I am starting to see all the ways I blocked myself. I grew up in an environment where anything but straight was judged and ridiculed. Deep down if I thought I was queer then I wouldn't be accepted by many of the people I depended on in life. At least that was my perception at the time. I also knew very few people who were gay. When I did meet them, there was a mystique to it. I was curious about them and drawn to them in a way I didn't understand at the time. I would keep my fantasies to myself, but there was still a pull to find out more. In a drunken state, I once "wandered" into a gay bar and freaked out and left when someone said hi. I sometimes replay that scene and wonder what would have happened if I had just let myself experience what I desired. I was so scared that if I took one step or if anyone found out I wouldn't be able to handle it. Anytime I allowed myself a little bit of acceptance of what this might be, I would rationalize it away as it didn't fit with how I saw my life. It is amazing to me how something can seem so clear when I am alone and then be completely rationalized away when it conflicts with my current life. Eventually, I just learned to accept there was something to this, but it would just be my secret. Something I wasn't sure I would ever share or act on. I ignored it for the most part. Just pretended it didn't really exist for a long time. I know there is nothing to be ashamed of, but I am still working through doubt and fear that has been reinforced my whole life. I'm trying to open my self up to who I really am and who I really want to be. It's tough, but it feels right. Reading posts here helps me get closer to my self. Hearing how others found their way and are finding their way is inspiring. I am curious how others got past these self-limiting beliefs?
I doubled up with being trans and bisexual but pretending to be cishet most of my life so I totally get where you're coming from. I know for me personally it had to get to a point where I was depressed for so long that I felt my options were explore who I was or off myself. I think the more you understand and express yourself in these safe spaces the more you build confidence and make baby steps towards self actualisation in the real world. I wasn't out at all when I first came on here and now I'm mostly out to my friends and family. You just have to pick what you can do now and use the positivity you find from others on here to get you to a point where you can come out to someone you trust and then you can build on the support you get from them to come out to more people, but there's no rush, take it at your own pace. We all deserve to be who we really are.
For me, I got sick, cancer. After completing treatment I decided life was just too short. I started planning, and am now living the life I was meant to live. It has been a six-year process, but I am finally totally out and happy. If I can do it, anyone can.
Thanks @Sammy1995. It helps to hear that. I am sorry to hear you had to go through a dark path, but it sounds like you are in a much better place.
@Vintage gay - thanks for sharing. I am always impressed with how people turn adversity into an opportunity to grow and be who they are meant to be.
Vintage gay its interesting's to note that a live threating circumstances lets us understand that you need to take every opportunity to be the true person you want to be I had a hart value replacement two years ago but only started transitioning in 2023
Like @Vintage gay, it began with a life threatening infection. Confronting your own mortality for a week followed by a further week in hospital recovering gives you a lot of time to think and reflect. I concluded my marriage was abusive and a sham and that I wasn't straight. A few months after I became separated from my wife, I created two dating profiles, one straight and one gay. The gay profile had a lot more interest, but there was one pretty girl who I began chatting with. Eventually, unprompted, she sent me a topless photo and it hit me. I didn't enjoy seeing it, realised I had no desire to see anything further down, and to start seeing her would be lying to myself all over again. I concluded I'm gay and it was time to face up to it. Like you, when I grew up, society wasn't as tolerant as it is now. In hindsight it's clear as day that teenage me essentially knew he was gay but didn't really understand. The combination of the lack of representation of non-camp masculine gay men like me, the villainisation of celebrity gay men who were dying or dead from AIDS, and a strong, conservative Christian message that marriage and sex (in that order!) was the "correct" way to live forced me to deny and repress my feelings. I'm only a few months into my journey and I'm out to only a few select friends. With each passing day, I've become more comfortable with who I am. A lot of the misconceptions I had growing up have fallen away along with repressed memories surfacing. Like @Sammy1995, joining EC has been a huge boost. There are so many people who have had similar experiences to me, and it brings huge comfort that I'm not alone in this, and I'm not the first to have ignored the obvious and tried to pass as straight for so long. Again like Sammy, I grew the confidence to come out to one of my closest friends because of this community. My situation is complicated and it'll be a while before I do come out to family, but I already really want to and know when the circumstances are right, I will. We're all here to learn from each other and we'll continue our journeys together.
It certainly brings a clarity to your life, and a realisation that today is all we have, and tomorrow is not a given. I should've tagged you in my post too!
Totally relate to the gay bar thing 1st time I went somebody said hi to me and I flipped out and left
@tearingtherose I appreciate the perspective. Our environment can be very powerful. You sound at ease now. I feel like I need to bring two different parts of me together to feel whole. Whatever that looks like?!
It was a long time ago for me, but I am starting to understand it better now. You can't judge yourself for the past as we are all just doing our best. Well you can, but it probably won't help much!
Oh, WonderQuest... Your message have made me remember a lot of things that I didn't forget (who could!), but I've left in the corners of my mind. I grew up in an oppresive environment too, and when my homosexuality "appeared" I thought it was only a phase, as when I was a child I had no male friends, I was so introverted, and I thought it was only my desire of being with them as friends. But, secretly, I sexually fantasized with them. It was confusing for me at the time. I had learnt an "straight lifestyle" for my future, but it didn't fit with those sudden and new feelings. I keep them by myself and never left any clue of them for the outside world. That lead me to an eternal fight between my inside world and my outside image. Due to familiar circumstances, I've always under the urge of being righteous, correct, polite... It's always been what I "had to do", what I "must do", not what I wanted. And I must no be gay. But I couldn't avoid it... as the desire grew stronger. When I had my first relationship with a guy, it was the first time for both of us, but I couldn't handle it because I had the opposition of part of my family, and I was scared to death about the reaction of the outside world. Because... as a gay boy, I was chosing the "wrong" path. Keeping a relationship as a secret slowly destroyed it. I'm in my thirties now, and I've only "been" with 3 guys throughout all my life. I've been always afraid of failing. First it was a "sin", then it was a "mistake", then a "risk"... and now, my sexuality is "an unknown path". But I have to walk. I need to. I have the right to live my life as I want to, and I don't want my sexuality to keep being a "tale" I tell to my friends, not an experience that I live. My limitations have been so many, that I don't know how to start... but I know it's the time. I'm tired of giving up as if it's too late for me, as I had lost the proper time to begin, as if I couldn't have a relationship. It's my life, and only mine.
@Altanero Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can relate to being who I thought I needed to be vs who I really wanted to be. I think for the most part I just assumed I needed to be straight. It was the only possibility I considered. I dated and enjoyed being with women, which is why I think Bi makes sense for me... still made it pretty confusing! I love your commitment to being yourself even through the unknown path.
I’ve always had some sort of attraction to other boys growing up but it wasn’t until my late teens that I realized I’m sexually attracted to other males. It wasn’t until I allowed myself to enjoy that attraction that it felt right and natural.
I couldn't even see myself in a romantic relationship with a man before I accepted to myself that I'm gay. It also didn't help that all examples of relationships I've ever seen on TV or read in books were heteronormative. Since starting to read gay literature, I find that I'm empathising and feeling for the gay relationships more than I ever did with the Romeo's and Juliet's.
Yes, it's unfair... We grew up without examples. I feel so happy for younger generations who have films, tv series, books... with gay relationships, not traumatic for being gay but for the topical struggles from teenage love. And there's still a lot to do in LGBTI fiction, yes... but now there's a good start. We didn't have that. I couldn't see myself with a guy when I was a teen, and when I had a boyfriend, i couldn't either believe that a real relationship could be real. I still think sometimes that love between a gay man and a straight male friend is impossible, even when almost all my friends are straight... I suppose those are prejudices almost impossible to delete...
I have one close straight female friend that knows everything, unfortunately she lives quite far away so I don’t get to see her all that often these days but it can happen. She knows I think she’s hot and she doesn’t care, quite early on in our friendship she said to me “just so you know, it’s never gonna happen, so don’t try” and actually it was something of a relief because I stopped thinking it might be a possibility and we got to be really good friends. I need to go and see her really, and see if she wants to have bridesmaid duty in around 18 months time.
I understand this... I've lived a similar experience with my best male friend. I told him my feelings for him and he made it clear that nothing would happen between us, but he didn't care about it, he wasn't upset. We still were close friends since then and have shared a lot of care and affection... but the limits are hard to reach for me. It's all a long way of learning, I suppose.
I guess it’s a bit different for girls. Hugging, dancing together or having your arm around their waist isn’t weird as it might be for two guys….
Yes, I agree with you. That's exactly what surprised me and confused me. It was the first guy who I could share so much physical closeness with and so many tender signs. Guys share those kind of exchanges (hugs, shaking hands...) but in more "controlled" situations and not as a sudden expression of affection.
