Butterflies and the thrill of the unknown

I feel a "butterflies in my stomach" level of excitement when I think about being with a man. It sort of melts my whole body if that makes sense. I am not in a situation where I can experiment to find out more about my sexuality. I am curious how much of this is the thrill of the unknown and something I can't quite have. I don't know if that feeling would last or if it would "level out" over time. How do I find out more about this if I am not able to experience it directly?

 

Thanks. I have moments where it feels strong and clear. It sort of comes and goes.

 

Thanks for sharing. So happy to hear you have fully embraced who you are and that you are having amazing experiences to go with it!

 

My head has been spinning the past day or so... so much to take in and so many feelings.

What I am noticing:

- This is a part of who I am and that is okay (it could be amazing, just not there yet)
- I buried my feelings about this my entire life. I wouldn’t let myself go there as there as so much fear of judgment.
- I’ve always wanted to interact with the queer community, but didn’t know how… without feeling worried someone I knew would find out.
- Because the straight narrative is so strong, I really appreciate some of the comments here that help reframe how I look at it. Maybe I am more gay than bi and I just haven’t given myself the permission to go there.
- My sensitive and gentle side of me may be my best self. I want to express it more.
- I need to take this slow. It feels like a whirlwind right now and I have to keep reminding myself there is no rush to figure this out. Stay curious and see where it leads. I have really started to embrace moving toward what I am drawn to and see what happens.

I have initiated a counselling service... will start in the New Year. Just the act of asking for a LGBTQ affirming counsellor was a big step. There is a Gay Dad's group in a city I sometimes travel to that I think could be safe way to interact in person. Baby steps!

 

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has shared their insights and experiences here and on other threads. I am feeling good overall, but also my whole nervous system feels out of whack right now. So many feelings about finding myself and letting go of past judgment. Being open to new ways of seeing myself and challenging previous narratives.

I feel like I need to give myself a bit of a break just to calm down a bit. Hoping to get out in nature and focus on connecting with people over the holidays.

The one thing I underestimated is how supportive and caring the queer community is. The feeling of warmth, welcome and acceptance is so strong. I wish other groups and communities could show up like you do!

 

I think a big part of is this disconnect between my inner world and outer world. I have built a life around being straight. I am now at a stage of life where I recognize the ways I shifted myself to be accepted and feel safe. Even now, I can go from feeling pretty clear about myself when I am alone or daydreaming to questioning myself when I am around people I know. I think it is all about where we feel safe being our true selves and we can be pretty good at protecting ourselves without even knowing it.

I have also noticed other threads where people shared they were not attracted to men IRL even though they had some really hot fantasies. I can relate to this as I tend to be more drawn to the idea of it than actual people. I'm curious how that shifts as I open myself up to new possibilities. Last week I was at an appointment and the guy working there caught my eye. I allowed myself to really look at him and thought... this guy is hot!

Reading others journeys through this really helps keep things in perspective. I know I am not straight. I know I have had fantasies about men since puberty. I feel this pull that gets stronger. I like hearing about how others views about themselves shifted over time and how they worked through their own doubt and denial. It helps to see similar patterns in my own journey.

 

Things are becoming more clear for me. I feel in my heart that I am bisexual. I read an article from a person who came to the same conclusion and it just felt like I could have written the exact same thing. I love my wife and I want to stay with her. I am hopeful she will feel the same, but expect there to be some adjustments and recognize there are risks and unknowns. I am still working up the courage to tell her, but getting clear was an important step. If she was going through this, I would want her to tell me so we could figure it out together.

I also feel really drawn to the queer community. I'd really like to be a part of this community and hopefully help others as well. I am finding this community warms my heart and I just want to be a bigger part of it. I also feel a bit of imposter syndrome at times... thinking do I belong here? I have read about how many bi folks often feel this way. EC has been really helpful in finding my way.

 

Thanks @nguyenloc2k2. I am finding self-reflection to be very helpful. Just by opening my mind to possibilities, I can understand myself much better. Appreciate the advice!