Hello. It's been a while since my last post here... My stay here a few years ago helped me a lot, but then I began struggling with some minor and major changes in my life and I simply forget this forum. Now it came to my mind, just when I'm probably living one of the most difficult situations in my entire life. I broke up with my friends several months ago, for personal reasons that seemed not right but unavoidable at the time, but now I see that I could have done it much better back then, and I'm really trying to solve the situation, but I don't know if I will make it. Pandemic shook everything. I was living in another time, I was just a few months in a new job, and then I found myself in a world that I couldn't recognize. Lockdowns made the physical and emotional distance unbearable for me, and I felt that I couldn't fit anymore in my group of friends from my hometown. And when that crisis ended, and then I saw them... and I couln't recognize them. I didn't want to be with them, although I still loved them a lot. I can't explain why... but I felt that their world wasnt' mine anymore. Last Christmas it all exploded. Previously, my best friend (he was like a brother for me, and I was in love with them once... and he knew, and it didn't matter), someone I loved so much, broke up with her girldfriend: it was a long term relationship that it was over long ago, but finally he decided to end it because he wanted to have fun, be with other girls and that kind of pretexts. Well, that was what I thought. I couldn't understand that neither agree with him. But I couldn't explain that to him. I felt blocked. And then, after a brief conversation with him and other friends where they were so supportive, they showed so much love to me because they did want to help me and make me feel better and cured... I also saw that the group had no self-control at all. They were talking about parties, drunkenness, hungover, sex with a lot of girls as if they were trophies... or that was what I perceived. And then my mind couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote a long letter to my best friend. I asked him and the rest of the group to leave me alone. I didn't want to know anything from them. No contact, no words, nothing. I needed space and time. I couldn't recognize them. I felt guilty but also I couldn't be there with them. It hurted so much. And that was it... I didn't want to close the door, i was hoping that sooner or later I could be back... but it was an end, I fear. Now, after one teraphy that was a failure and with another therapist that is helping me a lot, I understand a lot of things. That my reaction, that visceral reaction comes from how I've learnt to scape from things that I find unfair. That's my own learning in my life path, I'm not guilty for that... but I need to change it. It brings me no joy at all. But now I'm back home... and I realize how much pain I've caused to the people I once loved. Since Christmas, I couldn't feel anything. It was like if all the anger, disapointment and pain had erased years and years of friendship, and even I didn't care for my best friend (my brother, one of the persons that I love the most in my life). And now... all that love is coming back to me. And it hurts so much... I don't know what to do. My best friend is hurted. I don't know what will be his reaction. I have to be prepared for an end, if he doesn't want to come back. I'd understand that, as I cannot control him... but I don't know what should I do then. I couldn't stand that. I couldn't bear losing him because of my fault... But I only can express to him, to them, my regrets for all the pain that I've caused, how I am managing to understand why, and my sincere intention to be fine with them... as I can't ask them for reconciliation. It's not only of my business. But I'm so scared... Now I feel love again, but I fear I'm losing it. And I caused it. And I don't know what to do, how will I manage this.
If you want to reconnect with your friend or friends it might be a good idea to write again to explain what has been going on and why you reacted in the way that you did. In the same way you created this thread, you can take time to really think about what you want to say to offer the fullest explanation. There is no guarantee that he/they will reach out to you afterwards, but if you make a real effort to describe what has been going on it could make a difference. This quote really stood out to me though, because it sounds like a serious conflict of values with that group of friends. Although you have discussed everything in therapy, are you sure you have (or will be able to) overcome such a fundamental difference in outlook? Our friends don't need to have precisely the same ideas and attitudes about life, but it can be very hard to navigate your way through really big differences. I'm not sure how you can incorrectly perceive some of these things. It's something to really consider before making any further approach, because if they haven't changed, you may find that you are compromising your own values to maintain friendships. Is that something that you are really prepared to do?
Thank you very much for your answer, PatrickUK. I really appreciate your words. I've been making some approaches these weeks, as I've returned home for vacation. Some friends have agreed with me and admitted that the group had not any direction recently, but for them it was just "the tip of the iceberg", and the group dynamic was not only reduced to hungovers. However, some other people has told me that my best friend is now "disoriented and unleashed". That really hurts me. If I know him well, sooner or later will be regretting his behaviour. And for him, me "abandoning" him and the group is so traumatic that I understand his anger and pain, as (I suppose) he knows that I've done that because of his/their attitude. But I cannot bet for that. Times have changed. I don't know what will I find when I finally talk to him. We'll meet at the end of the month. I'm so, so scared... I don't know what to expect. He is "unstable", as people have told me. I don't know if I could manage both my feelins and his (and I know that mine come first). And if he has changed so heavily that he has crossed the line to a world where I cannot be with him... nothing could have prepared me to handle that. Because love is still there, I think both ways. Maybe we are not in the same path anymore, or for a long time. I don't know. Neither I know if I could still be his/their friend but ignoring that behaviour or letting it pass. Some people told me that's the best way to handle it, but I think I wouldn't be able to. My feelings towards him/them have been so, so strong, that I couldn't take a step back. I found that my values are quite different from them. And if now thing have turned worst, then maybe I'll have to face that is not my group anymore. And it hurts, because it's been so sudden, so abrupt... and I still love them.
How can I cope with guilt? Things got better, much better since August. We talked back then, and it was hard, and painful, but we needed to face each other's struggles with our breakup. It took some time, but my friend began messaging me again, and I did the same. He asked me sometimes how I was dealing with things, he even called me to tell me a problem... But now I'm back at home for Christmas. And, though we have met a few days, and it's been very emotional and caring, like when you heal a wound and it's goog though it hurts... I cannot avoid this weird feeling that it's an "imposture". I know it's my ming playing tricks on me, and that I couldn't expect to live the same old-friendship-situation, but it's still strange to me. I suppose it's difficult for both sides. Friends don't call me, although they have attended all my calls and petitions to meet, and I think it's because they don't dare to do it, as they don't know if I'm ready: last time we meet, a year ago, I suddenly broke all relationship with them and asked them not to talk me anymore. It's like "tell us when you want to meet, and we will be there". And I don't dare talking to them... because I feel "ashamed". I can't cope with guilt, with knowing that I caused so much pain going away with no explanations. I fear the consequences of that, and I'm not ready to know them. Yes, I know I'm overthinking, that I'm supposing too much without knowing anything. But... this afternoon I have no plans, nobody has called me, I don't expect any call, and I don't dare trying it. It's hard for me. It's like I don't know how to interact with people. As if I couldn't do it anymore. And my friends didn't want to be with me. I don't know how to stop these thougths. I don't know how to "forgive" myself... even if I know that there's nothing to forgive. Better said: I can't make peace with myself. I used to be responsible for all my life, take care of everyone, and now, knowing that I broke it all... I can't deal with it, with myself.
Sorry for bothering you again with this ongoing situation... but my mind is under a cahotic explosion of feelings and thought that I don't know how to deal with. How can I cope with how much it hurts being loved? It's a contradiction... or maybe not for us, who have been denying our right to be loved by people just for being as who we are... and, even more, loved by male straight people. I still feel very guilty because I left my friends a year ago without any explanation. I had my reasons, but my reaction was unreasonable. Panic, fear took control of me. And I hurted my loved ones. By biggest fear, to be abandoned, I made it true with them. And it's so hard for me to forgive me... Shortly before I left, last year, my friends wrote me letters to tell me how much did they care about me, how much I gave to the group. It was a task for the therapy that I was taking back then. And, due to those letters, I first realized that they really loved me, and were worried about me. I was the last friend to join a straight male group of friends since High School, and when I joined we all had finished University. But I couldn't handle my feeling then properly, and I left them. Now I feel the same: it's overwhelming. I've meet them today. It's been a regular afternoon, just like in the old times. I'm now back in touch with my best friend, who was the most hurted by my attitude but who hasn't hesitated to be with me again this Christmas (although it's been hard... we have hesitated a lot to talk to each other since last summer). But this feeling of forgiveness, of care, of tenderness, of care... I don't know how to react. I feel like if it's a lack of love inside myself that may connect the feeling that I can't belong to my group of friends and my worries of having a romantic relationship with a guy. I have so much love to give, but I can't believe that anybody else could love me. And, after what I did with my group... forgiveness is something that I couldn't believe it was possible, but it is, and it's wonderful... but also scares and confuses me. I don't know if I'm explaining it clearly...
I've been there myself. I used to have extreme feelings of shame, guilt, suicide, and self loathing. It became so overwhelming that I felt I was going insane. I got sick of being stuck and burned out. At my lowest point I learned two things. One - all my feelings are normal and part of life. Anger, happiness, fortune, misfortune, shame, pride. Life gives you the whole package and you can't pick and choose what will happen. I just accept that it is a part of life. Life just happens and you just have to take the punches whether it's from someone else or yourself. Life by virtue is indifferent to people, places, or things. So I just try not to take it too personal. Two - I have made many mistakes in my life. So I have regrets like anyone else and I don't know if I can totally forgive myself. But that's OK and you don't have to. You just have to keep moving forward and grow from your mistakes. I F*** up from time to time and I acknowledge and own up to it, and try to improve and do better. It's sucks and it's not easy. Accept the bad and try your best to make it better. We all go through trails and sometimes the trial derives from our own doing. If you find yourself stuck and don't know how to proceed, then just move forward. You may not find the perfect answer, but just answer it the best you can and move forward. There really is no right answer. The only wrong answer is being stuck in place. You can look at it as taking a test. So you study the best you can for a test and you trip up on a few problems while taking it. What do you do? Do spend most of your time on those few problems and fail the test because you ran out of time. Or do you answer them the best you can and proceed through the test and make an 85% score. Sure you could have studied better for the test but you passed and you'll do better next time. Just keep moving forward when it's good or bad. No perfect answers, just answers.
Finally, I can say that I, we have rebuilt our friendship. I have no doubts now. We are back. We care for each other. We use to talk. We talk about our worries and share what we like and we don't like. We open ourselves to each other. I've been home last week. And my best friend and I have been in touch all the week. He wanted to show me his new house. We've been spending some time together just to talk and have a drink. I'm getting emotional as I'm writing this... I got my best friend back. My brother. And I feel no pressures. I'm following my own rhythm. He respects that. And we both know it will be hard, as we both are struggling with our own demons and insecurities. But we are together again. After all this time... after all that crying... those nights of pain... those days of depression... those anxiety crises... I hugged again my best friend, and he was so kind with me, and careful, and I wanted to be there too, and finally I didn't feel it as an "imposture". I couldn't believe that I could reach this point. But, at last, I feel confident, safe and calmed. Maybe our feelings were so strong that they couldn't be broken easily. Although it took several months to rebuild the bond between us. Now I recall last summer, last autumn... and we couldn't be "at 100%" back then. We were broken. But we had hope, and it was really hard for me to go on, but I tried. And I know it has had to be hard for him too. But we both thought it was worth it, for sure. The feeling of reconciliation is overwhelming. I don't know how to deal with it. I want to cry everytime I think of it. I'm not used to begin again. And this must be one of the biggest love lessons that I've learnt, and it's still in progress. So much feelings... damn, it's so good, but so hard at the same time. Love can be too much, sometimes.
Thank you for sharing the heartwarming ending to rebuilding your friendship. Sharing your story as you did, not knowing how things are going to turn out, but keeping at it trying to make things work out, is inspiring.
