Feeling despondent

I am going through a rough time too. I stayed in the closet for many years, I wanted to live a "normal" life but I knew I was gay. I finally decided it was time to live a life that matched my feelings. I felt optimistic, excited and happy about the change I envisioned. Now like you, I am completely disillusioned with the same sex. I still feel there may be someone out there who would be a good match for me, but I figure that woman would be in 1 : 100 or maybe 1: 1,000! Absolute disgust - that is how I would describe the feeling that women inspire in me.
It amazes me that I can feel this way, since my nature is to be loving and affectionate but no woman I have met has done anything to encourage me or make it easy for me. My feelings have run the gamut starting with rejection (which I still feel), depression and anger.
My experiences are as bad as any other on this forum, and that is something I am not proud of, but may it will help you to know you are not alone. This forum has helped me in a way that the other women cannot and do not, and it will help you too. Giving you hugs.

 

Hey, I can relate to this. I think there is something in gay "culture" that just doesn't seem to accept the traditional idea of two men being together without anyone else being involved. The emphasis on sex and beautify and the dumb power dynamics that come with it upsets me sometimes I'll be honest. Being gay seems to be more about kinks and sleeping with as many people as you can and about who's top and who's bottom and not so much about who's compatible with you in terms of personality and life goals etc. I'm sorry you feel the way you do but believe me you're not alone.

 

I'm sorry to hear you went through a breakup, but major kudos to you for sticking up for yourself and getting out of a toxic relationship. I have had similar experiences with dating. Turns out they were either manipulative and hiding their true colors or it's all about sex. You may have to be more brutally up front and blunt to get your message across. I'm not sure if you thought of this yet, but there may be divorced bisexual men out there who have kids that might want to date you.

One trick I picked up on to sus out someone who is toxic or manipulative, is to observe how they react when you adamantly and truthfully tell them No over something small. Don't budge an inch and If they freak out or get aggressive, then you have your answer. There is some nuance to it but you get my drift.

 

Ok, A few things....

I know it can be very hard to find that one true lover, its hard for everyone. My grandpa when I was little he told me this "If you wanna see that true personality that's hiding deep in a person, you need to be around them when they hurt themselves, pretend your lover is building something and they smash their finger by a hammer, and they go crazy, screaming, yelling, they are full of rage, then one day that's gonna be how the act towards you. If they start crying, drop to the floor and they are not going mad crazy, then that is the person you want to be around, because they won't put all of their anger all over you" Hopefully that makes sense.

I also know what its like to be so hopeful and then get your walls broken down, it hurts.... but in my opinion, I don't think you should give up or be fed up, there is always a person out there for you, and I mean always, when I lost my boyfriend at age 17, I was devastated, I waited a year, still couldn't find that true person, most were rude, cruel, and hostile towards me. I just gave up wanting a relationship so I stopped dating, now that I'm 20 almost 21 I've realized, "Why should I just give up trying to find a relationship, because those people I dated wanted my body, and were so abusive? Not everyone is like that and I shouldn't hurt myself, just because of those people I dated tore down my walls and tried to hurt me" I realized that in May 12, 2023. (hopefully that makes sense)

I also know what its like to want a family, I dated Cayden (The one who died when I was 17) since I was like 14, over the years we planned our whole future. We were gonna adopted 3 children, we wanted 2 boys and 1 girl. We also knew what house we were gonna get, it was a house in the woods, 4 bedrooms and 2 and 1/2 bathrooms, with a office room and a basement, it was a old house, needed some love. He was also waiting until I turned 18 so we could get married. We had our whole life planned out. Sure we were young, but we knew and I knew him. When he died, I was broken. My whole life fell apart, I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings, didn't let anyone in, it made me more and more hurt...

What I'm trying to say is that you don't need a female to help you build a family if you want a family, there are over 147 million kids in the world that don't have a family who would love a family. It can be very hard to give up on trying to find the true one, but you should never give up. I know it can be scary, hard, or whatever you wanna use.

You are never alone, we are here for you!

 

There are a couple of different things here. One, it seems that you are finding that most of the gay men you encounter are not looking for a monogamous relationship. That's not my experience, but my guess is we move in very different circles, probably in large part due to the fact that my husband and I have been together for 25 years at this point. I think from my informal sample (I've been out for a LONG time but I certainly haven't met all gay guys--LOL) that probably significantly more than half of gay guys want that--not all of those people are ready for it, but that's another matter. The problem is that much less than that portion of the dating pool is going to be those guys--because those guys leave the pool for years or even decades at a time, whereas the other guys are pretty much always there.

I would think your best bet to find those guys amongst those who have made different decisions, would be through coupled guys. My best advice to anyone who struggles with dating after coming out is to just focus on meeting gay people you don't want to date--meet couples, meet people who aren't your type, meet lesbians; meet friends, and then ask them. I'm not dating, but I know who's divorced and widowered. I know at least a couple guys who despite being my age or close to it have just never met quite the right guy; I know a couple more who have finally done the work and pulled their sh*t together and are ready for that. And a lot of other married gay guys will know this too, because when you're not dating you get to actually have friends.

Then I would say go on dates, not to find someone but to have a nice evening. Unless you're just looking for anyone who will have you, you're going to have to meet, and possibly date, a lot of people to find them so settle in and try to enjoy it. I dated for about 5 years when I was younger and I remember it as a wonderful time full of amazing dates with wonderful men who weren't the one. And then I met my husband, and I didn't date any more. But I probably went out on a date or two with at least a hundred guys in that period and chatted up a ton more that I decided not to go on a first date with. I think about how many straight women my father had met by the time he met my mother, and he was her eighth proposal, so you know she was working it.

Secondly, I'm wondering if you mean you want to have kids. If so, that's going to limit the pool further, frankly. I know plenty of gay guys who have children--some from previous marriages (I'm pretty old) and some with their husband through adoption or surrogacy. It can be done; it's done all the time, but it makes that guy you're looking for even more special. Many of my gay married friends don't have children and don't want them and I think it is more common for gay couples to opt out of parenthood than it is for straight couples.

So, in short (too late) get out there and meet people and date people to have fun. If you aren't having fun how is someone without a lot of issues who is looking to share his life with someone going to know that your life is worth sharing?

 

Surely they can’t sack you for being gay and having kids with a surrogate can they? What country are you in?

Also, can you go into more detail about how you’re planning on having biological children with a guy (trans man maybe?) or do you mean if you and your future gay partner decide you want kids, you’ll use an egg donor & surrogate, but in that case the kid will only be related to one of you (not that I think that matters).

I know what you mean about the gay scene too, I can imagine it’s probably even worse with men. I had so much drama in the past meeting lesbians, there were lots of people with lots of unresolved issues. As I was only really interested in friendship w/ benefits, I ended up having more luck with straight/questioning women.

 

You made some great points, Meowz. I second it. But I have one small point to add to this discussion. I think that all gay people go through heartache and sorrow at times, perhaps more than straight people do. When I have a problem with my gay lovelife, I have noticed that the sadness is magnified because I am not out to everyone so can't discuss it with them like I could if for example I was breaking up with a boyfriend. Straight people can't give me advice or help because I am not out. My family and relatives do not know I'm gay and I don't tell anyone that I think will tell my family. That is another issue that we have to deal with. I talk to a counselor once a week and that helps. And this forum helps me a lot too. I'm not sure what you guys think of me (you don't have to tell me) but there is a great group of people on here to help us talk out our problems.