lesbian confusion in long-term relationship

Hello, I am new here. I need advice from the queers but I no longer have any queer friends and I no longer have time for therapy.

Some background info: My partner and I got together when we were juniors in high school. We’ve been together ever since. I moved out of my home and moved into her mother’s home. Then, we graduated and dormed together in college. We transferred to a different school because we couldn’t afford the one we were attending. We got an apartment with our best friend from her high school. We understood that we got together very young and decided to try and open up the relationship. Of course that got very messy and very complicated and caused many arguments and fights. We decided to close the relationship and get back to how things were. This was very hard for me because of everything that happened. Things were said and there were times she was emotionally manipulating me and it’s hard for me to get past that. I made some regrettable drunken mistakes that involved emotional cheating. I couldn’t tell her how I felt because I was scared of how she’d react. I was terrified to lose her but I ended up asking for a break from the relationship. This did not work. My mother had to come over and mediate the conversation because neither of us felt safe to talk to each other at that point. At that point we couldn’t communicate without reacting emotionally and most times it ended in at least tears if not full on panic attacks. There multiple times I felt so confused and overwhelmed and powerless that I wanted to die. My mother being there helped, but not enough. Our “break” ended up being me traveling out of state to see family and her calling multiple times everyday. Then coming home to sleep in a different bed until she felt comfortable sleeping with me again. Even though we talked about our problems being caused by both of us, it ended up being me waiting for her to not be mad at me and taking whatever negative emotions she needed to let out. She had said before when I asked for the break that we can’t breakup because our lives were so tangled together. We had pets together at that point, shared money and expenses, etc. I felt stuck but was able to stifle that feeling to the point of enjoying each other again. We were able to talk and hang out like normal.

Now, one of the major causes of our arguments was our sex life. When she suggested opening up the relationship, that was after years of us barely having sex. This was and still is entirely on me. I have no idea why but having sex with her just doesn’t feel right anymore. I am trying to get back to it but it’s been so long and so many things have happened. I tell her that I have a low sex drive which isn’t true. I tell her that it has nothing to do with my attraction to her because she is absolutely beautiful, which is true. I tell her that I have a hard time with sex for different reasons, which is also true. The problem is, I find myself thinking about having sex with other people. Just random people that I like and lately… this is hard to even type but lately the other people have been boys??? I am just so confused and I haven’t had anyone besides her that I am close enough with to tell all this to. And even if I did she would not like for me to do that at all.

I know this is already a lot but it gets to be more here. Present day, we are engaged and have 2 foster kids and multiple pets.

I am losing the plot here guys please help if you can. And whoever takes the time to read this and respond I cannot thank you enough. I am desperate here.

 

Thank you for reading and replying!

We are 23 and 24.

I definitely don’t want to split up with her. I have thought about it during those moments where we are disconnected. Imagining being single and how it would be for me. I enjoy thinking about that sometimes. But ultimately, she needs me and there’s no one I can be myself around besides her so I need her too. I’m not sure if this is relevant, but I was recently diagnosed with autism and it’s made me realize I’ve been masking my whole life except when I’m alone with her, so yes I need her too.

Our lives are very entangled and that is part of the reason she and I are still together. There are many other reasons but I will say that is a big one because that’s the reason our “break” didn’t work out.

We are still affectionate with each other. Hugs kisses and cuddles everyday. We say nice things to each other. I rarely initiate and it’s always been that way. When she initiates I either go with it or I tell her I’m just not in the mood. But when I say that she instantly thinks I don’t find her attractive. So I guess there’s some pressure there. Maybe if I could say no without it hurting her feelings it would be easier to say yes more often. When we first got together we were just kids so it was hot and heavy of course. Then life kept happening and we had our share of over dramatic fights and whatnot. I’m not sure if the fighting is the reason I’m not feeling it or what. I’m usually the kind of person who’s very good at just getting over shit but maybe that’s what’s holding me back. Or maybe I’m just miserable and can’t be happy with what I have lol.

Thank you again for your advice, it’s very helpful to hear someone else’s perspective.

I think I also sometimes wonder if she’d be happier with someone else because I constantly feel like I fall short and disappoint her.
And another thing is I’m not sure if I’m still that masc lesbian I was when she fell in love with me. Which is yet another disappointment on my end. I just want to be who she wants me to be.