I need insights on my first wlw breakup

Hello everyone,

I (F, 19) was in a relationship for 9 months with my bestfriend (F, 19), it was both our first relationship and we'd been friends for a quite long time. It's been 3 months, and I can't seem to accept the reasons why it ended, I'm hopelessly believing it's not that simple. I'm dying for some honest insight on what to think.

So, for starters, her parents are homophobic, for them, same sex love doesn't exist, her dad literally ignores her since she came out to them, and her mother's not that much better, the kind that makes subtle reflections to show that it's not normal to be like that. Plus, they're not the affectionate type either, not the loving parents you would hope for. My ex herself had a hard time processing liking someone, plus this someone being me, a woman. Throughout our relation she expressed it a few times, since you know I personally have known for long my life would be with a girl, it was very new to her, thus much more complicated to balance.

Anyway, she had been having a crush on me for a quite long period of time, I developped one on my own later on, and well, she wanted to try, I wanted to try, so we did.

For the first 6 and half months I'd say, everything was going super well. I guess that's what we can call the honeymoon stage, everything is so intense, you want to see each other all the time, the intimicay is growing fast, emotionally and physically, reality has yet to strike. Of course there were some easily solvable issues here and there, but either way, everything was perfect.

We went on holidays together, at the end of August, it was super cool. Then, at the beginning of september, she went on a trip with her parents for 2 weeks. During this trip, I didn't notice it until well after the breakup, but she started to change, though it was very subtle. It's like she was slightly distant, a little bit less affectionate, her messages were a little bit shorter, maybe more dry. But it was so subtle I hadn't noticed it at the time. She told me during the trip, that being with her parents triggered her internalized homophobia, you know, they would say well if you have doubts that's because you know it doesn't really exist and you surround yourself with people with your point of view to "reassure" yourself. I don't know what happened in her head during that trip, maybe it's not related to her parents, maybe it's just hazard, but yeah, it was kind of a turning point, that would only get worse from here.

She came back, and the energy wasn't the same. I was excited for her to return, we had planned to see each other before uni would start, but even then I sensed a bit less of enthusiasm. I would be like "ohh what do you want to do", and she would be more like "aah I don't know we'll see, let me arrive, plus I'll surely be lazy to go out." I didn't think much of it, we saw each other, and it was like there was a small distance between us, like we needed a warmup to connect, I don' know how to explain. But we ended up breaking it, and having a really great afternoon, like nothing had changed.

I really can't explain it, it was as if she was hot then cold, for example, towards the end of september, there was an event where I wasn't sure to go, I changed my mind because well why not, plus I would be able to sleep next to my girlfriend, but when I told her I changed my mind she was like "ah what you're coming ? I thought you weren't", I mean, she didn't seem happy I'd come. But again, we ended up having a great time, she was affectionate, we slept along each other and the next morning, similarly nothing to deplore. She would still be flirty, but yeah idk, different.

Since her trip with her parents, and during the whole month of September, it's like she became cold and colder, the more the days passed, but also the more jealous she would be. The jealousy comes from a long story, she thought a girl was crushing on me and thus she would be kind of "monitoring" my interactions with this girl (I told her multiple times I was interested in her only, that even if x girl was crushing on me I didn't care, and I was not having any suspicial behaviour towards that girl, yes I would sometimes see her since we're in the same studies, but really nothing, I would never engage with her). At one point, she reached a peak, she was super cold, distant, hardly messaging me, only to make jokes about "all the girls who want me", saying it was for fun, when clearly it appeared to me it wasn't.

One day, she learned the girl who she thought had a crush on me had be sat next to me in class and I didn't tell her, since for me, she was just like any other person. But god, I should have told her.

She goes on to say that she wants to break up, that it's not working out between us, that being in a couple stresses her out over time, that she can't see herself in the future and that it's unfair to me, who has a more involved and different vision. That her mental state is not right and that the relationship is calling into question her self-confidence when it should be having the opposite effect. That if she wasn't in the relationship, she shoudn't have to compare herself to "all the girls who want me". That a relationship should make you evolve, but she didn't feel she'd evolved in 7 months, that it affected her badly mentally, when again, it should have a positive effect on your mental. And that I deserved better too, blah, blah, blah that I had lots of possibilities and also that she wanted to send me messages all the time but like she had a blockage, she felt obliged to answer because of the couple status or something like that. I feel it was all really emotional driven, like she wanted to escape this spiral of negative emotions that had been building. I kinda thought I was seeing "avoidancy" patterns and reasons driven by low self esteem, but at the end of the day I can't be sure.

Well, at the time, I was in deep, I didn't have enough perspective, I kind of did and said everything I could to change her mind, I realise now I clearly shoudn't have done that, but well, I didn't want us to be over. I had been right to think her jealousy jokes were serious, I made tons of love declarations, but she was stuck on this "I'm the problem not you, I'm the problem so it can't be solved". Well, I believe the opposite, it's like she thought an individual couldn't change, when being in a relationship shows you your fears, insecurities, so that you can work on it you know. It was like, "nah I'm like this, I can't change, take it or leave it", which I think is not a good way of thinking. I was the one convincing her she was good enough. I can realise now she had such high expectations of what a relationship should bring you, it should restore your self confidence, affect you good mentally, it should be kind of easy not need too many efforts, it should make you grow (of course it can, only if YOU are willing to and are open to it), almost as it should solve all your problems and make everything in your life better. I mean, it surely can, but it's not the main point of it.

Anyway, the following day she had kind of changed her mind, said but no yeah of course we have to try and solve the issues, I'm not saying I want to break up or that I want to do it now. Well, I think she really contradicted herself, I mean what she cited were clearly reasons to break up, but okay. We saw each other irl, she was, apathetic, only reconnected when she realised she would have me out of her life if we broke up (bc I personally prefer not to stay friends, for my own sanity). She recognized the jealousy was internal of her, but I don't think she understood the concept of a healthy relationship making you face your own trauma, because she still, to this day, blames the relation for encroaching on who she was, when in reality, with or without the relation, the problem is still there, but it's maybe a less more triggered. Anyway, she said she'd make an effort, because to be honest the jokes were even becoming hurtful, I felt like she didn't trust me, accused me of several things, when I had always been constant. Spoiler: the jokes continued lol, I even began to believe I was the problem, I would recount all my interactions with anyone so that she wouldn't worry. She even said "don't you think your life would be cooler if we broke up, you could have all the attention of others, and one less mental burden" plus "we already talked so much as mates, it wouldn't change a lot to become friends again" I of course disagreed, but should have worried about the ease with which she could switch to being friends, just like that. But we decided to stay together, well she suggested we try a month and see.

After this, we'd try to explain all that deconnection phase, why she would be so distant and feel kind of pressured to answer my texts. She suggested stress, school, internalized homophobia, a combination of factors surely. We also discussed the fact that we didn't have the same background, I'm lucky to have very supportive and loving parents, where she doesn't. As for them, homosexuality doesn't exist, she kinda feels that way too and it makes her question everything, all the time. Plus she mentionned, since not that much had changed between us, between friends and lovers (I mean yeah there's a physical domain of course, but we were still talking everyday, seeing each other very often), that it reinforced the belief that it wasn't real. She said she didn't doubt me as a person, but rather the circumstances. She's already an anxious person who questions everything a lot, looking for rational reasons to like someone, and even looking for reasons to end it sometimes. But despite all that, I figured she loved me and cared for me, since she had made the decision to stay.

However, after this almost break-up, things were maybe slightly better than they were where she was totally disconnected, but they just weren't the same as before all this. I felt a significant drop in enthousiasm. She never said I love you to me again, minus a few exceptions, but I always felt like it was forced. She was less affectionate, would reject all my love, would react diffenretly to things, it would even make her uncomfortable at times, but paradoxically she would ask me to do more. Like planning more hangouts, have more physical attentions. I didn't know what to do, when I would ask her to hangout she always had an excuse, how am I supposed to be physical if I can't see her ? I bought her some gifts one day, just because, things she would love, but she rejected it, I tried to understand her reasons, but could only deplore she would love my gifts at the beginning of the relation. I was constantly wondering if she loved me, some things would make me believe that yes, but a lot would make me believe no. Sometimes things were like almost like before, she would suggest hanging out, flirt a bit or say something cute, but I knew in my gut something was not right. Unfortunately, I have struggles expressing myself and putting boundaries, and that's on me, I should have said something, but I let her be, me giving and loving like I had always been.

It was tiring, to constantly wonder if she loved me. She was still jealous, a proof of love for her, even if we know it isn't, but we'll believe it just this time. She insisted, at the end of october, that I go on our ski trip next year, stating "it would be like living together", how could I resist ? When we would go to parties, it was really strange, during the all thing it's like I was bothering her, but the minute we were alone she was affectionate, loving, like everything was fine, I could feel it, the love, I know it was still there somewhere, or I want to believe it.

I asked, one month after the almost breakup, if we could maybe talk, to see where she was at, since the month was now expired, I wanted to know how she felt. She answered something along the lines of "that's cringe", and I felt so dumb for even asking that I let it go. I asked her again, 1 week into November, she said she didn't know, that she had to think about it before answering.

7 November, we celebrate my birthday, she comes to my house, it had been such a long time since she'd came over. It was as if nothing had changed, our complicity was still there, we laughed so much, watched a show together, with her head laying on my chest. We did each other back massages, and spent a great night. The next morning, she held my hand delicately, and kissed me at least 5 times before leaving.

15 November, we studied together at the library, spent an hour laughing while playing a dumb game on my phone. She then suggested to go eat, even if she had to eat tacos after at some friends house. She took my hand on the road, while saying "hey we have to celebrate our nine months". We had a great time, ended it by an embrace and a frivolous kiss. I had hope things would be alright. Little did I know.

10 days later, she becomes cold and distant again. I ask her what's wrong, she says nothing. I knew better, the 30th she broke up with me. She felt the same as before, not evolved, stressed about the status, that it didn't suit her, that we weren't a good match, that we made efforts and tried but that there shouldn't be so much to do. I said that in itself it was logical for her to feel like she did 2 months before, since nothing had really been done to improve things, and she replied that it was "proof".

She didn't see a future with me, that our friendship was stronger than our romantic period. I thought the reasons were a bit vague, or I didn't understand them correctly. She absolutely wanted to stay friends, said I was her favorite person, that she loved me very much, I said it would take time for my feelings to leave, she said hers would too.

Then a week later, I asked more questions about the breakup, and she told me that her feelings had changed, that she was attached to me but wasn't sure if it was 100% romantic, that she loved me but not in that way, well she doesn't know, that if she had doubts then she wasn't in love. In short, that she had loved me but not anymore. She felt guilty for not feeling the same things, she wasn't forcing herself into the relationship but she felt bad for not being the way she should be. Why had she told me that her feelings would take time to leave, if they were already gone? Pity maybe

To resume, she had a crush on me for so long, fell in love with me earlier than me surely, I fell harder, developped deep feelings, while hers stayed on the superficial level, that's what I understand. But you know, I'm not satisfied with this explanation, my brain is trying to fill the blanks with everything it can. If her feelings began to change early september, why does it paralell with the jealousy rising, that proves feelings were still there. I'm just wondering, for how long did I live a lie ? She never really loved me then ? I mean true love, the one you choose.

I know in the end nothing really matters, what's done is done, I should just take away what I can to learn, and I'm doing it. But I can't help but think it can’t be summed up at just, well, I was in love, then I wasn't, I can't control my feelings. I want to believe there's more to it, given the complexity of our relation, given her complexity. I searched through everything, avoidant attachment (which I'm pretty sure she has), internalized homophobia, low self esteem, rocd, doubts, anxiety, everything that could explain the outcome, differently than "I just lost feelings".

What do you think, am I crazy to believe it's much more complex than this, I know I'm delusional, but am I that bad ?
Thank you so much in advance.

 

Hey, thanks a lot for reading all my speech firstly. I agree a lot with what you said, and some things you mentioned also made me see a new perspective. It’s been 3 months, she’s totally moved on now, I think it took her less than 2 weeks to be honest, since she had no feelings left, has a new crush and all, but I’m worried, because she embraced so hard the speech that I’m just not the one for her, that I’m 100% certain she almost hasn’t reflected on how she behaved during the relationship. She’s buried so deep in the mindset « the relation happened, it wasn’t perfect, we had good moments, but it just didn’t work out like it should have and that’s it it’s just the wrong person ». She doesn’t want to think about it, talk about it, reflect on it AT ALL, it’d causes her more bad than good to do so, because she knows she behaved wrongly at times ? And while it’s maybe true, that I’m not the person for her, I also think she gave up quickly, it was so easy for her to throw it all away like it was nothing. Like she said, our love was superficial, well hers was. Relationships take work, time, patience, commitment, she maybe wasn’t ready for this either. I guess she thinks feelings should never fade if it’s the One ? Maybe she’s right, but I don’t know. Either way, I’m doubting her conception of what love should be, I know I have a different one. I’m thinking now that all the jealousy arc was some unconscious way to sabotage, to lead it to an end maybe, even if her feelings were real. I don’t think she realises the patterns she has, she told me « I’ll work on myself for non-romantic /romantic relations » but I’m quite sure she won’t act on it. She believes all was due to me, to the relationship, even now, she finds a way to turn everything on me, well I know I should have called her out, but that didn’t get her the right to be not so kind. We are on non speaking terms now, which she never fails to make me feel guilty for. I’m just beginning to put her down the pedestal, starting to realise that things she did were not okay, but there’s always this little voice in the back of my head, telling me I was the problem, that I didn’t do enough, I made her unhappy, I made her doubt her confidence, I caused her to have all those negative emotions, with someone else there will be no such problems, I imagined everything, she’s not insecure, she doesn’t have any trouble accepting her sexuality (she told me that actually 1 week ago), her relation with her parents is good, I’m just not the one and with another person she’ll face none of that. Well, with a guy she’ll not have half of the problems we faced at least, she said for a relationship to work the partner must have a good relation with the other partner’s parents (which I personally think is a good thing but not a must?) in our case it was clearly impossible, but she still blames me for not trying to see the good in her folks (I mean, it’s maybe the fact they don’t accept what we are). I know we’re still young, everyone reminds me of this, that doesn’t mean I don’t take things seriously, even if the relation was short-lived, I had imagined it keeping going much longer, I was ready for it all, it seems silly now. She could have used my love to make her journey with self-love a little less scary, but she didn’t, I believe someone else would have walked out way before I even began to think I deserved a little more efforts from her, but love blinded me, I still have work to do on my own clearly. Thanks again stranger, your answer really helped me, I wish you a great day !

 

I mean they are surely right in some way, but I’m still so deep in it that I don’t have it in me to rationalize and dedramatize the whole thing. Yeah, I can objectively see I’ll find love again someday, but right now my heart is still tied to her, I can’t help it. It gets better everyday, but a part of me still hasn’t let go of the hope of her suddenly regretting everything and coming back, I shouldn’t even entertain the possibility of accepting, but still. It sucks knowing I still have so much love for her, when she doesn’t for me, or in a platonic way I believe. But in the end, that love is also mine.

I mean yeah, her views on what love should be seem a little bit unrealistic, and paradoxical, because she doesn’t really believe in love, she told me a few times. How can she expect so much from the One, but at the same time not believing true love exists ? Or maybe she means that she can’t believe someone would love her ? Even now, she describes our love as superficial, I felt offended, because mine was far from it and it’s unfair of her to put it in the same basket as hers. It’s like she’s never believed I loved her for real.
I can see she kind of counted on the relation and on me to provide her solutions to problems she had, I don’t think that’s what a relationship is for. You don’t get with someone to rebuild yourself, but you can to a certain extent, do it while being with someone, if only she believed that was even possible.

Yeah, taking accountability doesn’t seem to be her forte, while I’m too good at it, and tend to apologise too much. She said that she couldn’t stand me apologising so much every time I felt I had hurt her, that if she was unkind and a bad person during some time it was because I didn’t call her out (we know that’s true, but she also plays a part) and that she couldn’t be honest with me about her lost feelings because I was too sensitive and tend to tear out when talking about smth serious (well I may be, but I can hold a conversation ffs, I still survived an almost-breakup conversation). That makes it more difficult to not blame myself for just being me haha, maybe I’m too much of this, not enough of that, but she’ll learn that everyone has flaws I guess, different ones but still.

I know I did my best ultimately, even if I could have been better in some aspects, it’s always the case, but I doubt it would have made any difference. Having my heart broken will not change my kindness and patience, but I surely need to assert myself more and make boundaries.
Thank you for your kind words, I try to reason maturely, but I of course still have so much more to learn. Even if it caused me to be fooled, I’m proud of myself for being understanding and supportive. I’ll still defend her because I love her, but yeah, maybe I deserved a bit better.

 

Hey

Hey, thank you for your comment ! I agree with you, I just wish we could have got past the honeymoon phase, I think it’s even more beautiful after this part’s kinda vanishing. I guess I’m slowly leaving the « self blame period », I had my share of mistakes surely, but I can’t do really much about it now, just trying not to do them later on haha.
Yeah, she unfortunately hasn’t had it easy, for reasons completely external to her, that’s what is the most sad about it. But of course, it’s our responsability to act on not letting those bad events interfere in our life too much. I hope she’ll think about talking to someone eventually, I think she’s aware of certain things she needs to work on, but she may not be seeing it for other ones.

Yeah that’s absolutely true, we are the one responsible for fixing ourselves. I guess I dug my own grave, I knew that she had a kind of troubled life, when thinking about starting a relationship with her, I had this mindset, you know, I’ll love her so hard and so right, show her all the good things she deserve, that she herself doesn’t think she deserves I think. I just wanted to make her see, how easy it is to love her, how incredible she is. I can see how naive, wrong and kinda presomptuous it is to think like this now, I thought love could be more powerful than anything else, you know. But yeah, it’s not my place to do that, and it’s kinda hard to love someone, who doesn’t even really believe in the fact that you love them, that they’re lovable. Like telling her she was beautiful, and her claiming back that it’s the greatest lie she’s ever heard.

I’ve honestly been considering going to counseling, I’m really struggling and could benefit from some clear guidance and feedback.

Yeah it can be difficult to be with someone having trouble accepting herself, well she said she doesn’t have any trouble accepting it, but I guess she’s far from being « proud » and « 100% assuming » that part of herself. I wish her to reach that point though, it’s really great.
I’ll certainly be more careful now, thanks !

 

Just to add something I thought was maybe relevant. I’m not a mindreader, BUT I’m a good detective ! I think I know what triggered her self esteem, even if it doesn’t change anything rn.

To be short, in the beginning of September, before her trip with her parents, we went to one of her friend’s birthday. There were only girls, that neither of us knew, but I discovered some of them were going to the same uni as us. One apparently developed a crush on me that night, and the other is the famous one my ex thought liked me. She’s extraverted, loud and friendly, someone you easily talk to, but who personally demands a lot of energy and attention to follow. She was the person I chatted with the most, beside my ex girlfriend of course. I objectively think I didn’t do anything suspicious, I just talked with her. I also think there were zero signs of her being interested in me, but I trusted my ex on this because she was an external person, thus more observing maybe ?

Anyway, after this party, I’m quite sure she started to spiral, to compare herself to those girls, she began her jealousy demonstrations, including the two girls I mentioned, plus other ones that aren’t even in my life anymore. Nothing I’d say would reassure her, she wouldn’t believe me. If I mentioned any if them (I did because fearing she would discover something I hadn’t told her and blame me) it was bad, but if I didn’t mention I had seen one of them from afar or just said hello, or chatted for 2 minutes, it was also bad, even worst because I had hidden it from her. I was always losing.
But yeah, I think she began to doubt herself after this event, she compared herself to me, claiming that I was so cool, everyone likes me blablabla. It was obvious to me that the fact I’m likeable doesn’t come from the 5 girly girls at a birthday who thought I was a good hang or something. I tried to make her see how that didn’t mean anything, and that the fact she maybe didn’t click with anyone doesn’t change that she’s so interesting and cool herself.
Later on, the same thinking, it’s like she would base her beauty on the number of person that has had a crush on her in her life. Again, that doesn’t have any value, she’s beautiful, not because x or y has a crush on her but just because she simply is. I kind of felt bad, because why am I not enough ? Why does she need the attention from someone else to believe she’s lovable ? I’m literally right here, loving you, and telling you you’re beautiful, girl. I think that was the turning point, and the fact she would reject my love much later, even be uncomfortable, either comes from this, or from the fact she indeed had already lost her feelings towards me like she said. But some things definitely don’t add up.