Hi, I’ve been questioning my sexuality on and off for around 5 years now. With various peaks and troughs mentally over the course of that time. It has been a very hard period especially the last 2 years as that has come at a time where I have been in long term relationships with women. For abit of background, I always remember as a kid, up until 16 having strong crushes on girls. I remember my first erection over boobs on tv, I remember staring at the nude magazines when my mum took me to the shop as a kid. All that stuff, up until my first sexual experience was my idea of my sexuality. Unfortunately for me, during my first “attempt”, I was unable to perform. I was slightly drunk at this point which I look back on as the reason why it happened. But the mental toll this event took on me I feel set the tone for the 5 years to follow. The girl this was with I had a crush on throughout school and always tried to flirt with her when possible. Had enjoyed passionately kissing with her for a while before attempting to engage in intercourse. Following this event, I was completely numb, my entire life felt like it had been a lie. I convinced myself at this point (with the help of people picking on me) that because I couldn’t perform that I was gay. This prompted probably a month long period where I was Googling and trying to find an answer for what had happened to me. I became celibate following this as I didn’t want to put myself through it again because of the embarrassment. Around 3 months later, I plucked up the courage and got a girl round. Again riddled with anxiety after kissing with her leading to the act of sex, I couldn’t get it up. She asked me to wear a condom and because of my embarrassment when getting it out the wrapper I popped a hole in it so I had an excuse to stop. Later to my surprise I found myself absolutely rock hard (sorry for the tmi) and we again tried to have sex, but she was a virgin so she wasn’t able to fully relax and it didn’t work. But I felt good in the fact that I had got one in front of a girl. But because I didn’t have full sex that day, I didn’t really feel over the mental hurdle I’d placed on myself so continued questioning my sexuality based on this. In this period of time I don’t recall feeling any strong feelings towards men. I used porn as my escape, this was how I felt “myself” I watched it too much and became reliant on it, which still unfortunately happens to this day (I am an addict I think). I used it to reaffirm to myself that I fancied girls, also tried watching gay porn but was not interesting or aroused. But again I was using this as a way to reaffirm my “straightness” to myself. Once I started sixth form things were different, I started getting more attention then I had ever gotten. But because I was so full of self doubt and didn’t see myself how others maybe might have, I never acted upon this until I met my first girlfriend. She messed with my emotions a lot during the early days which led to many sad nights crying, but I really liked her and was drawn to her at a house party. This emotional battle lasted around a year before she finally gave me a chance, but again the first time she came round I became so overwhelmed with anxiety that I threw up. This just became a constant battle over time, I couldn’t shake the anxiety of it and it just kept those feelings of questioning there. I used to get what I’d call intrusive thoughts of me having sex with men during this time as they were very graphic and happened just engaging in normal conversations with friends. It didn’t arouse me but it as you can imagine further added to my confused mind. It’s really been a tough 5 year period, and it feels never ending. I am obsessed with figuring it out, I cannot go a day without searching or checking to see if something will give me a definitive answer. I was fortunate enough to come across this community and wanted to share my story. I have since this time had sex with girls, which has led my confusion to being much less strong and only peaking if I have another dysfunction moment. I am also extremely prone, when I read things online, to ignoring the positive rational posts, to instead focus on the negative troll comments on other peoples struggles. I have loads more unfortunate trauma from over the last 5 years of trying to figure myself out, but I just feel close to breaking point of just giving up because I just cannot shake the doubt and confusion. I imagine it comes from internalised homophobia, I did come out as bisexual at one stage to my first long term girlfriend but it didn’t feel right because ultimately I have never had a crush on a man, I can appreciate a man for being attractive but it’s never felt or been more than that even tho this day. Please fire questions at me as this is weighing down on me everyday at the minute and it’ll be nice to try get some help
Nothing in your post indicates to me that you’re’ gay or even bi. I see lots of natural attraction and arousal to women, and none to men. I do see a lot of anxiety and maybe low self esteem but that doesn’t’ mean you’re gay. I was in denial about being gay for years, and I know what denial looks like in myself and in people here who are on the way to accepting their sexuality, again, nothing in your posts indicates denial to me, what you can work on maybe through therapy and other means is anxiety and self confidence,
I appreciate your reply. I definitely have struggled with anxiety and self confidence for a good chunk of my young life. I suffered from body dysmorphia for large parts of my childhood due to comments made by other kids as I have always been very “lanky”. I did try therapy about it all but my therapist wasn’t exactly a specialist in the area of my concern so it didn’t really help. I am very open minded about it all, I have never struggled to reach out for help, have LGBTQ friends and colleagues so have the support network in place. I just stumbled across this forum in one of my obsessive episodes where I was attempting to seek clarity for myself on something only I really know the true answer to. I feel my situation is based a lot on irrationality, not allowing myself to understand myself because I believe someone else has the answer to my issues. It’s like because of my past, where other people’s words meant more to me then my own, I still relish that now. So even when my body tells me things, I would ignore it in favour of an online opinion. This forum seems like a very safe place for me to be during this period of finding peace within, what the outcome of that is I don’t really care as like I say I have a good support network. I’m just really sick of one second feeling straight then the next minute it’s like that never happened and I’m almost asexual because of the anxiety. I have a lot to unpack, so you’re definitely right in your last point.
Performance anxiety is the real deal for sure. My first boyfriend when I was 16 had troubles in that department. He was always rock solid for foreplay but sometimes lost it when going for sex. I think condoms were a big part of the problem, but he started taking those little blue pills and I think became reliant on them, maybe just mentally. I think that's maybe more like your issue than something relating to sexuality. Just thinking there might be a problem and getting that thought stuck in your head, then it kinda prompts there to be a problem. I agree with what Searching wrote - you don't sound gay or even bi really. The fact you've had sex with girls and enjoyed it, and don't really sound like you have much desire to do anything with a guy makes this pretty straightforward, to me at least.
Really appreciate your reply too. I am just a very complex guy. It is very rooted in self doubt and anxiety for sure, I have just struggled to shake it. With my current girlfriend it seemed to be shook, but then she moved across the world starting long distance and since she has been gone I have just fallen back into the loop. I have quite a severe porn addiction, and since losing her I have relied heavily on that for release. I feel a lot shame afterwards because I know how badly it has affected me in the past, i feel it affected my sexual experience previously due to my brain become desensitised along with my tight grip technique. This often led to a struggle to ejaculate and my questioning took off again when reading that’s what a lot of people suffer from if they are questioning. My therapist told me to stop doing things like finding things online (irony with me being on here now) but my brain has a funny way of working where I simply cannot focus on anything else until I have an answer. Thankfully a lot of open minded people on here who talk through issues with their own experience with the intention of helping rather than intending to troll people who want guidance. Again thank you for your message
I think a lot of guys have a porn obsession/addiction, I've read about it on here so many times. I've said it before and no doubt I'll say it again, the human brain isn't wired to deal with seeing intense sexual stimuli all the time. Sexual energy is meant to drive people to procreate and do things that make them attractive to the opposite sex in order to get the opportunity to procreate. That's our basic biology but technology lets us use it in a way it was never designed to be and I think it causes problems for a lot of people. Maybe you should try and rein it in for a while, maybe even stop masturbating all together for a while and see if it gives you a different kind of relief? I've never really had a problem with porn but I very rarely watch it on my own anymore, I found I could waste an hour or two but the satisfaction never lasted in the way it does when you're with someone else. I started weight training instead and after a good session at the gym I would never have trouble going to sleep. Maybe you should try replacing the porn with something productive to take up that time instead?
This is excellent advice This often leads to intimacy problems in real life you have some great advice from @JT1999 and, with.the exception of empty closets your therapist gave some great advice too. Start reading no stories of people who overcame the shyness and anxiety -it can be done!
Just wanted to add, it wasn't a specific choice to start weight training for that reason. I've always been athletic but skinny, and I wanted to look better and feel better. Its just that buzz you get from a heavy weights session kinda drains that sexual energy for a few hours, so I'd get in from the gym and if I was on my own, I just wouldn't really get those urges so much. And also, gym, shower, more & better food that requires more prep just ate into the time that I would otherwise have free. What is that saying, idle hands are the devil's playground or something like that? The more time you're busy with positive stuff, the less you'll think about getting yourself off.
I have never been addicted to porn - don't enjoy it much at all, but I have my problems which are similar. I don't masturbate excessively either ( sorry for TMI) but I always use fantasy when I do, which is like porn. The result is I can't enjoy sex without using fantasy and that's the problem - when I am with someone I cannot get into my fantasy, I guess I am too distracted. So sex for me does not work. Is my brain desensitized with fantasy as Tiger was saying his is with porn? No man can please me and because of all my problems (which I have discussed elsewhere on this forum) I will probably never be pleased with a woman either, even though I know I am gay. Not much to look forward to, unless I can change something. One final problem: I am now so discouraged with the whole sex scene that I don't even masturbate anymore! I guess I have castrated myself, or the equivalent, mentally. I need to talk to a sex therapist, and a surrogate sex partner might be good, but I can't afford it. My husband wants me to try sex with a woman but I believe I would not respond in a casual sex encounter. I would like to have a relationship which my husband would probably find threatening but right now have no woman in my life anyway.
Does sex feel good even if you don't get off? Or is there no pleasure at all? Do you drink, if so does it make any difference if you've had a few drinks (or more than a few)?
Alcohol and anxiety can both be major factors that inhibit capacity for erection. Nothing the OP has written would remotely suggest any indication of same sx attrction. This is ananxiety problem, probbly exacerbated by alcohol.
Thanks for trying to help with my problem. I don't get much pleasure from sex. My body gets some physical response but mentally, it doesn't "feel" sexy. I get turned on with kissing, cuddling, even just talking about sex but the actual act does nothing for me. If I am turned on to begin with, I can feel myself cool off during the act of intercourse, for example. Alcohol does not help it, it just makes me more likely to start a sexual act, I am more uninhibited, but if anything my actual sexual response is even less, it's impaired, when I have drank. I am definitely more attracted to women, that might be the problem. I have read here how gay guys have trouble having sex with women. I think I am the female equivalent. I can't find a suitable female partner. Most are bisexual and want me to do a threesome with a man. Either that or they are cold and/or unattractive. Not that I am looking for someone beautiful but like everyone I do have my standards. I have already given up on love, although I am capable of it, and now I think I will have to give up on sex. It seems a waste because I am a sexual person and I am not too hard to look at.
