This is my first time on here I just wanted to write everything down and get advice if anyone can be bothered to read it all. I'm a 16yr old girl in my GCSE year in a British homophobic secondary school. I have recently come to terms with the fact I'm gay, it took me a lot of time and crying but I now have accepted that my life won't look like everyone else's. I am a massive overthinker, very insecure about everything, I don't like much about myself and struggle to see how someone else could. I am also quite privileged, I go to a boarding school (exactly what you imagine) the girl I talk about I am in the same dorm with. I don't even know where to start. This year I came out to my friends which lead to finding out that one of them is gay, ill call her Sara. On the night we came out to eachother we all admited who we has crushes on at the time, the S had a crush on a girl in the same house as us, I'll call her A (boarding school type of thing) I had been avoiding the fact I was gay for quite a while so love and crushes were something I didn't at all let my self have . Very low self confidence as well made me feel embarrassed to have a crush as i though I was too ugly to be loved. Anyway Sara was basically unloved with this other girl , like fell hard . We all knew A was straight including her and eventually she got over it. Around this October I noticed that I started to get closer feelings for Sara, I have never even considered a relationship possible so I pushed it away for the next few months. I was in a dorm with her and lots of close contact and late night chats and falling asleep next to eachother all that happened was I fell hard. On December 5th we kissed eachother, i wasnt even aware she liked me. on December 12th she asked me to be her girlfriend. And for the next few weeks it was heaven, I had been in love with her since November but she fell in love with me and confessed late December close to Christmas day. Honestly she is the best thing to happen to me, we are perfect almost 100% of the time, open loving andbut we are back at school now and my insecurities are heavy right now. This girl A is everywhere , all of my and Sara's classes. They sit next to eachother in front of me for most seating plans, when walking places its them walking and then me behind, when A comes in the room Sara is chatty, lights up and laughs and looks so happy. I really feel like she only settled for me because I was the only person who liked her back, the only gay person who she could date to have someone to hold at night. I feel like a second choice and i wonder if she thinks of how it would have been if A was gay, I think she settled for me but I love her to much to do anything. She makes me feel love and happiness stronger than I have ever felt but also the worst pain and self hating. I just want to know If its me that's the problem , mabye I am overthiking it.
Hey, welcome to EC. I was 16 when I first joined here, in something of a similar situation to you. It sounds like with your girlfriend, you shouldn’t try and overthink things too much. Take each day as it comes and try not to get jealous about the straight girl. First loves and teenage relationships can be an emotional rollercoaster, so as much as you can just try to chill out and enjoy the new experiences. And don’t worry about being gay, you really aren’t missing out on much when it comes to teenage boys!
RssnsaLG.....I usually catch people when they make their first post in the "Welcome Lounge" but I missed you there, so I'll catch back up to you here! *****Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
Welcome to EC. I tend to have a bad habit of overthinking things too and I could think of a number of things off the top of my head of what may or may not be the case with Sara. I can't say anything for sure but she may just be overwhelmed with confusing feelings too or I would venture to guess Sara admires A and wants to be more like her. However If A is confirmed straight then I doubt you have much to worry about. Your intuition and concerns are healthy but don't let it cloud the time you spend with her. Like JT19 said just try to chill out and enjoy the new experiences. If Sara's pattern of odd behavior persists quietly observe and analyze it for a period of time. If the math doesn't add up then privately and sweetly communicate those concerns to her. If it's nothing then it's nothing. If it's something then you will be prepared for that outcome. 16 is a hectic time to be alive with a flood of new feelings. I know it's difficult but try to give yourself more credit. From what you stated so far, you have a lot to be proud of. Your 16 already accepted your sexuality, came out and was accepted by your friends, and you got a girlfriend. It may not be perfect since nothing truly is, but I find what you accomplished very impressive. I can only wonder what life would be like for me at 16 if I accepted myself back then. Growing up is awkward and life is crazy but you will grow.
I haven't been giving advice lately but this post caught my eye.... First Off: Glad you come out of the closet to your friends, hopefully they were supportive.... I know what its like to be an overthinker and to be insecure, its not the greatest feeling. People say I'm good-looking but for me I just don't see it in myself... I was also very privileged when I was a teen. My parents were very rich. I also went to a boarding school since age 12. I was still in the closet. I had a group of all male friends and eventually when I turned 13 some of them knew I was gay... I remember my first crush his name was Jonah... Everytime I saw him, I would turn red, hide behind someone, and the words I wanted to tell him never could escape my mouth. He completely thought I was weird, I would literally speak gibberish to him if he asked me something. There was this girl, he loved... she was perfect, straight blonde hair, blue eyes, her body was perfect... I remember sometime in October it was very cold, Jonah, his friends, me and my friends were all outside. I didn't have a jacket and Jonah gave me his and told me to keep it. We started hanging out more and eventually he asked me out but I was too afraid to say yes, but I did smile and jump into his arms.... About a month later, I started noticing that every time the girl he liked walked by it would catch his attention and I could tell that he still liked her.... so I did something that broke my heart, I introduced them and 3 days later he broke up with me and started dating her... To this day they are married and they have 3 children. Another Thing: You should never call yourself ugly, it will make your self esteem crash. I also think you should ask Sara some questions on how she feels about you, I know some answers could hurt but at least you will stop wondering if you are a side item. Some Other Stuff: If I didn't introduce Jonah to the Blonde hair girl, I realized he would be loving someone he didn't want to love. Also when I turned 14 I met this wonderful guy, his name was Cayden me and him fell in love. I realized if I didn't introduce Jonah and Blondy I would have never met my one (Even though he got killed at age 18 when I was 17) More: I know what its like to love someone so much, because I loved that they made me feel love and happiness but they also hurt me so bad, a while back they stood me up on a date and started mocking me... I'm still not over it. What I'm trying to say: What I guess I'm trying to say is, sometimes you have to go through a few people to find your one. The one who makes you happy, and they try their hardest not to make you sad. They barley make you feel self hate and when you do they help you through it, I promise you that there is your true one out there somewhere waiting for you, whether its this Sara or if its some stranger you haven't even got to know yet. You will find your one! Young love is very confusing. Actually all love is confusing. All love can hurt. Wish you luck: Don't hate on yourself. I wish you luck with all of this! Hopefully this makes sense and some of my words helped!
Hey congratulations on coming out and getting a girlfriend, I can understand why you are overthinking everything but the problem with overthinking things is it rarely helps. I would try and take every day as it comes and enjoy your time with her. Does she know you are worried about it?
Honestly this came at possibly the best time, I am so sorry to hear about your loss especially as you were so young. Your reply has really helped me, I don't honestly think this relationship will last forever, the chances are crazy low and we are both 16 and have diffrent ideas on how to love/show love. but for now I think I just have to realise it doesn't have to be perfect, I should just enjoy what I have currently even if it's mabye not what is what at the beggining
I don't think she knows how worried I am, I assume she is aware of the slightly awkward situation it is between us 3. I am hoping she doesn't reallize how much it hurts me otherwise it just means she doesn't care. This sounds rather negative but honestly I do think (at least I hope) that I am overthiking everything but I am just struggling as I know I wasn't her first "crush/love'
Thank you, this is really helpful. I am honestly so grateful that I have had friends that support me and I also have ish supportive parents. No one I am close close with in my life is homophobic and I am so grateful for this becuase it means I have accepted my sexauality with alot of denial but I have finally accepted.
Hi there! Fully agreed with others. It's easy to overthink and analyse things because you have deeper feelings for her and the relationship started at a time that sounds like it was perfect timing. One thing that might help in addition to the suggestions already provided is to try to work a little on your own self-confidence, how you see yourself. Sometimes, the questions that come up about being wanted, valued, loved, worthy of connection, and the what 'ifs,' are tied to how we see ourselves, and how confident we are in ourselves, and wether we belive we are worthy of love and belonging. Doubts lead to doubts, more questions. If you can, try to belive in yourself and acknowlede the journey you have already completed and are still on. As Chilton mentioned, you have a lot to be prouf of. Building on that, try to avoid questioning, comparisons. It is hard not to question and not to compare - reminding yourself regularly (and saying it out loud if you feel it could help) that you have things to be proud of, you have the support you need, are lovable and are worthy of love and belonging, might help in reducing the fears.
Thank you this honestly is really encouraging, I think I will try what you said as I think My insecurities are inly causing more insecurities. Thank you so much
