Hi, I’m new here and really need some advice..My situation is in no way unique, so please bear with me even if you think you’ve heard it a million times already.. I will be grateful So, the short version - I have liked my own gender since middle school, but I was also attracted to boys. As we all, I was heavily influenced by heteronormativity standards and therefore disregarded my attraction to girls. I married a man and was relatively happy, we divorced five years ago, because he found someone else. I had some flings with women throughout my life, but I never thought of a possibility of actually having a relationship with them. Now to my actual question - six months ago I accidentally met a girl - she is 10 years younger and I honestly believed it would be just a casual “meet once a week” type of thing. But somehow it grew into an actual relationship and I am freaking out. I’m not ready to admit I’m in a relationship with a woman, I can’t imagine telling it to my children, to my family, coworkers. I just can’t. My ex husband would definitely use it against me in the custody battle, I know that. I have explained all this to her, she understands for now, because she is not completely out herself. But what will happen in the future? She will eventually want to live together, to have a family..I’m not saying I don’t want that, but I feel like I can’t. Something in me says no. I honestly don’t know what to do, because she is perfect and I love her, but it looks like it’s just a matter of time before I f…. it all up. I am already sabotaging our relationship by picking unnecessary fights and being unavailable. She is so patient with me and I feel awful..It’s her first serious relationship and I feel like I’m taking advantage of her..What’s going on with me? Why can’t I simply accept that this is who I am and be happy?
Hi! From the little you've said about your new partner, she sounds great and if you love her, then you need to make her the priority. Being able to identify that 'self-sabotaging' behaviour is a good start. Out of interest, how old are you and how old is your partner? If you're 30 and she's 20 thats more of a bigger deal than if you're 40 and she's 30. I say this as someone who is in a 6-year relationship with a partner who is 10 years older - the age/experience gap can be an issue but not insurmountable. I think in my case I caught up slowly over time and now it isn't an issue. Can't really help much with the 'coming out' thing, as I've not been through that in the same sort of way you have, with kids and an ex etc. No doubt that will complicate things. The thought of living together with someone and having a family scared the shit out of me a few years ago, but now it's something I look forward to.
You said your ex husband divorced you because he found another woman. AKA cheating. How would the fact of being in a gay relationship have any bearing on the custody battle for kids? People get divorced move on and remarry a few years later all the time. so what if she 's a woman. Your husband is the one in the wrong and I am sure you can make that quite clear in court. I know the UK is pretty progressive and unless there is a law I don't know about, I think you're good. I am in the process of coming out of the closet myself. I have learned here at EC that it is not good to put your life on hold because of everyone else. Sure there will be people in my life who disapprove of my decisions but the alternative is to suffer in silence like I have been doing this whole time. I don't want to be stuck forever. Getting unstuck will be jarring and oftentimes taking the first step is the hardest. I promise after you accept yourself it's all downhill from there. Maybe it might be good to tell your girlfriend you need a little break to get your head on straight so you don't accidentally lash out at her anymore. Apologize and tell her you're going to work on yourself and come back fresh and renewed in 1-2 weeks.
Starchild.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. *****Starchild You don't mention how old your children are. Do you think they will be ok with you having a woman as a partner? I agree with @Chillton that your partner really should not have any effect on a custody hearing, but then I'm not a lawyer (barrister I believe in Great Britain) and don't really know that much about your laws. I really do think you need to go with the flow. This could be a wonderful relationship. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
Hi! Sorry that you’re going trough all this. Sounds like that the biggest issue you are facing is self-acceptance, and that’s a tough battle to go trough, even more so if you come from a conservative society. But there is nothing wrong with you, it’s just the way you are and it’s perfectly normal and valid. It’s sad that your marriage has fallen apart like it did, but it’s great that you found a woman you have feelings for, and from the sound of it, it is mutual… Why not go for it? Why not take a chance at having a happy, fulfilling relationship? Sure, there might be people who would think badly of it, but it’s their problem, not yours. Children will likely be okay with it, besides I’m sure they would rather see their mom happy. Others might not be accepting at first, but they might open up to the idea later, and if not - they’re not worth being around with, if they care more about their image of you rather yourself. Then again, you don’t have to tell anyone, just live your best life and let them figure out by themselves. Sure, you ex-husband might try to use it against you in a custody battle, but does it matter? Same-sex relationships are not illegal and there is nothing wrong with them, it’s not like it could influence kids in a bad way… If unsure, you might want to consult a divorce lawyer just to be sure what are your options and what are the risks. Best of luck to you!
Hi, thank you for your advice and encouragement..Our age gap is 9 years - I’m 43, she’s 35. Aside from that, our life paths have been completely different. She sees things differently, but I think we are making good progress. If I’m completely honest, I can see future with her. And that scares me, because ai don’t know how I will make it happen.. Can you tell me more about the issues you have because of the age difference?
Thank you for advice. I don’t know if not seeing her is the answer - I’ve noticed if I don’t see her for longer than a couple of days, I start to get nervous and question everything..When I’m with her, everything seems so easy. I know I’m very lucky I have her and I try my best not to be toxic.. About the custody situation- yes, UK laws are very accommodating and will not allow any discrimination towards the same sex couples, but my ex is extremely homophobic- something I had no idea about when I married him. If he will find out about this, it will cause problems..
Thank you! I think about it every day - that me being unable to accent myself might potentially ruin something wonderful. I know I have to pull myself together. No one will fix this for me. But it’s nice to be ci able to talk to all of you here. It helps a lot!
Hi, David! Thank you for the info! It’s very useful. As for your question - my kids are 10 and 12, not babies anymore. I have no idea how they would take it, but I hope they will understand..
You are so fortunate to find someone like her who accepts the fact you are married.. I also am married to a wonderful guy but I am looking for a girlfriend. I started a relationship with a nice woman but she dropped me and screamed at me when she found I was married. Accused me of just looking for someone on the side. In actual fact, I am looking for a real relationship like you have. It is so hard to find that I also sabotage any friendship that starts because I am so afraid of being hurt. My husband accepts my sexuality and is encouraging me but that makes it harder for me to admit that I can't find anyone so I tell my husband that I am not really gay - which is a lie. I don't know if I would ever leave my husband for a woman, for now I try not to think of it but I know I definitely should be with a woman, I will sort out the details later. Thankfully I have no children. and I am not afraid to tell my family I am gay.
I think, everyone has their own good and bad bits in this journey..I’m Happy for you that you are not afraid to tell your family. I hope you will find someone soon! I am not married, I have been divorced for almost five years now. But I still think it’s a lot to ask of her - she has to accept the fact that I was in a marriage, my children (which she does - they love her, although they think she’s a friend), all my past, my not so friendly ex..It can’t be easy for her. And on top of all that - me and my self sabotaging behavior. We talked about it yesterday, I apologized again for a millionth time..I really honestly think that she deserves better. She just smiled and said - I’ll let you know when I had enough ))))
I wouldn't think much of the age gap, at 43 & 35 that is really nothing out of the ordinary. That you've been married before and have had kids, that is more of a thing. What does she think about kids? Does she want kids of her own some day? I'm in a straight relationship - I'm 24 and he's 34. From when I was 18-21, we never really saw each other more than every couple of weeks, as I was at university in a different part of the country. It was at the beginning when the age gap was a bit of a big deal, we met and got on well, swapped numbers, but after I told him my age he didn't really want a relationship because I was too young. But I'm not the sort of person who takes no for an answer very easily so I pursued him pretty relentlessly and we became kinda casually dating, I was his +1 for a lot of his friend's weddings things like that, and we went on holiday together a lot. After I graduated and moved back home, we've had a more typical relationship and see each other most nights of the week, his old flat was like a second home to me but he bought a proper family house earlier this year, a big old wreck of a place in a little village which he's been doing up and I've been helping him with. We both want kids some day, so that's the long term plan.
I really think that you two could work out all the complications you think you have. I still think you are incredibly lucky to have her.
Thank you for sharing your story! I wish you sl the very best! To answer your question - I agree that our age gap is not that big, the bigger problem is my past..She wants her own kids and I honestly don’t know if I want any more kids..Although it would be nice to have a family with her. I’m very confused
Hi - first of all good luck with your divorce and custody battle. Here in New York, the courts make it nearly impossible to remove children from a mother so I feel horrible that you are worried about that. I was "fortunate" that the ex handed the kids over. Not many dads get that here. Second... the confusion is normal. Embrace it as a learning process and absorb as much advice as you can from people who have gone through it. I cannot form my own romantic relationships so I cannot give you advice on that matter. But I feel happy that you found love. The only bit of advice that I can offer is this: your children will grow up so fast that you won't believe it. BE THERE for them, no matter what happens. Give them your love and attention, because this confusion that you are going through is much worse on them. Ten years ago I became a single dad to preteens. I put aside my personal needs and wants to be SuperDad, and hopefully they are the better for it. But I can tell you that I don't know where the time went, and I am glad to have been there for them at every milestone and every step of the way. The ex is off living her best life, and whatever romantic fulfillment she may have achieved... I wouldn't trade it for what I had. Lastly - don't go to the extreme like I did and lose yourself. If I could do it over, I would have been less "super" and more "me". I put my life on hold, and now that they're independent (more or less) I don't know who I am nor what I want. SO... please try to balance being "mom" and being "yourself" so that hopefully a decade from now you will have both well-adjusted 20-somethings AND a healthy & happy YOU.
Thank you so much for your advice..I have to admit, I know perfectly well what you are talking about..For the last 5 years, since my husband left me (and even before that) I somehow turned the supermom mode on - being a perfect mom felt so important, much more important than everything else. My job, my studies and my children were the only thing in my life. I honestly thought it was enough. And it was/still is. I wasn’t planning on meeting anyone and having a relationship, it just happened and now I honestly don’t know how to find time for her in my life. How to not make her feel like she comes last. My kids are still my number one priority and I will never do anything to traumatize them, but I also realize I don’t want to lose her. Just last week we discussed Christmas plans with my kids and I suggested that my friend could join us. And they refused..My son said he doesn’t want anything to change. And I honestly don’t know how I will introduce her as my girlfriend and how I will tell them that maybe at some point we will live together, if they don’t even want her at our house for Christmas because it means change..It made me incredibly sad. I love my children but I also love her. I guess it will take a lot of time and patience to make this situation work.
Hey I know self acceptance and seeing yourself as being completely out and in a same sex relationship seems like a scary and daunting place to get to but honestly try not to think of it as though it’s one thing that you have to do in a day. There are many many stepping stones between being totally in the closet apart from with your girlfriend and being completely out and that doesn’t have to happen overnight. Whether you want additional kids in the future is definitely something you are going to have to think about but I don’t think you have to sabotage everything right now just in case you don’t. Try and take everything a small manageable step at a time. Your status says out to a few so that’s good that you have told some people, I assume they know about your relationship? accepting yourself can be one of the toughest things to do so don’t be too hard on yourself but don’t give up either you can get there.
Sooooo.... ONE last bit of advice; Try not to spoil your kids. In retrospect I have come to the realization that I really spoiled my kids. I did everything to make sure that they had whatever they wanted (I say "wanted" and not "needed" as there is a marked difference). I just didn't want to say "no". I have so much guilt over their mother leaving them/us that I overcompensated and just didn't want to say "no". Don't get me wrong - I have great kids who are amazing young adults (kind, polite, loving, behaved) but they don't really know what any sort of struggle or "need" is. That made them less prepared for the realities of life. Why am I saying this to you? You are worried about your children saying "no" to YOU. About you wanting your new love interest to have a place in your home but your children not allowing it. This - in my opinion - is a good opportunity to teach your children that life is not all rainbows and butterflies, and that YES things CHANGE. Teach them to accept change when it's good (aka: mom is happy). Also that they're not the center of the universe. My daughter, for example, is 23 years old, and is just NOW realizing that she's not the center of the universe and that she needs to accept things that she finds unpleasant in order to be well-adjusted. I really missed the mark on teaching them that. I was so focused on shielding them from all unpleasantries and showering them with rainbows & butterflies (out of pure guilt) that their adulthood was stunted just a bit (my youngest is the exception - he is very self-aware and independent by nature). So yeah... that's my advice to you. It will be difficult, but if you somehow get your son to embrace the coming change, in a positive way, then he and you will be the better for it.
