Recently almost every evening/night I've been feeling inexplicably depressed for no particular reason. When I do focus on particular thoughts, it tends to revolve around being unhappy with my gender presentation. It is starting to negatively impact my studies, and I sometimes feel like my life is falling apart because of it. I desperately want to get help, but it feels so out of reach and come next morning I will end up feeling fine when I wake up so I have less drive to try to seek help. A couple of times when I've felt particularly hopeless I've even had mildly suicidal thoughts. It's not serious in the sense that I don't actually have any suicidal intentions, but the fact that I'm having these thoughts at all does tell me that something isn't right.
I tend to feel that some nights, making it more difficult to fall asleep. You try to wind down and quiet your brain, just for all the bad thoughts and dread to creep in. I found that if I take periodic baby steps to move forward with my problems it helps alleviate that dread while shifting the focus to the tiny victories. At least enough to fall asleep. I also imagine the dream I would like to have that night and laser focus on that so the intrusive thoughts don't come in. I'm sorry everything is overwhelming you at once. Acceptance is half the battle, so you're closer to the finish line than when you started. The trick is to slowly build momentum racing forward.
Not feeling any better this morning. I think it's about time to admit to myself that I need professional help. Maybe that will be my first step.
Femwired.....Finding the right therapist is really important. Check their CV or their website to see if they list working with the LGBTQ Community. I was fortunate in finding a really great therapist the first time I tried. He helped me so much! Sometimes you just need another person to talk to about the things that are bothering you...a professional is a really good choice! .....David
Without going into too much detail, after some consideration and looking around, I found a few decent options to confidentially talk to someone about my problems. Now I just need to convince myself that yes, it is worth it to get help, and then find the courage to actually reach out.
FemWired.....I am proud of you for taking this step! We don't hesitate to go see a doctor when we are ill, but it sure seems to take a lot to convince us to see a mental health professional for emotional problems that we can't handle by ourselves. I don't know if you are going to talk to a professional or just a good friend, but either way it's a step in the right direction! If you are considering a professional, be sure to check their CV or website to confirm that they work with the LGBTQ Community. There are some therapists who won't work with us or who actively discourage a LGBTQ individual person from exploring or accepting their sexuality...especially "Christian" therapists and I say this as a Christian myself. Talking to a therapist was one of the best decisions that I ever made. The combination of his help and guidance and the support I received from the wonderful people here on EC made a big difference for me. When I was in the early stages of coming out, accepting myself and learning to finally love myself after years of self-hate, shame and depression, my therapist really was the key. Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how this all works out...we want to keep supporting you in any way that we can! .....David
Thanks for the encouragement. I met with someone through a well-being service provided by my university today. It's not specifically for LGBTQ people, but I chose this option first because of the low barrier to entry. They admitted to not knowing much about transgender issues, but were supportive and tried their best to understand. I think it went decently well, I definitely don't regret going. I do feel somewhat better now. I'm not sure what I want to do from here yet. Now that I've overcome the barrier of telling someone about my experiences in-person, I think I could get more out of services specifically for trans people like a gender therapist or a trans support group. I don't have any immediate plans regarding that, but I suppose it is good to keep in mind.
I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. Please know that you are loved and supported here. Do you have any support options at University? Are there any groups or programs that help folks that are transitioning or thinking of transitioning? I know it is not always easy to gain this type of support and sometimes you need it when it is very inconvenient. Please take care and reach out to us.
I know there is an LGBTQ student group. Information on it is a bit scarce, but it doesn't appear to be geared towards support, or at least not directly so. I would love to be proven wrong about that. I'm only aware of one organizer of trans support groups that I could go to, and even then it's still a bit far away. They have remote meetings too, but those aren't an easy option either for a couple of reasons. I think I'm experiencing significant learned helplessness. I have found all these options but it feels impossible to utilize any of them, the problem being my family. I don't want to draw attention to myself or raise suspicion, but I can't effectively get help without doing that. It's such a suffocating feeling.
I wanted to say that try not to think over stuff during nighttime. Nighttime is usually when it's the worst time to try and find solutions. You're also tired. I have people I talk to past 3PM at night and it's not good. Sometimes they just keep spiraling. Sleep is more important. If you must then write them down into a diary before bed. It helps to empty your mind. The parents topic is sigh...I really do understand you there. I did everything in secret in the begginning. I even had secret therapy appointments. I sometimes used the times I was supposed to be in uni in their knowledge, so I couldn't come home, before classes end, otherwise they would have been suspicious. I felt like I was living a double/triple life and I still feel like this often. Oh and same issue as you with the support groups too. I haven't been to any so far and honestly now I feel uncomfortable going, because of certain crowd.
