So since I was young I have had these crushes on guys. There happened something when I was a child so I got exposed quickly to sexual stuff by my peers like lesbian porn and such and fantasies about sexual acts with women. And after that I mostly thought about women from porn, it got quickly coded into my brain. But at the same time it felt weird? I at the same time didn't experience any crushes on women or wanted to be with someone of the same sex irl (eventhough I had tons of female friends and several who were bi /lesbian) I just never was interested. I kept having my focus on guys irl. However I got OCD and I started to get really bad after watching alot of porn like lesbian porn. I felt like I get really affected. I have a bf and I really fell in love, sex with him and sex with him have been great like intense orgasms and such and some guys on the street gives me this rush like I want to be near them if I check them out like a want to share lips. However my brain kept telling me I was lesbian because I kept analyzing and overthinking the porn and worrying about being lesbian. I then couldnt handle it anymore, so I went on ###### to figure out if I was into women, swiped alot no one who I found attractive out of 1000 swipes. However I found one who was very sweet and a little above average looking. We went out and I felt very uncomfiable. Like we went out again on a 2nd date and I had to really prepare my self to kiss her like drinking because I was not comfiable with it, we kissed and I felt really uncomfiable. Like repulsed, like sharing spit and such was nope. No arousal. No butterflies. I got really nausea. Nothing wrong with her hygiene and she was a good kisser very gentle but no. That should had been a sign, but I thought "no I have to go through figuring out if I would like sex". She took my hand down to feel her vagina, and I felt so repulsed. Like feeling wetness was very very uncomfiable and icky to me. and just the feeling of touching a wet vagina. The oral was way way worse I ended up gagging and crying it was really not a nice experience. I ended up washing my hands and mouth wash after. After that I was sure that I didnt want to do it again- because I kept gagging in my brain after. But I still keep questioning.. Did any one of you feel like this with your prefered sex? Ps. I am a woman btw.
Romantic and sexual attraction are two separate things. They usually compliment one another but not always. I would solely focus on the romantic attraction for now to try and retrain your brain. It may feel like starting over and rebuilding the wheel, but you can do it.
Sounds like you need to quit watching porn and focus on your boyfriend. Well done for giving it a try though, most people don't get that far and spend their energies on never-ending questioning.
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I echo exactly what @JT1999 says. I tried to be straight and my earliest sexual encounter with a woman sounds exactly like yours. Over the intervening two decades, while I got somewhat used to it, I never really enjoyed it. The whole time, having been with men before her, I was longing to be with men. Since returning to men I am truly enjoying sex and can't believe I tried to be something I'm not for so long. So well done for experimenting, but don't push yourself further now that you have the answer. I can assure you from experience that it does not lead to happiness.
Hey it sounds like it was most likely the OCD talking rather than you actually liking women. Are you getting some treatment for your OCD?
I don't know you, so it's hard to tell. From the description it sounds like you aren't sexually and physically attracted to women. You may find other women beautiful and like their personalities, but it doesn't need to mean you want to go to bed with them. Maybe you aren't attracted to women at all or it was that you experimented with a woman you wasn't attracted to. If you sees other beautiful women, you would feel a tingly feeling down there if you are genuinely sexually attracted to them and want them. If you doesn't feel that, you most likely isn't attracted. It's possible to be romantically attracted to more than one gender, but only being sexually attracted to one gender. Biromantic people are attracted to two genders, but only sexually attracted to one of the genders or none (if they're asexual).
Doesn't seem you are gay to me. You have a certain attraction to women for a certain intimacy, but it's not for a romantic and definitely not sexual. Maybe you like flirting a bit with gayness and were curious so you went ahead and tried it once. But it doesn't seem to appeal to you at all. In your own words you feel very, very uncomfortable. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
