Married with Kids

Hey welcome to EC. You will definitely find people who are or have been in the same position you are.

 

I don't really have much to add, but I wish you all the best. What a dilemma to be in, I have a lot of sympathy for you. X

 

Welcome to Empty Closets. I don't have anything to add either, I just wanted to say hi and let you know you're in the right place to talk about your situation. You are among friends here.

 

I kinda feel the same thing as you

 

Unfortunately starting to acknowledge your homosexuality is not the easiest thing in the world to do. No one wants to intentionally hurt those they love however in this case it is unavoidable. You cannot provide her with what she needs nor can she you. Being miserable the rest of your lives is no way for either of you to live. The path ahead will be challenging and life changing but in the end living authentically as a gay man will be well worth the sacrifices. EC is an excellent support tool as you transition to your true sexuality.

 

Jeffel, no question it is a tough situation you find yourself in. No questions coming to terms with your homosexuality presents significant problems for both partners. It’s life changing for both partners and not easy for either. I can only tell you you only have one life to live. You owe it to both of you to allow each to move on and find fulfillment as you need.

 

It is unfortunate that our heteronormative brain washing short circuits our same sex desire and we struggle to conform to hetero narrative that a wife and family is the gold standard. For me it never seemed right. I felt like I was an actor in a play and it was not the real me. We bury our homosexuality so deep that we can fool ourselves but only for a time. When our true gay sexuality emerges it’s like a dam braking and there is no way to hold back the swell of emotional and physical sensations. At that point it becomes impossible to continue to live a lie nor do we want to. The desire to live as a gay man invades every aspect of our lives. It builds until the only real choice is break away embrace our homosexuality and move on. By no means is this easy or without pain for everyone involved however it is the only choice that makes sense. I can only relate my experiences and despite the initial pain and problems it was the best decision I ever made. Being free to be with another man has added so much depth, pleasure, emotional satisfaction, sexual fulfillment , and nuisance to my life I had previously never experienced.

 

I am going through basically the same thing. I was completely in the closet for years. During that time, I led a straight life.
It seemed normal at the time but I never forgot my attraction to women. It was my secret that I didn't reveal.
While in the closet I dated men (I did have some attraction to them). I met a wonderful man who is perfect for me.
But our sex life was a problem. A few years ago a woman came out to me in an airport of all places. I realized that if
I wasn't with my husband I would have let her pick me up. That's when it hit me - I realized I wanted to live a lesbian lifestyle.
It is what I've wanted all along. Now we give each other emotional support and I don't want to hurt him, but I am not content
in this marriage any more. Meanwhile, he has figured out that I am gay, and is encouraging me to try it as an experiment!
But I don't want an experiment I want a real relationship. It's hard to get women to take me seriously. Some turn me down
as soon as they find out I'm married. Married women can be gay too! They think I am just looking for something on the side.
That's not how I feel. How is this going to turn out? Stay tuned. I honestly don't know. Thankfully I have no children.

 

Jeffel,
I have kids and now a grandchild and struggled with this also. I was raised to be the strong man and take care of the family. I always put my happiness and sexuality last. I hope you can find a balance soon and not be locked in the closet wishing for something before it's too late. Enjoy life.

 

Hi there. I know exactly what you mean. After over 30 years of marriage, the dam has finally broken for me. I want so much to live as a gay man and I am taking steps to do so.

 

It’s an incredibly liberating experience to finally and totally live as a gay man. Life opens up many possibilities we only dreamed and fantasized about. Being able to openly declare we are gay to world is a very heady feeling.

 

I can somewhat relate Jeffel. I recently came out to my wife as well. I am 40 now with two kids, my wife and I have been together since we were 18 years old. She’s been supportive through it all and we are doing our best to make it work for the kids sake. We even tried an open marriage which was a disaster. So now we are pretty much just staying together for the kids. We are no longer intimate, still live together, but still remain great friends. Trying to focus on making myself better person and my goals in the meantime.

No matter what you do in life she will get hurt in some way or form. The longer you wait the less chance she can potentially find someone she can grow old with. If you guys are best friends I am a strong believer that you guys can work it out (together or apart). There’s never a day that I regret telling my wife about who I really am, no matter how hard it’s been. In that sense I am lucky, because my wife has my back no matter what. I hope the same for you. Best of luck Jeffel!

 

Sounds like you're in a good place right now. How old are your kids? Have you talked about what happens when the kids have grown up?

Out of interest, what was disastrous about the 'open marriage' thing?

 

Jeffel: just something to think about. You can leave your wife without disclosing your sexuality. Coming out and immediately getting divorced is just too much for some people. Take it one step at a time. Think through what a divorce would look like, child custody, division of assets, that sort of thing. Do your best to keep things amicable. Once that has been accomplished, move on to coming out. Your sexuality will not color the terms of your divorce. I left my wife, moved away, and lived my life. It's been five years and with the help of EC I'm just now getting ready to tell my ex-wife and kids that I'm gay. Good luck, keep us posted.

 

I still think some counseling would be helpful.