Maybe it's time to begin again... and do it now in a proper way

Well... I think that it's time for me for living a "gay life". I've been hiding it for a long time, but now I really feel it's time.

Where should I start? Well... In another thread I've talked about my best friend. I was deeply in love with him. He knew that, but it didn't change our relationship. However, last year I "broke up" with him due to some circumstances, and now we are trying to rebuild our relationship. A few weeks ago he confessed me that he made out with a guy for the first time, just to experience how did it feel. And now... I feel "free". And for the first time in years, I think I'm ready to meet someone and have a relationship. Maybe I need to share myself, my love, with someone who is not only my friend, even my best friend.

But... where should I start? It's the same topic that I wrote here a few years ago, when I discovered this forum. Now I'm on my thirties, and have no experience with gay men. My first and only relationship was when I was 17. Now I live far away from home, I have a stable work, at last I have the opportunity to live my own life. But I don't know how to do it...

I've tried dating apps. It didn't work, mostly because I have no self confidence. For years, I was the "man on the house" for my family, since I was a child. I took care of everything, as if I was the father of my family. I always did what I had too, not what I wanted too. So my sexuality was just a "condition", not a lifestyle. My family supports me, but not everyone understands it, so it really hurted me, and it still hurts. I couldn't "be gay", just "be good". But I'm tired of that situation. Now I know that I have to live my own life. I need to. I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety and depression last year because I realized that my rhythm of life, my moral support, my beliefs, couldn't fit what I want to become. My sexuality is only a piece of this puzzle, yes, but I have to make it fit in the life that I want to build for myself.

The problem is... that I don't know what I want, who I want, what I need, who I need. It's a fresh start, not only for relationships, but for life itself. That's why I'm writing this in this forum.

I'm not looking for definitive answers: I'm aware it's really complicated and it tooks a lot of time. But if anybody has experienced something similar, I would love to know it, and share experiences!

 

Yes, that's it... It takes time. It's overwhelming to me, as my sexuality is just one of the edges of the "prism" of my life project, that I begin now... but I have and need to face this. It's good to know that we are not alone in this path, though.

 

Yeah, I agree with you... I think that's not the way I should take (I'm not judging, it's just I prefer other options!), but if I want to begin a new life, I need to meet someone, and the only way to do that is to go out from my comfort zone. I came out when I was a teenager but now, as an adult, it's the first time I'm really considering to have a "gay life". And I have to be ready to fail, but also to success, and, overall, to enjoy the experience of trying and discovering myself. Although I don't know how, and I'm looking forward the first step...

 

I've been thinking on going to LGBTI associations and events... I've never tried it, but I'm determined to "embrace" a "gay lifestyle" for once in my life. I tried in the past using dating apps and that stuff, but it didn't work. But now I know I'm ready to meet someone, open myself to new experiences, and, since the beginning, living according to who I am, and not only as a "circumstance" that I talk about. My sexuality is not an anecdote. And first I have to gain self confidence. It scares me: I'm 31, and I've never tried to meet gay people, nor even daring to begin a relationship, even if I feel into it. But it's time to do it. Now I have a stable job, I live in a city where I can be myself. All the signs are there: it's time.

So, my question is... what's your experience with LGBTI associations? I feel curious, but also anxious. It's a big step for me. Just like when I log in this forum and other gay forums, or began using dating apps. What a pity that steps that are meant to be normal in every personal development are instead big deals for us...

 

Thank you, quebec! Yes, I'll try that. I don't feel like going to dates by app. I'd prefer now a more "relaxing" approach. I'm interested on knowing the gay cultural activities at my town, meeting people, going out and, whatever it comes, be welcome!

 

I have just written an email to the LGBTI association of my town. I come back there tomorrow, and I can't wait to meet them... Yes, I feel very excited about that. It may work, it may not, but at least I'll try because I deserve to take a chance on me.

My therapist told me something that has impacted me a lot: "You've been paying an eternal debt for a long time: a debt of tasks and duties that you thought you had to do, but it was not what you wanted to. And it's understable that now you are afraid. Your beliefs are not enough to endure the life that you need to build right now".

The image of an eternal debt... yes, it fits with what I feel. I'm tired of paying a debt that it's been only in my mind, or in anyone else's expectations. I want to live my life, that's all.

 

It's powerful, it's so powerful... it gives sense to something that I've noticed that's been there for a long time. Today I've been reading my old diaries. All those fears that exploded last year were there, slowly growing, since 2017. And time went away, and I didn't notice I was paralyzed, unable to find a solution, unable to reach for love and accept the love from my family and friends...

Finally I've reached a point of no return. I will not forgive myself if I don't try to take control of my life right now: the opportunity is finally there and I'm just unable to give up, as I've been doing untill now.

 

Well... Yesterday I had an "appointment" with the local LGBTI association. It was a public meeting to organize next Pride Festival and, as I asked them for information about their activities, they invited me to go.

So I went there, walking... and I couldn't do it.

As I was arriving to the association headquarters, I began to experience an anxiety crisist. I began venting, I felt scary, even shameful. I tried to overpass it and "break" my fear, but I couldn't. So I turned back and went to a bookshop instead. But heavy breathing took at least 30 minutes to calm down.

I felt... something similar to shame. If I had been there, in that meeting, it would have been the first time when my sexuality would be public, outside my comfort zone, outside my friends, outside internet. I'm out for all my friends and colleagues here at work, and since I moved out from home to a new town I haven't felt the pressure of hiding. But yesterday I couldn't do it, take that step. I couldn't present myself as gay in a LGBTI association: a safe environment paralyzed me.

I suppose it's normal: I carry so much guilt, shame and fear that continuously order me to turn back to a "safe place" where I hide. I suppose I need more time and therapy to overcome that.

 

It's been almost a month. Since then, I haven't tried again to go to that association. I know I need it, I know it could bring me happiness, I know it would help me to free my true self... but I can't do it now. I feel like I tried to run when I didn't even know how to walk. I felt fear of being there, talking about what I've always feared to talk: my sexuality. To show myself in public as gay is frightening... even if it's in a safe and friendly zone as a LGBTI association. It means to break one of my biggest taboos, the strongest wall. My "gay world" is small: I'm out for everyone... but as long as I put them inside my safe individual space. The outside world is unknown.

I feel like I've failed to myself because I couldn't cross that door. But I also know that I need to do it when I know I'm ready. Step by step. And now I need to focus in myself, but in other aspects of my life that were also disregarded. Although I can't be confortable in that point of "the turn of my sexuality will come in my to-do-list". There is no choice. I deserve it. I deserve to be fully happy with myself.

 

Thank you, BlueLion... Yes, now I know I'm not ready. It means to me to finally expose myself. Even if it's in a friendly and safe place, and it would be nice, good and necessary for me... it would be telling others who I really am, things that are so personal and intimate to me, and al last being out. No turning back.

It's a big step. I need to be more focused, more determined, to take that step. But I will do it, eventually: I need it.

 

How did I get here? After years against dating apps and a few bad experiences... suddenly, in less than a week, I've installed one app, and dared to answer to "what's up" messages... and here I am, after two dates.

And I feel... happy. Oh, man, so happy!

Not because of the result of those dates, but because I did it. I tried. I made it. One guy is older than me and I perceive that has a life path traced, and maybe he wants to know if I fit in it. The other guy is younger, so our chat is funnier. We've spent three hours today just talking about freaky stuff. And I enjoyed it.

Two different situations... and I've let them flow. As if i was sure about what to do everytime... even if this is a whole new world for me. It's been years since my last date, my last sexual intercourse, my last romantic relationship. I don't even know if I'm ready for a romantic relationship, but the only way to figure it out is trying to go out and meet people. It's not being selfish, right? As long as I'm open to those who meet me and sincere about where I am in this process, it's right. I don't want at all to take advantage of anyone. I need to try, and then discover who I am and what I want.

And it feels so good...

I think I'm finally ready to go to that association. Everything is going so fast, but I'm not afraid. At last, I'm not afraid!!