Recently, I was present at a discussion regarding the way we as trans people regard cis bodies, specifically the way we compare ourselves to them. I suppose it struck a chord with me, while leaving me confused all the same. The gist was that we will never be regarded as "normal", will always be othered, will never be able to fit it the way we might want because as much as we are men and women, we are also trans, which will always be regarded as "wrong" by society. We will never be cis, and will never be fully be able to abide to the rigid rules imposed on us, unless we take a stand and break the system altogether, for both our benefit and for the cis folk who are also limited by these rules (meaning gender roles, heteronormativity, and all that is regarded as "normal", as normality doesn't really exist). Personally, I agree with this, as much as it generates a slight inner conflict. I've never been "normal", regardless of my transness. Always anxious, shy, not saying much - not the ideal stranger you might meet. There were always two sides inside of me, one that desperately wanted to fit in, and another that was fully aware I could never do it as well as others, so as a teen I accepted that second voice. Now though, after so many years of being othered for one reason or another, as much as I would like to wear my differences with pride, I feel like I can't. I'm not sure what's happened, but I now feel that desperation more than ever. And as much as I might agree with the abolition of so called normality, I still want a taste of it before attempting to tear it down, as impossible as it might feel. The conversation went on, and it touched on the subject of trans people often comparing themselves to cis bodies. That was the part that left me confused, as freeing as it might be for someone who managed to stop doing that. I don't feel like my body is right, and I don't think it's possible to ever stop comparing myself to a cis man when it comes to the anatomical parts that we should both possess. How do I stop comparing myself to a body when I know I should've had it too? When I know that (the majority of) men don't have to take artificial hormones? When I'm made to feel like inferior for having to go though puberty as an adult? When I feel so much frustration over the fact that I didn't get to have a childhood when I could feel like myself? How do I let go of the weight that I'll never be enough of a man? If this makes little sense, forgive me.
Well, I'm all for that. Sign me up right here! Bear in mind that just 30 years ago our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters weren't regarded as 'normal', and were regularly othered in the same way we are now. Whilst there is still some way to go in terms of true equality, in most Western societies what sexuality you are and who you choose to share your bed with is becoming less and less of an issue. Compulsory heterosexuality, if not completely banished, is, at least, on the run. So it will be with us, in time. Once we have got the other side of the horrendous backlash we currently have to deal with. I hear you and I know how you feel. In my experience being around people who do accept you really helps, especially is they're cis. Do you have any cis male friends you can hang out with, who would be able to accept you as one of the guys? Oh and just to underline: you are a man and soon - if testosterone works its magic - you'll begin to see and feel those changes you desire. Hugs, Beth x
I don't compare myself. I've had enough of insecurity next to women, when I still preceived myself as one too and always compared to others, so now I'm trying to find my own individuality, rather than trying to be someone I'm not. I'm aiming to be closest to how I would feel comfortable and happy. It's not easy, but it's doable.
You're right, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is difficult to see that most of the time, since there is so much hate geared towards us. It's like there isn't even one moment to breathe. I just hope things will develop in the right direction for us sooner than later. I have some mates who are guys, but I wouldn't necessarily call them my friends. I have a relative whom I'm somewhat close to, but even with him I don't feel fully seen (not maliciously, but we've known each other from the womb and he's still adjusting to my transition). I don't usually become close friends with guys, I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I've always found it difficult to interact with them. I find it difficult to interact with everyone, but girls are usually more patient and persistent with me so they're the ones I hang out with the most. I crave friendships with guys, though, and I feel more confident to pursue that now that I'm on T, but it still happens that I self sabotage because of self perceived differences between us. And thank you, it truly means a lot. I am already seeing some significant changes, but puberty takes time and it'll be a while until I'll be able to look and feel my age. At least to stranger I've turned from 'that girl with short hair and glasses' into 'that boy with glasses', so it's definitely an improvement How did you reach that point? I find it difficult because being comfortable and happy, for me, would mean getting as close to a cis body as possible. I know there are limitations, I'm not trying to be unrealistic, but some things are definitely attainable. And as I move forward in my transition and in life, I realize that there are aspects of masculinity that I wholeheartedly relate to. I'm not trying to be something I'm not, but I'm discovering that I am what I can't ever fully reach. There are times when I feel I'm just cosplaying as a man, and that there is something that I'll never ever understand about manhood because I wasn't born male. And I suppose I won't, and that's fine I guess, but it still causes grief within me. Individuality is something I struggle with. There are aspects in my life where I don't want to be seen, where I would much rather fade in the crowd and lose all sense of individuality, but I can't; others, where as much as I try I can't seem to separate myself from the masses.
Just tons of hard work on myself. I was struggling. It's not like I don't have any envy anymore. I do. But I have goals and I know now exactly how I want to look like and express myself. I may not become perfect. There have been times I thought I won't be complete withouth surgeries. I aim much higher than me being envious of others. I want others to become envious of me. This is something that thrives me to become the best possible version of myself. I want to look even better than my dad ever hoped to be. In my mind I'm already a man. I think and act like a man. Sometimes I suprise myself that this is something men do, but I am a man, so it's natural and I even forget that I'm not in the right body, but that don't matter. I am who I am, even if not in the correct body. It all causes grief to me too. The fact that I wasn't socialiced with boys when young and not being able to live that gay lifestyle and it makes me very envious. There are things that can't be helped, but we can't let this stop us from finding happiness.
