I am struggling badly at the moment against my brain. I have just wasted the last 4 hours doing nothing, trying not to have a panic attack, trying to cook dinner, unsuccessfully cutting my wrists, trying to listen to music and I don't know how to break out of this cycle. I could do with a week off from work but I just had a few days, and have alresdy said I will do overtime this week. So I am stuck. All the advice is like 'get a massage', 'talk to your friends and family', 'play with your cat or dog'. I'm sorry but how privileged do you have to be to just have a pet, friends and family who don't minimise your pain, AND to be able to go out and get a massage? What the hell? I have a stash of medication saved up from when I was on antidepressants but I don't really want to take them, so I'm not sure what to do. Sorry for moaning again. To anyone waiting on a reply from me: I'm sorry. Its just another item on my mile-long to do list that I'm trying to get round to
Hey hugs your way. the most important thing is that you reach out. Even if it's here or to a helpline. It can help just by talking about your worries. It doesn't have to be friends or family. It can be your community here that offers support during a difficult time for you or therapy or a helpline. It is hard to break out of this cycle. I've certainly been there, but talking really does help, even if not in therapy, you can do it here.
Wait.. so you've stopped taking the antidepressants. Why? Rayland is right - posting here is a good idea. Just getting it all out and venting is fine with us. I don't mind if you PM me either. Alternatively (or as well) there are the Samaritans. I cannot recommend them enough. Sometimes all you need is to have someone listen to your woes and take them seriously. And they do that brilliantly. Hang in there, Lottaotter. Sending out love and strength to you. Beth x
Lottaotter.....It's been a while since we've talked. We shared some Private Messages last year as I recall. I know that the dark times can be rough...been there...it's not fun at all. If you ever want to share PMs again, don't hesitate, I will answer. .....David
Thanks for replying everyone. You don't have to reply to this or even read it, I just want to vent. It all started with the incident I described in my post about the LGBTQ group I tried to be a part of. I've struggled with feeling belonging since I realised I was gay, and especially since I moved to the city I live in now. I only have one friend here, and she was so quick to ditch me once she got a boyfriend. All she does is sit indoors and smoke weed with him, so apparently I'm even duller to spend time with than that. It triggered all the old feelings about the way I look. Basically the ideal male in this country is: dark hair, tanned skin, tall, physically imposing, aggressive, macho, confident and no body hair, a full head of hair. I have to listen to women and men say how bad it is to not look like that. ... It's the opposite of me. I just wish, if I can't click my fingers and become that person, that I could just accept the way I look. I feel happy when I do, but I worry that when I accept the way I naturally look, I am being delusional. Life will never be easy for me looking like this. No matter how much effort I put into the way I look, I will NEVER be enough for most people in this country. I also hate how I'm treated every day. People ignore me, pretend that I don't exist and probably laugh at me behind my back. I get surly, rude service in shops, I always have to make room for others on the street (people just shove into me), people don't say thank you or please or treat me with any respect. I am invisible, unless I am a target for being mocked. And then there are gay people. I'm excluded presumably because of my working class accent that makes me sound stupid, my lack of experience in all the typical bland white gay male stuff we all have to like, the way I look. There is so much more I am fed up with too. I stopped taking antidepressants because I had to get a doctors appointment to get another prescription. I tried over and over again because there were no appointments. So I decided to come off the tablets, as I would run out eventually. I see the therapist occasionally. I am also worried about the long term effects of antidepressants. My friend said her boyfriend still struggles with sex drive years after stopping. I can't afford to lose any more sex drive- it's already low and I don't feel manly enough (just look at how I was talked to on that thread about being intimidated by other men on here by one user... Everyone seems to worship traditional masculinity those of us who don't meet the grade just have to 'man up' apparently. On top of this I just don't think I'll ever be able to heal. I am 30 in a few months time. I have done nothing in my life and I don't get why I can't enjoy life like other people. I just want to be normal.
I am sorry if I offended you on the other thread. That was not my intent. I was trying to explain how macho men think and operate to better understand and confront them. There are definitely many toxic men out there as you described that should not be praised or put on a pedestal. Traditional masculinity is riddled with double standards and pissing contests. I myself have been constantly compared to other macho men and told to man up throughout my life as well. I hate it too and I have learned how to navigate around it. That was what I was trying to explain in that thread. Again I am sorry if I offended you and if you would like to talk more about male double standards you can send me a profile post.
Thanks you, it's OK. Masculinity is a reply touchy subject for me. I'm only now beginning the process of tearing away the layers of masculine masks I've learned to wear since childhood, and finding go much it feels good to me to embrace more traditionally feminine aspects of me that I've hidden for so long. Unfortunately, this process also makes you very unpopular. Most of the women I know are deeply critical of any tiny sign of femininity in a man, and aren't afraid to voice their disgust about it.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time and the people around there are so rude. You deserve to be treated good and you are so kind to others. Nearing 30 can be stressful for us being single and all the shit we've faced so maybe some medication would help. That sucks it was so hard to get an appointment but if that's how it is I guess you have to work the system. Are there any online sources you can get Rx with video appointment only? I need to do this too. Possible sexual side effects but not everyone or forever. I didn't from Fluoxetine. I figured if I felt good enough from the pills I wouldn't care if people still disliked me but maybe it wouldn't work that way. I sure wish you were happy at work and outside it. Please don't give up and keep talking to us at least
It's actually something that I'm struggling with, but different way. I'm someone who is as well more feminine man, but I struggle with accepting this all within myself, exactly because of this toxic masculinity mindset. We're actually quite similar there, but struggle our own ways. I don't care about popularity too much. I care that I would feel okay within my body and would love myself, because there is only one of us and we should love our own uniqueness. When we love ourselves, then others will start to like us too. Loving yourself is hard, but it isn't impossible. I'm not the best person who says this all though as it's so hard for me to accept my own uniqueness too.
The key question is: were those antidepressants helping? Please ignore rumour, gossip and old wives' tales about their effects. If they were taking the edge off your depression and you were finding it easier to cope with life, then they are worth taking. I hear you about becoming dependent on them. But by the sounds of it you are at another crisis point. You need help. And if that means pharmaceutical help as well as help from family, friends and us on EC, then I'd grab that liferaft. Really? In my experience the opposite is true. You've obviously been hanging round the wrong women! One of the wonderful things about humans is that we don't all look alike, like clones. And there comes a point in all our lives when we realise that we just have to make do with what we've got. I'm never going to look like the woman I once dreamt of being. I'm too tall. My neck is too long and I have no curves. But so what? I'm me. Call me a hopeless Pollyanna, but even after everything I've been through I still believe there's someone out there who'll be able to love a gawky 50 something transwoman like me. You will. You need to be around the right people, people who are going to accept you just as you are. You also need to accept the things you can't change and work on the things you can. Unless you're loaded enough to be able to afford cosmetic surgery, you're not going to be able to change your looks. But you can work on other things like, for example, being more relaxed around other people. Like I said in a previous, post PM me any time. You have friends here who really do accept you and are right behind you. Hugs, Beth x
