Sometime in the next few days, I’ll be deleting my EC account. I’ve met some amazing people who have shown me incredible kindness, so I’m sticking around long enough to share goodbyes and good lucks with anyone interested. At some point, I was always going to reach the end of the line, where I’d have to make a decision that would last the rest of my life. Today is the day. The decision is that I am not going to transition, and I must close and burn my Book of Possibility. Today begins the rest of my life. I will live it as a man. The hard part is done, and I can rest now. Thanks for your kindness everyone. Fight on for yourself and those who can fight no more. We’re all rooting for you.
What happened. Spill it @staticinmyattic otherwise we can't offer any insight. Of course I can't tell you what to do or not to do. The decision is up to you, but I do wish to hear the contect behind this decision. Supressing yourself will only cause you heartbreak.
I need to know I have a future. I’m flexible about what that future is. I love my wife and my family, and I won’t knowingly take any action that will jeopardize my life with them. Transition would be just such an action. Maybe we’d all stick together, but maybe we wouldn’t. I can’t know, and the risk is not worth it. If I were to lose my family, I would have no future, living as a man or as a woman. The confidence and strength to admit what I am came from the success of creating a loving family. To transition would be to play Russian roulette with my life. I value my life too much, so I have made a commitment.
Yes. We’ve been direct and honest with each other. She told me that if I were there transition she could not know if she could remain with me until she was in the situation. I consider her honesty incredibly brave, and she is struggling with her inability to be completely accepting of me while being honest with herself. So, maybe I could transition and remain married, maybe not. I’d have to commit before I can know. I’ve never been a gambler, but even if I was, the stakes are too high for me. So I’m making a commitment because vacillating back and forth has become a problem. I have decided that what I value most is my family, and I’m going to protect and keep what I value.
At least you've been honest with each other. And I understand how important family is to you. I won't tell you not to live your life as you see fit, but leave the account. You still need support even if not transitioning. It can be very hard to deal with this. I want to continue support you and be your friend, if and as needed. You're still part of this community. I think your family would want you to be happy, rather than miserable.
You know what. Ok. I am taking time off but leaving the account intact. Rayland, I hold you in very high regard. You’ve earned my trust over and over.
Today is not happening as I'd hoped it would. I explained my choice to my wife. That I'm committing to living my life as the man she married. This didn't help. It made her sad, and she said she feels like our marriage is a lie, and that she's keeping me from being who I am. She's avoiding me now. I think I've fucked things up beyond repair this time. It's been a day of heavy hints followed by retreating. I'm growing terrified that she's working up to talking about separation. Before I met her, I was on the fast track to an early grave. It was in her company that I learned that life can be good. I don't want to go back. I don't have time to start again.
She wants you to be happy and even if she decides that this life isn't for her, then the arrangments don't have to change. It don't mean the end of the world or that you wouldn't see your family ever again anymore. Talk to your wife about your fears. It all needs to be communicated.
Try to give her some space for the time being. She is processing a lot of information and thoughts of what the future has in store. From what you stated she may be hesitant for you to continue to sacrifice and suffer like you have been doing during your marriage. Even though your sacrifice is noble, she might not see it the same way as you and it is hard for her to accept your pain for her happiness. Like Rayland said, it is not necessarily an ending and your family and wife can still be close even if you do get separated/divorced. I know it's not the same but the family dynamics can still be positive. Also you won't be knocked back to square one as you fear and send you back in time to your lowest point. It will simply be rebuilding a new path. It's not going back but beginning again. You're more prepared than when you were younger. You have more experience, resilience, and a toolbox of personal skills. You wont lose anything but it will change. You do have time to begin again.
Our minds have this stupid ability to see things as black and white, as all or nothing. I don't think you've fucked everything up, but I can see why it might feel that way. Take some time to process what's happening, but don't assume things about your wife and her intentions. She seems like she'd want to offer her support, even if your relationship might take a different form (which isn't the end of the world), if you decide to transition. Talk it out. Wishing you all the best.
Hi there! I think it is okay to also take a break from the conversation and to provide a bit of space for the both of you as it were. I don't think you have fucked up things (to use your words), but it might be good to let things settle a bit before picking up the conversation. Based on what you have shared so far, it sounds like you have a strong relationship with your wife and she is aware of where things are at for you. Sometimes things feel worse than they actually are. (*hug*)
Many of you have advised me to give her space. This is very very good advice, thank you. She took a several hours long nap while I delivered an Oscar worthy performance in role of “Man Not Losing His Sanity” for an audience of my children. She woke, I expressed concern for her well being and her and asked what if anything I could do for her, which made her furious. So I went and took a several hours long nap myself. Now we’re all up and it’s dinner time.
