Hi, I realized I'm into women after being straight my whole life. When the reality hit so many moments ran through my mind all the way back to childhood, of actions or behaviors I should've noticed but failed to see. I am still married, he could only be referred to as the epitome of amazing and it's killing me. But actually. I feel stuck, unhappy, and frozen to do anything. I've gotten to lows where I've considered taking my life and I can't seem to make any type of move to a direction best for me. Can anyone relate? What was the experience? How did you heal/cope? I'm so lost with guilt, shame, heartbreak, and sadness.
Hey welcome to EC, take a deep breath, you will definitely find people and stories here which are very similar to yours. I don’t have any personal experience but I know that most importantly you need to be kind to yourself. It is understandable that you feel guilt towards your partner but you didn’t do this on purpose. Nothing is more important that your mental health. I
Hi Kelsc10169, welcome to EC. Taking the step of joining this community is a move in a good direction for you. There are plenty of people here, me included, that can relate in varying degrees to your situation. This community will help you, we're here for you. I accepted that I'm gay last year after years of denial, and looking back with all my mental blocks gone, it's laughably obvious that I was gay and I knew it as young as 10, but I certainly didn't understand it. Believing that any thoughts and temptations with men was wrong, both morally and socially, I did what was expected of me and I got married to a woman and we were fruitful and multiplied. Unlike you, my relationship with my spouse was not loving. Long story, but she was psychologically abusive. I wasn't happy and I was trapped. She blackmailed me enough to keep me from going anywhere, and I long believed I'd never know happiness. On top of that, I was fighting my sexuality and bottling all of this up. Thoughts were dark, but knowing how suicide would hurt the children, it was never more than a stray thought. I became very introverted and hid in my work, music, books and games. Most here have had to consider wether to come out to their spouses/SO and this is where my experience differs. We've both been quite ill this past year, and while I have mostly recovered, she's terminally ill and deteriating in a care home, effectively separating us seven months ago. This brings a very different guilt, have I robbed her of having a marriage with a man who truly loved her? She's not got a second chance at a relationship, but I do. Sometimes I think the universe has gifted me as I've got the house, the kids, etc and it ended the abuse. Other times I blame myself for not accepting my sexuality sooner, to have ever tried to pass as straight and to have not sought help sooner. Ultimately it's not my fault I didn't understand my sexuality until so late. When I was a teen, we didn't have the internet with forums like this, there was no representation on TV and most of the celebrity gay men that were known of in the 90s were dead or dying from AIDS and being villianised for it. Society is heteronormative, even in these relatively sexually enlightened times in the western world, so it's not surprising that we felt pressured to be "normal". We're here to help you and know that you are no longer alone!
Hi kel We arent alone. We can share our stories and find insight into why we have made certain choices, against our true selves due to family, society, or inner conflict. I can relate to your situation. Happy to chat. Its difficult to look back, as I have too, at so many wasted years with regret, loss and sadness. But there is a future for us, happiness and love. We just have to find ourselves again. The journey will be the the most joyous..
Kelsc.....I usually catch people when they make their first post in the "Welcome Lounge" but I missed you there, so I'll catch back up to you here! As others have already said, there are a lot of us here on EC with stories like yours. I think you will find friends here and will be able to share with them as well as get support and help to see you through the situation that you are facing now. Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! *****Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. *****In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
Hi, hope you’re doing ok. I’ve been through something like you, but a little different. My fiancé knew I was bisexual from day one, I told him the day we met. And we didn’t get together initially, we were more like casually dating for a few years as we lived in different cities. He knew I saw other women and back then it was fine, but after we were ‘official’ and living close by one another it continued, and I have felt guilty about that at times, even though he has always said he is totally OK with it. Now we live together and it’s stopped, which I guess I feel a bit sad about, like something is missing. And I sometimes feel guilty that I am thinking about women when I have a great, committed male partner. But I love him, and I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with a woman. What can you do? This attraction to women that you have now, is it something in addition to your attraction to your husband or is it kinda replacing it? I have to admit when I first started feeling genuinely attracted to women, I forgot all about men for a couple of years. But after 6+ years of being with one guy and errrr, quite a few women, I think I am fairly comfortable about being attracted to both. Have you said anything at all about how you’re feeling to your husband? And how is the relationship generally, fairly solid? You said he was an amazing guy so I take it you are on good terms still?
Hi, welcome to EC. Feel free to start a new thread, I'm sure we can help you, most of us have been in similar situations. X
Hello! Referring to the title there is no such thing as coming out late - You could be a 90 year old and still be able to come out. I've read so far that you are thinking of taking your life? That's not a good choice - You should not take your life no matter what. Sadly I can't really relate to you. I've never been married - I've almost been married before though! I wanted to share some ways I cope with pain Sometimes I do a thing called "Meditation with guided imagery", begin deep breathing, paying attention to each breath. Then listen to calming music or imagine being in a restful environment. If you find your mind wandering, say "refresh," and call the image back into focus..... I also do a thing called "Deep breathing", Inhale deeply, hold for a few seconds, and exhale. To help you focus, you can use a word or phrase to guide you. For example, you may want to breathe in "peace" and breathe out "tension." Just for your information: There are also several apps for smartphones and tablets that use sound and images to help you maintain breathing rhythms. I also do something called "Mindfulness" Pick any activity you enjoy - reading poetry, walking in nature, gardening, or cooking - and become fully immersed in it. Notice every detail of what you are doing and how your senses and emotions are responding... I also like to do "Positive thinking" just think positive! Hopefully some of those helped!
I have a very similar story. I've known I was gay since I was 16 - but I stayed in the closet for many years, even though I "wanted" to make love to women. I had chances with women that I turned down - I denied being gay, was ashamed of it, some women sensed I was a lesbian but could not get me to admit it. Like you, I met a man who is perfect for me. I told him I might be gay when we got serious and he was OK with it. I was in love with him by then and still in the closet so getting married seemed to be the right thing to do. About two years ago, a friend who knew I was gay ( had told her but not acted on it) lent me an old copy of the Hite report on female sexuality. A whole section of it is about lesbians. When I read it, I realized I could do all that, and that I wanted to do all that. So I decided to act on it. I started reaching out to women I knew were gay. At this point, I would love to say a nice woman met me and encouraged me but that didn't happen. I have experienced nothing but disappointment . In just one year I have become bitter, depressed, angry. I was much happier in the closet. Yesterday I told a counsellor that I now hate women! And I meant it. Women do not want to date anyone who is married. I am now so bitter than I doubt I will ever be able to do anything with a woman! Even though I know I am lesbian and have a normal sex drive, normal in every way. I now have given up finding anyone and I just talk to counsellors or any one else that I am out to - about how horrible it is to be a lesbian. Even if I wasn't married, it would still be hard to find anyone, so there is no easy solution to my problems. Very similar to your story - hope I have not depressed you too much. I have not found my answer yet and I don't think there will be an answer for me. I am trying to live this life that I have been dealt - that is all I can do. Another curious fact about my life - women that I meet IRL don't seem to mind that I am married but these are not women I meet regularly and it's hard to get together. For example one came on to me while I was with my husband!!!! This is the way my life goes.
Hey, i finally just come out to my parents and I am almost 36. It felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders to tell you the truth before I felt like I was living a lie and carrying a secrete. I can't say I 100% relate to your situation but if you read through the forms you will find many in the exact spot you are in. If you care just to make a new friend to chat with, by all means send me a message
Hello All..... It's the weight of that secret that keeps so many of us down. We carry it for years and it causes so much pain, grief, self-hate and eventually depression. When we finally come out and actually tell someone, we in essence destroy that secret. When we are at last free of the secret it is indeed like a weight has been lifted from us! For the first time we breathe the free air of being our true selves and that air is ever so sweet and refreshing! It's like the first breath of a newborn. .....David
I can't comment on the marriage thing, as I'm luck enough to be single, but I've only just admitted to myself at the end of November that I'm gay trans. I've lost my family to Illness and the only friends I may potentially meet is on here. My friend's won't accept me when they know, especially to the degree of my homosexually. So kinda feel on my own in this world atm. But don't feel guilty. Non of us (well not me anyway) asked for this. But we are who we are. And yes I've felt like not wanting to be here anymore. But you're not on your own. But you can't live a lie. Nobody knows what happens after this. I have to assume this is my one and only life. Its so hard sometimes. Apart from on here, I feel alone
