Hey everyone, it's me Meowz. To be honest... I need some help, and I don't know how to say this or type this since I just joined here and I'm not sure I fully trust anyone on here but, I have a relationship problems well a Whole lot of relationship problems but right now we are going to focus on one I have this person in my life, he is the most wonderful guy in the whole world, he makes me really really really happy, but lately he has been making me very very very sad, insecure, and I don't know, confused. I met him on another gay chat site (Hopefully that's ok to say) - He helped me with ALOT on there, so we eventually traded socials after we knew each other for like a year or so. Our chats started off great, he was so sweet, generous, he was flirting with me. I mean we were hitting it off very very well, after a month or so I (Excuse my language) fucked up, I said something I shouldn't have and he got very mad (I mean I didn't say anything rude or anything to offend him, I just said something wrong) so he ignored me for about 1 week, and I feel like the only reason he actually messaged me back is because I found him on the other gay chat and he said we would talk about it later. So after we figured everything out, it just went completely down hill from there, he stopped flirting with me, kept on saying I was annoying him, and eventually I made him so mad he talked in all caps and it kinda triggered me alot, I mean I started crying, and everything because all I was doing pretty much was saying sorry (According to him I say sorry way to much and it annoys him) So once again we kinda cut our talking time from each other and took time away from each other, which hurt even more. So about a month or two later he is like "Why do I make you feel like you have to say sorry all of the time, its really annoying why do you do that!" and I'm like "Why are you being so rude to me lately!? Your actually acting like a Mr tough guy, and like you don't care about my freaking feelings!" and he is like "Maybe if you think that which I don't know why you do, we should take time off" and I'm like "No!! All we do is take time off we never talk and I do not want to lose you s a friend, and you've changed so much it freaking hurts!" So he is like "Alright then lets talk it out" so we do and everything is fine again and we are flirting, calling each other cute nicknames.. but to me he still feels different So.. About 3 months later he disappears and I think he is ghosting me so I spam his messages "What did i do this time!? I don't know what I did, please stop ignoring me, I'm sorry I'm sorry!!" Still no answer so about 4 days later he responds and is like "I wasn't ignoring you I was away for the weekend and it was good to be away" so then he pours his heart out into all of he details about the trip but I'm kinda just like but.. You usually tell me when you are going to be away.. so I say "I'm sorry for spamming your messages, go live your life, I'm sorry" and about an hour later he comes back and is like "Be for real, alright bro, we are DONE" and he unfriends me blocks me on everything and I'm just like What what what! What did I do, I just said go live your life, so about a week or two later he unblock me and I hit him up and is like "Do you hate my guts" he is like "No I don't hate your guts" and I'm like "I'm sorry... Do you think I'm annoying and that I seek attention to you and everything" and he says "Yep, but can you change, if you can change we can be friends again" and I'm like "Yes I can change I guess" and he is like "Ok then we can be friends again" So now he is still acting so different and every time I ask him if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm annoying him he will be like "Yes you are but I will tell you when I've had enough" and I'm just like (In my mind) if you hate me so much why do you even bother being my friend I mean I fucked (Sorry about my language) up once and the rest is you hating on my guts I just don't know what to do! I feel like I don't need him in my life, but at the same time I really NEED him, he means the world to me and it seems like I don't mean a darn thing to him, and I do not want to lose him because he is special to me but at the same time I just want to see if I do push him out of my life will he tell me he needs me.
Hi Meowz, this definitely sounds like how I was with my relationship prior to my current partner. It was very toxic and we didn’t want to lose him but my friends helped me recognize what was eventually going on thankfully early enough too that I could more or less get away. I recognize that you said you don’t want to lose him cause he is special, but based on everything you’ve explained I think you should really consider cutting ties with him. A good partner helps you grow, maybe helps you realize things about yourself you didn’t know, and overall just doesn’t have you questioning yourself. This guy seems to be doing all the opposite. It’s ok if a guy jokingly teases you about things (and it’s genuinely joking) but he seems to be just criticizing you endlessly and making you feel horrible about yourself. I know we don’t know each other personally but I say this as someone with experience of being in a toxic relationship, you would be better to end things before they actually get serious than continue and hoping things get better. They won’t. People like him only know one thing and that’s how to control others. Hopefully he can get help some day, but for now you need to do what’s best for you by ending it.
In the past I was an open book and loved to share my life with everyone I met, was friends with, or in a relationship at the time. There was nothing wrong with that, but I ended up overwhelming everyone in my life with love and kindness. It was too much for people to handle. Later a friend blew up on me and gave me a stern lecture. She said most people were not as direct as I was and educated me on respecting boundaries. It was a new concept to me, and I realized I was overthinking things and overcompensating to create a productive social life. Our experiences are not totally the same but I believe they are in the broad ballpark area. So take what I say with a grain of salt. I also learned people hate it when you apologize no matter how much or little you say it. People like to see the solace you express in your actions rather than your words. Screwing up or making mistakes is never fun. The best thing to do, is to own up to it first before apologizing. They may not like it or ever forget it, but they will respect you and you both can move on. I also learned it's better not to jump to conclusions when communicating through messages or online, because a lot of context can get lost in translation. It's better to wait and send one message to ask for more clarity or context. I have been guilty many many times of spam messaging and calling people in the past. It may take time and there may be some strange reason they couldn't get back to you. Like your boyfriend being on vacation and forgetting to tell you. There was one time I spammed called a friend, because we were going to talk about making plans the next day to hang out. Turns out he was on a date and I kinda ruined it. So I learned one call or one message is all that is necessary. If they respond they respond. If they don't then move on and don't put your life on hold. Stuff happens. Life is weird and crazy. So my advice is to focus on the quality of your conversations instead of quantity. The same thing can be said for love. Show someone you love them through your actions to back up your talk. If your boyfriend says he needs space or you sense it, then respect that boundary. I know it will kill you inside, because it feels better to fix and address the issue in the moment, but not everyone is like that. If you apologize, then only one I'm sorry is sufficient. Hopefully this helps you and have a great day.
Yes, sometimes it is a very toxic relationship, but sometimes he is the sweetest guy I have ever met. He puts a smile to my face - but then he gets in his mood were he just makes me hate myself and I start thinking he hates me... I've tried to let him go once but crawled right back to him because I remembered all of the good times we had together, but lately I've been wondering... What if its just me over thinking, I'm just so confused!
Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets! I can't but help thinking that the relationship might not meant to be. Reading through what you have shared thus far, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I am wondering, when you are with him, how do you feel about yourself? More generally, do you feel that you have a sense of worthiness? If you were asked, describe your relationship in one phrase, what is the first phrase that comes to mind?
Hopefully this is a phrase, super tired right now and the brain isn't thinking We always manage to get through our fights together, even though we fight often. But there are times when it feels like we still haven't. I guess it all depends on his mood that day, but lately he has had the same mood. Not wanting to talk to me, annoyed, upset, mad...
It sounds like it might be good to consider a break and to have some space to evaluate your relationship with a bit of distance. I think one question to answer for yourself is, is your relationship a healthy one? In some respects, you have started to answer it. You have described your relationship using words, phrases such as 'toxic,' 'we fight often,' 'he just makes me hate myself,' 'not wanting to talk to me.' Something to think about.
Yeah. I know - Its just going to be really hard on letting him go, and then my thoughts get into, what if I stayed with him a little longer, what if he is just going through something and doesn't know how to explain it, what if he isn't actually trying to be rude, like what @Chillton said in his paragraph above "I also learned it's better not to jump to conclusions when communicating through messages or online, because a lot of context can get lost in translation. It's better to wait and send one message to ask for more clarity or context." Maybe I'm just taking it the wrong way, its just so confusing.
At the end of the day, you are the only one that can approach the relationship in the way that you feel is best for you. You have certainly things to think about and perhaps also things where you might want to have a conversation and say how the relationship makes you feel. Have you had a deeper in person conversation with him about your relationship, laying things out for him to understand how you feel?
Yeah, I got alot to think about. We haven't had a deep in person conversation in a while since he lives like 17 hours away from me, but hopefully we will have one soon - we had a chat today, and he seemed calmer, so we called and did a video chat, and he was really calm, he didn't seem annoyed at me at all - Until he got a call from his work, it made him really annoyed and so he hung up on me and had to go to work. Hopefully we will have an in person chat soon and talk about the stuff that's going inside my mind
Just in reading more, here's my concern Meowz, I appreciate you said he makes you feel very happy when not fighting but given how often this appears to happen, it can be...concerning. Unfortunately toxic/abusive relationships can do this in a cycle, you'll be very happy, then you'll get in a fight about something, you'll feel horrible after but then he does something that makes you feel happy again and then the cycle continues anew. I'm mostly concerned as I just want you to be careful. My own awful relationship I went through was similar, I'd feel happy at times but then he'd say things to make me question myself, but then surprise me with something nice to sort of "erase the bad" as it were, but then the bad would happen again. When it came to a head I was lucky, I was away from town and he said some hurtful things via text message after I passed out while talking (it was after midnight and I had had a very long day of Disney ), when I shared it with two very close friends they were able to help me see the emotional/mental abuse i was facing and the trip away helped me find a solution while away from said person. All I'm saying is just maybe take a sit down, look at what things have been happening in this relationship and maybe it'll help you determine what's best, while also listening to the advice here AND if you have it, advice from friends too.
