I don't understand how the hell you're supposed to know your gender identity. I made this thread a few weeks ago, its really long, I don't expect anyone to go read it all. Some of you may have seen it anyways so I'll just give a short(er) summary here. Growing up I would have said I was a boy, but I didn't think it was possible for me to be anything else. I didn't dislike being a boy. I had no desires to be a girl, in fact I avoided stuff if I thought it was for girls. There may have been some clues from my childhood though. I remember being a little weirded out the first time I heard about trans people, but I didn't think much of it. There was a time in middle school where I was curious about what it was like to be a woman. I wished I could try it. I even considered the possibility that I was one of those cross-dressers I had heard about (I didn't know the term transgender at the time), but I didn't think it was possible for me to be a woman so I just stopped thinking about it. Eventually I learned more about what gender is, but I still didn't think about my own. In my mind, being trans was something for other people. A couple of years ago my best friend/partner told me they are non-binary, and this is what kick-started all of my own gender confusion. Ever since then the possibility of me being trans feels so much more real, but I still don't feel like I can make any sense of it. What does it even mean to feel like one gender or another? Why have I started questioning now when I never had any doubts for the last 25 years? What made me so sure I was a boy/man all my life? I'm worried that I'm just in a confusing stage of life and maybe I'm just making it all up. Maybe this is just tied to my depression and anxiety in some weird way. I'm at the point where I think I'd consider myself non-binary, but I doubt myself all the time. The only person who knows about this is my friend I mentioned earlier, I didn't tell them I've also been considering that I may be a trans woman though. There have been times where I've admitted to myself that I'm trans or at least most likely trans. The thing is there are also times where I wonder why I'm even questioning my gender. It's like my brain is saying "Why am I even thinking about this, I'm a man." In those moments I feel ridiculous even considering that I'm anything but cis. It's almost like I just want to be trans or something. I'm so confused because I can go from being pretty certain I'm non-binary or trans one day to extreme doubt the next. There are some trans people who seem so confident in their identity. I'm really jealous of them even if it turns out I'm not trans. I feel like I'll never know for sure, but I'm getting so sick of the uncertainty. I'd like to talk to someone about this, but I barely have any friends, and I don't think I want to tell most of the ones I do have. There's no way my parents are finding out anytime soon, if ever lol. I'd like to feel more certain of myself before telling other people. I have pretty bad social anxiety and a fear of judgement. Lets say I do eventually realize I'm trans, if I want to transition I think my first step is to move somewhere far away. I don't think I'd have the courage to do it around people who already know me. I kind of want to get away from where I currently live anyways. I have no support network here, not when it comes to this at least. My family is very conservative and religious and they are incredibly judgemental of trans people. My dad especially loves to make the typical transphobic, conservative "jokes" about trans people. You know the ones, all two they have. Most of my friends here are old friends from high-school, and I went to Catholic school, so it's pretty much the same for them. I feel live I've been obsessing over this lately, but I haven't really been getting anywhere. I try to refrain from spamming the forum with posts that all say roughly the same thing, but I kind of feel like I've been going insane. Like I said I don't have any people in my life to talk about this with. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by all this lately, so it's just nice to have somewhere to get it all out I guess.
Do you have plans to move to a different area, different city? Have you gone to college, or do you plan on going to college? Maybe find work in a different city? If the place you live currently is stopping you from exploring your gender identity, maybe you can find a place in another city. I understand just packing up and moving is not the easiest thing anyone can do, but if you have education or career plans that will take you to a new city, maybe you could explore how to live away from some of the people who know you. Gender is an innate feeling. At least to me it was. I grew up in a small town, and by around 8-9 years old I wondered if any of the other girls had thoughts of wanting to be a boy. I assumed everyone did and they accepted the fact that they were the gender they were born and I had to do the same. It wasn't until after I graduated high school is when I really started exploring my gender identity; and in college when I started changing how I expressed myself. Fortunately, I have a very accepting family, and surprising, extended family considering most of them were raised in the same small town and area. If you imagine yourself as an older person, do you feel uncomfortable seeing an old man? Would you rather grow old as a woman? How do you feel when people refer to you as a man? Would you feel euphoria if you were seen as a woman? Transitioning is going to be a process that can take many years. If you're questioning, are you able to change your appearance/style subtly? Black nail polish, underwear, wearing more feminine clothes underneath your "male" clothes. As long as you have the ability to experiment with your gender expression, I think it will be much easier for you to figure out who you are. There are many posts on the forum as well to help you figure out your gender identity. You may also want to pick up You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Self-Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox.
I kinda get where you're coming from. When I seriously started to confront myself about my sexuality it was confounding. I felt like my true sexuality was fighting for control from the watered down persona of myself pretending to be straight. Another perplexing layer was understanding and differentiating my feelings for men and women. So just give yourself time to process all the complex intricacies and layers of your sexuality. You basically have to relearn how to make the metaphorical wheel. Life is chaotic and messy and people are no different. Accept the chaos and have fun figuring it out. There are no perfect answers and by working through it, you'll find a solution. Also try not to get too hung up on labels. They are not perfect terms, and that's why there are so many of them. Sexuality is a spectrum and you could be one specific thing or a combination of multiple things. Focus on who you are, rather than what you are. Additionally the spectrum is fluid and you can change throughout your life. Maybe you really were fine being a boy but now that you're older, it's changed. So primarily focus on who you are now instead of questioning everything you were. Sidebar note: around the age of 25 and 27 is when you go through the final two developmental stages of your brain. When I hit those 2 yr marks I definitely felt some changes going on up in my noodle and I have talked to peers who went through the same thing. Not sure if this info is relevant but it could be a piece of the pie.
I have been considering moving out to where my partner lives. It's a long way though, they go to school on the east coast and I'm in the Midwest. I don't even really know where to start with a move that big. It's a bit overwhelming just to think about. I do have a degree, but I don't have a job in my field. I graduated in 2020 which was a pretty shit year to graduate. Now it's been a few years since I've even touched anything to do with my degree, so I don't know how easy it would be for me to find a job that uses it. I'm not even really sure if that's what I want to do anymore. It's embarrassing to admit, but I've never really had a plan. I don't know if I have some innate sense of my gender. I think I'm kind of out of touch with my feelings. I'm not sure I ever had those kinds of thoughts growing up. That time in middle-school was the first time I remember wanting to be a girl, even then it was just for a day or two. Like you I assumed everyone was at least a little curious. So at the time my thinking was "Oh well, nothing I can do about it" and I just moved on, maybe very occasionally thinking about it afterwards. I think I do feel a little uncomfortable seeing an old man. In general the idea of growing old is scary, but imagining myself as an old woman maybe makes it a little more tolerable. When I was a kid I used to imagine what I would be like as an adult. I didn't think of myself as a woman. I imagined a man, but it always felt a little off, like it wasn't quite me. Back then I just chalked it up to not being able to see the future, so how could I know what I'd be like. Now I'm starting to wonder if that is maybe indicative of something. I don't think being referred to as a man bothers me too much, but I try to avoid it myself. I understand why people do see me as a man, I can't really imagine anyone seeing me as a woman. I know it will can be a long process, and that worries me. Transitioning seems like it will only get harder as time goes on. I know I shouldn't feel rushed, but if I am trans I feel like the sooner I start, the better. I live in the same town as my parents, but I did move into my own apartment about half a year ago. I've painted my nails and worn some women's clothes in the privacy of my own home, but I think if I tried any of that in public I'd have a panic attack lol. Thank you for the suggestions, I'll check out that book!
Hi I’m loving reading your stories, I’m new to EC I’m so happy for all you girls and would just love to have your courage. I think of myself as a CD. I love the feeling of being feminine and I love dressing as a woman. Most evenings I’ll be relaxing in a dress or skirt/blouse. The feeling of being a girl has always been there but I’ve never had the courage to go further than the house. When I was little I used to try on my sister’s cloths and just loved the feeling, I could see myself as a girl. The softness of their cloths, the girly mannerisms, their friendliness to each other. I was a boy but really didn’t want to be. Unfortunately I lived in a family and time that didn’t approve of such things. So my girly feelings and feelings towards boys I kept very secret and acted accordingly. There wasn’t support groups then where I could talk to others. Recently I have come out and finally self accepted I’m gay, I was honest to myself and to my wife (who is fantastic and very supportive). I ask myself what my gender identity is? I think of myself as a CD or maybe TV. Labels that confuse the hell out of me! Because I do love to feel like a woman maybe I am Transsexual? Hawk as a question ‘could you see yourself growing old as a woman and would it would be euphoric to be seen as a woman. I would say yes. Although I’m still unsure if I would be able to live now as a woman later in life. Loving EC chat soon x
