My full story

I thought I'd share my story, since there is so many new people here who don't know about me and I remembered some things from my childhood too. It's really been a journey, when I look back. It's a long text. I'm happy to answer any questions. I've known 25 years and the same amount of years I was closeted. I was closeted even to myself, but it was a way to protect myself as I live in conservative country.

When I was younger I never knew how to act like a girl. Some would say I was a tomboy. I remember even trying to learn how my female friends walked feminine way and they had to teach me. I tried to learn how to be graceful like a lady. I tried balancing books on top of my head and everything. I wanted to fit in, but it was futile. I was never intrested in things like make up or playing with dolls. I sometimes played with them, but the doll had to catch my intrest. If it was a boring doll or I was by myself I never really played too much with them. I have always been more comfortable around men, but I was never socialiced with boys. Only girls, so I had to act like girls act.
I started to feel that something was very off when I was 5 years old. I went to play and saw that there were two groups of kids. One group was boys and other were girls. I stopped, because I was going to go to the girls group to play, but I saw the boys group and felt a pull towards them, but it was strange, because the boys group seemed closed off to me. Girls group seemed open, but it didn't felt like it was for me. After that everything went all foggy, so I don't remember much of my childhood, only the traumatic parts.

When I got into the 28+ there were times I felt off. I went to this museum with classmates near Russian border. We got to wear the Victorian dresses. I haven yet realized who I was, but I was given beautiful Victorian puffy dress to wear and my teacher woman got the male attire, because it was the only one left and I'd had a bad day, but felt incredibly jealous. I didn't understand where this jealousy came from.

Forwarding it I remember being out and about and seeing my reflection on the store window and thinking why do I look so sad.

It was also the time, where my dad thought, whether I'm a lesbian or not and it made me feel offended and question, whether I am one. This thought gave me pure dread.

In my 30th birthday I was reading boys love manga as usual and thought to myself how it would be like to be in a man's body. I didn't think much about why. It was another random thought. I tend to daydream. This thought just somehow got replaced with how it would feel like if I was in a mans body and then I fantazised a lot. Being a man and in a gay relationship and so on, but something clicked and this something made me ask myself what if I am a man? My first thought after that was, what a riddiculous though this is. How can I be a man? Nonsense.

I started googling can I be a man, because I had no idea about transgender people. I just knew there were people who change their gender for some odd reason.

Then I found EC. I made a thread and everything. I wasn't a forum person at all. It was all new for me. I was incredibly shy and anxious.

At first I didn't get a clear understanding.

But more as time went forward I tried to imagine myself as a man and it caused me most amazing euphoria. The kind where it felt like cloud shifted and world was filled with color. Then I felt terror and anxiety, because it wasn't something accepted in the society I was in and started trembling and crying and when going out of my room to get a drink, then I passed the mirror and when I saw myself it terrified me. It was like my eyes and my body belonged to different people. My eyes looked saddened, but my body felt like a monster and I saw myself smirking back at me, like it was something evil. After being on EC a while I started tracing my experiences back to my younger days and it felt like puzzle pieces shifted into place and all the fog lifting. There was some clarity. I wasn't dissassociating/depersonalising anymore.

Later on I started chasing euphoria I felt, when I imagined myself as a guy, but I try not to anymore, because just chasing euphoric feelings isn't good either.

Then game the doubts around my sexuality. I constantly switched around labels.

During this all I was suicidal, which is why I went to search for psychiatric help. I was in bad shape. Psychiatric help is free here and I was able to make an appointment online.

There were also intrusive thoughts, what were awful, but I don't get them anymore thanks to going to psychiatrist and psychologist and taking medication.

Psychiatrist sent me to the psychologist, because I needed a psychiatric diagnosis of transsexualism, if I wanted to get to see a committee and get on hormones. My first committee time is on the 12th of april, so it's soon. The waiting times right now are up to 2026. So total I have already waited 3 years and later I have to wait for a while problably also another 2 years to be able to change my name and sex and go on surgeries. Surgeries aren't covered, so it might ve out of reach right now.

I had to educate my psychiatrist what it all means, but right now he's very supportive and did his research.

Rather than transgender I think I'm more closer to what transsexual is, even though it is an outdated term and not inclusive term like transgender is, but I don't like to use either terms. I'm a man and gay (I like men too much to be bi). I've made pretty much peace with that. I do have some internalized transphobia left, but it's pretty much all gone, because I learn and I address it and work on myself.

So this is pretty much it. Thank you for reading.

 

You're welcome. I am always really negative, but there are good things too. I complain a lot. But it really was like seeing colors for the very first time. I felt like I've never known how happiness feels like.

Hugs. Never too many of them.