Am I bisexual? Asking as someone who came out as gay

I would just tell them that people are allowed to change and it's just a new development about yourself that you're coming to terms with and never seriously considered before. You're not a robot forced to live out one carved out path your entire life. Other people can ride or die in their own bubbles, not you.

Also being Bisexual can be a pretty broad spectrum. It's not seldomly always a stereotypical 50/50 split attraction. You could be more largely attracted to men more than women. Romantically and sexually attracted to one sex but only sexually attracted to the other. You could like more assertive qualities in one sex and feminine in the other. There can be a lot of variables that will take time to process and understand about yourself.

A better indicator to understand your attraction would be to go on a few dates with women and tell them beforehand or during the date that you're BI curious, so no misunderstandings take place. That way you can discern your romantic and sexual attractions apart from one another.

 

If you always found both sexes arousing and attractive, what led you to identifying as gay in the first place?

From my experience with gay guys, I think they will be totally fine if you tell them you’re actually bi. I’ve no idea how you just slip that into the conversation though!

 

Its ok to change peoples sexaulity changes over time

 

Let’s not start this one again….!

 

For me it was the opposite I’ve always been attracted to men and women but as I’ve gotten older my attraction to men has gotten stronger.

That’s just because I’ve become more comfortable acknowledging my sexual attraction to men

 

It sounds like you are bisexual because you are sexually attracted to both genders. You may also be romantically attracted to both and the only way to find out is continue life - seeing if you get new experiences. When you meet new people, you may feel if there is a spark there. Not every bisexual has a 50/50 attraction. Some may be 90% into one gender and only 10% into another one. Not everyone's romantic and sexual attraction matches. It means that someone may be only romantically attracted to one category, but sexually attracted to a different one.

 

Thanks for this. For the longest time I figured I was gay because I had some attraction to guys. But I knew for certain I still had a strong attraction to women so then I must be bi. But I was under this false assumption that the attraction should be equally split. I feel like I'm getting some clarity now and getting more comfortable with myself as a result.

 

If only it could be always evenly split. Would make things a whole lot easier. To be honest my attraction to men and women don’t even feel like the same thing. Like, I am ‘attracted’ to my fiancé and I am ‘something else entirely’ to women generally.

 

My attraction isn't evenly split either and it can be confusing to many other people. I'm on the bi spectrum. I'm a biromantic homosexual which mean that I'm romantically attracted to both genders, but only sexually attracted to women.

 

I would have said the same thing myself at 18. I was attracted to the idea of men but only interested in women sexually. I don’t know if something about me changed or I just reacted subliminally to new information (which essentially was that sex with men could be good).

 

It's hard to tell why. Maybe because we discover new parts of ourselves? I'm 23 now. In my case my attraction to men become less and less the older I got. When I was a teenager I had some crushes on boys because they either dressed well, had some personality traits I liked or something else. I had no strong sexual desire or attraction to them, but I was a bit curious what it would be like. Later when I learned what straight sex and the anatomy of the opposite sex looks like thanks to educational documentaries, I lost all interests suddenly. In addition my sensitivity to smell got much higher. I don't like the way men smell in a romantic and sexual context. I feel more comfortable around the sweet women's smell. It makes me sexually into women only, but I may still be romantically attracted to both genders because of personalities.

 

If you've never been with a guy then what it really would be like is probably quite different to what you're imagining. But if you have no interest anyway, then it doesn't matter. I don't think I've ever really been able to properly describe what its like to be with a woman to my straight friends that have asked. Its always 'more of this' and 'less of that' compared to a guy, but really, although there are lots of similarities it isn't really something that can be compared easily without making one sound better or worse than the other.

 

It's true one can't know what something really is like without trying. Right now my motivation to trying it physically with a man is zero because I likes the way women smells better. I have experienced being attracted to women's smell, but not men's smell in adulthood. Last time I liked a guy's smell was when we were both children/teenagers and before puberty hit us. After we finished puberty, my interest disappeared. People, when clothed, also looks more gendered when puberty hits.

 

LMAO. i got a good laugh out of your response, and probably should finish reading the rest of this topic before responding.
i do subscribe to the spectrum theory of human sexuality... and go a few steps further. i don't see our sexuality on just a linear spectrum, but find it infinitely multidimensional. i also think the very definition of life is fluid. Death is the cessation of movement? And, is there any such thing as death then, or does life just change form when our body ceases to function in a way we call "alive?"

That said, my own decidedly subjective view of the fluidity of sexuality is it moves at the rate of molasses in January at the south pole. i can identify my total bottom with sub thrown in gay self as far back as age 7. That has not moved much at all in my lifetime. Even when i was married to a woman and doing all the stuff a married hetero top is 'supposed' to do, my core remained the same... really, it became more pronounced, clearer to me in that prison of sorts.

So, functionally, i am pretty safe with my labels.
But then, i see myself as pretty far to one end of the spectrum. Those who are more in the center, with identifiers like "versatile, switch, Bi, etc, " to me have a harder row to hoe (ho?).
For instance, i rarely will ever try intimate relationship with a guy who identifies as versatile. my experience with versatile guys is they generally fall into two categories: those who can choose to be Top or bottom, and those who need both. i can connect with the former with some trepidation, but won't even attempt the latter. Why? Because intimacy, for me, requires compatibility of need/desire, and i find versatile people tend to seem more fluid, i.e., to "change." i don't think they change, they're just ambisextrous.
i think it would be much easier for me to be in a 1:1 relationship, as long as the person was at the other end of the spectrum from me. To me, those who are in the middle have needs/desires that make it difficult to force into traditional monogamy, especially if they cannot choose which hand to write with. If they feel loss if they are not connecting all their parts, if needs go unmet, i think the status quo of how relationship should be needs to be examined for validity.

 

I know what you mean about zero motivation. Even when I see really attractive men I don't ever think about wanting to sleep with them. There's no desire. I wouldn't anyway cause I'm in a relationship with a man, but its surprising to me that there's little desire. I regularly see loads of fit and good looking men at the gym I go to and it doesn't ever go further than looking, and even then it's just looking. "He has a really nice body/arms/legs, he's handsome" whatever, but I don't really ever think about anything more than that. The thoughts of them do not linger or become part of a fantasy. For me I've never really had strong sexual attraction to men unless there has been chemistry between us first. When there is chemistry there (romance/spark?), all bets are off. I'm very into my fiance physically but that has developed more and more the longer we've been together. At first I was definitely into him despite him being a man than because he was a man. But I've grown to love what his body is capable of....

Was there ever a time when you were into boys but not at all interested in women? I was boy crazy when I was in my teens, and loved having a boyfriend at school. I loved sneaking off to make out with him, getting felt up through my clothes. I never thought about girls. Eventually when I first had sex I enjoyed the overall experience but just wasn't satisfied because he didn't really know what he was doing, DIY was better. I liked his body and was turned on though. If there had been some communication about what we liked I'm sure it would have been a lot better. We split up just after I finished school, he stayed at the 6th form and I went to a different college. I made new friends there, and had a 'fumble' in bed with an older girl before I'd really had a chance to think about whether it was something I actually wanted - that became a semi-regular end to our nights out and the result of that felt like a switch had flipped in me. At least for the first couple of months I wasn't turned on by her body/femininity, but definitely was by the chemistry between us and the memory of that really good first time and the anticipation of it happening again. After things with her fizzled out, I was more keen on women because I wanted a repeat of that experience. Guys didn't really appear on my radar. Over time I did develop proper sexual attraction to female physical features and I would say now I'd be more turned on by women in general, compared to men in general.

 

Spectrum theory I am fine with. There are definitely heterosexual and homosexual people, as well as middle-of-the-road bisexuals/pansexuals. Also people who are also mostly homo- or mostly hetero-. I like the idea of "moving at the rate of molasses" too. Absent a major event, something like sexuality shouldn't change fast. If you discover something about yourself you would expect it to take time. Maybe you disagree with me here or maybe not, but I think you can learn to enjoy what you do, if what you do is a happy experience. That really describes my first same-sex experiences. Maybe that effect is stronger if it happens during your formative years, mid-teens etc when hormones are highest and you are discovering your sexual identity?

Your last bit, avoiding 'vers' guys, that sounds more like a defense mechanism than something to do with attraction? It reminds me of lesbians who rule out relationships with bi women, because of the "what if" scenario involving needs going unmet. I do wonder about gay guys though, why are all of you not versatile? Surely being the top also feels good? Especially as you managed being in a hetero sexual relationship with your wife for years.

 

Thanks for this Rayland. my first day off from my rotation at the hospital, so i'm in recovery mode right now. That's a combination of exhaustion and wanting to connect with other people like me in places like this, while napping in between.

To everyone:

The word "fluid" still sticks in my throat re sexuality. It took me half my life to process out of religious conditioning where i was trying to de-gay myself. i have been through religious "reparative therapy" and had the "demons" cast out. While i'm clinically open to the notion of sexual fluidity, my reference to molasses in January at the south pole was an attempt at ironic humor. I.e., it would pretty much be "frozen." my thoughts on those in the middle of the spectrum, like Bi or versatile, to me, while they may seem fluid, they are still fluid within the defined limits of who they are.
And that is the crux of it to me. i do not believe anyone can define you except you. No one has the right, or is right, to tell another who and how they are. So when people show up asking: "am I____________?" i think the most helpful thing is to be as clean a mirror as we can and reflect them, help them discover who and how they are in any way we can vs impose our ideas of what ___________ is.