Hello, this is my first time posting here and I'm just really confused right now. Growing up I always thought/assumed I was straight even though I kissed another boy ( I can't remember if it was on the cheek or what) when I was in 2nd grade and was curious and such when I saw one of my friends boners when we were teens. Besides those two events I was pretty much always obsessed with female bodies mainly the boobs which really started when I discovered porn on accident when I was very young and I would always try finding bikini models, wet t-shirt pictures, and videos of Kate Upton before moving to straight up pornography. I would also try to find girls on games such as World of Warcraft to talk with and try to get with. Then around 2021 or sometime around there I noticed that I was starting to get turned on by watching penises in porn and since then it's been a downward spiral of trying to figure out what is going on with me. I test myself basically every day between straight and gay porn. I can seem to get semi-erect to certain things in gay porn and its usually the things I like to see in straight porn but with guys instead of a girl. Not only that, but if I take the testing further and masturbate while looking at gay porn I can feel tingling and almost like an urge to ejaculate in my penis meanwhile I'm trying not to and hoping that I am not or will not be aroused by it. Also, somewhat unrelated, but I have also found that sometimes I get into the womans head in porn and find that really arousing. I have also felt my attraction to women ( if I even genuinely had that to begin with) fade away, but I also don't feel like going for men the same way I did girls in my teenage years. I worry that I've been unknowingly gay and I can't shake the thought and it's been all I can think about pretty much every day for the past couple years with maybe a little break here and there for when I'm obsessing about something with my health. I was also diagnosed with OCD with it being more pure O according to my psychiatrist I don't know if that's playing into this or not. And if this is just OCD why do I feel the things I do when testing and such?
Someone else made a very similar post a while back, OCD and constantly questioning their sexuality. Is it at all possible you could completely stop watching porn? I think it might be a good place to start from.
I have tried to entertain the thought many times, but i can't even genuinely see myself kissing or cuddling with another guy let alone anything sexual. I'm a little worried it could be some kind of internal homophobia I guess.
I have tried to stop many times during this, but I end up coming back very quickly because the need to find answers just becomes so strong. However, years ago before this I would try and quit but I would see something like an ad featuring someone with cleavage and I would end up relapsing.
Porn is porn, you have to remember your brain isn't designed / didn't evolve to see it. You're only meant to get those feelings when you're getting it on with someone. I know you can't just switch off the OCD but this is really screaming OCD behaviour, not gay behaviour. Have you ever been intimate with a woman? If so, how was that, was it a good experience or not so good?
It could be. Tough to say. Maybe it's worth just trying. I'm not sure if you have any lgbt friends you could try something with
I've never been physically invilved with a woman, but I did meet a girl online years ago that i absolutely fell for and still have a rough time getting over her. Which begs rhe question if i were gay would I do that?
Pretty much this is what OCD does it hijacks your brain. It makes you test and feel stuff and not believe anything anyone says. Only proper OCD specialist can help here.
This should be talked about to a OCD specialist. To me it seems like a case of just OCD, like many others here and you said you were diagnosed. I can't say anything about anyones sexuality, because people figure it usually out themselves or a ocd therapist helps. In here you can read others people experiences, but in the end you need to work it out yourself. I don't want to give false validation.
Feuer.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. .....OCD is a serious situation. I have OCD, diagnosed by a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have worked with them to find the right medications and the right dosages to help reduce the effects of the OCD. I have also worked with my therapist to learn ways to handle the OCD when it starts to cause problems. As a result of these actions my OCD is about 90%-95% reduced. That didn't happen overnight, it took several years to get to where I am now, but believe me...it has been worth it! My OCD had nothing to do with sexuality, but it nonetheless caused terrible disruption to my life. As @Rayland pointed out, OCD hijacks your brain...making you think/believe things that are not true. It will make you repeat actions over and over, like testing yourself repeatedly. You are questioning your sexuality...wondering if you are gay or if the OCD is making you think that you are gay. I can tell you that until you get the OCD under control, you will not be able to answer that question. The OCD will keep you "bouncing" back and forth and you will never be able to understand your sexuality for certain until the OCD is under control. You will need the help of a qualified therapist who can help you find the right medications and also help you with techniques that you can use when the OCD is particularly difficult to get it under control. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right med. I think it was the third med that I tried that really worked well for me. It also takes a bit of time to adjust the dosage. You always start with a lower dose and then gradually increase the dosage until you find the right amount that controls the OCD symptoms without side affects. That went very well for me and only took three/four months to get the dosage right. While all of that sounds a bit daunting...believe me the relief from the OCD was way worth it! Take this very seriously and get the right kind of help to get this under control...you will be very glad that you did! Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now, you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
So today I was just scrolling through Instagram reels and I got a post of a mtf trans with a caption that went along the lines of "People leaving rude comments when they meet me in person" and it was playing a sound of a guy choking on something and between reading the caption and imagining the scenario I started to get hard. Of course now I'm thinking I'm gay because why would I get hard for that so easily?
I have to tell you that the constant "testing" will get you absolutely nowhere. It will send you down a million rabbit holes and pile on even more layers of confusion. While we are in the questioning phase, it's normal to experience some obsessive thinking about our sexual orientation, but this happens purely because we are questioning and doesn't necessarily mean we have an OCD. It's important to avoid making links like that. It is possible for same sex feelings to occur during childhood and then be dismissed and remain latent for some years. Many of our later in life members can testify to this fact. For some people the same sex attraction re-emerges alongside attraction to members of the opposite sex (bisexuality) and for others it becomes the predominant attraction. I think you are still at the stage where you are trying to work all of that out and it's totally okay. We don't need to rush to pigeon hole our sexuality and it's entirely reasonable to sit with our feelings and give ourselves time to work things out. Flicking between straight porn and gay porn as some kind of test will not help you to find answers. In actual fact, it could make things much worse as you go deeper and deeper into the sphere of visual fantasy. What may be more revealing is what you fantasise to in your own mind, without the distraction of porn? When you are out in public, do other guys catch your attention? If so, are you noticing them more than women, less than women, or about the same? These are the real cues to look out for.
@Feuer445 The advice from @PatrickUK is worth taking some time to consider. However, you said you’ve been previously diagnosed with OCD so only you can decide how to proceed. Just like only you can know who you are in terms of your orientation. I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope you may find some useful bits from my experience to help you on your journey. I, like you, came here with similar experiences and questions. I had felt no real attraction or desire for men and had only been with women. However, there were some anomalies behind the scenes that I either simply brushed under the rug or was not necessarily looking at in the right way. Long story short, when I came here my mind kept telling me that I was gay. This occurred after I had essentially attempted to propose to a longtime, on-and-off again girlfriend. As stated above, I had never felt attracted to men but for years, since I was a teenager, I secretly watched and enjoyed trans pornography. So When I first started questioning my sexuality, I went in that direction because these were the people who aroused me and I “felt” attracted to. It wasn’t totally smooth sailing but eventually I met someone I liked and for awhile things seemed to be fine. But then the questioning came back. I’m now in a weird place where I’m almost certain that I’m gay despite the fact that I seemed to be aroused more so by people who are more feminine presenting. However, that is the rabbit hole, mentioned by @PatrickUK, that I fell into. I was basing the entirety my sexual orientation on what gave me an erection. There are other things at play though. Although things have somewhat improved, this last year has been spent living with a mix of crippling anxiety and pretty deep depression. I spent a lot of my time ruminating and trying to figure it all out. I was constantly testing my arousal. I was doing and experiencing all of these things while essentially fighting the continued thought I was having telling me that I was gay. Again, the rabbit hole. I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you I’ve accepted it, let alone embraced it, and that I’m happy. I’m still very much trying to sort through everything and come to terms with myself, but as I stated above, I’m almost certain that I’m gay and this fact is seeming to get harder and harder to deny. The fact of the matter is that I’ve got too much going on in my head to see things clearly but I constantly keep coming back to the same thing, that I’m gay. I’m still in therapy but I think I struggle massively with internalized homophobia rather than OCD. I also at times wish I wouldn’t have pursued the relationship with the trans woman I’ve been seeing as intensely as I did before having some more clarity about who I was because although I know there is on some level sincerity to my feelings for her, I believe they’re ultimately misguided and this makes everything else all the more difficult for me. If you have OCD, get the proper help. Listen to your therapist and do the work. If you’re genuinely questioning, be kind to yourself and give yourself some time.
I can only reliably go on what I think I did before which I pretty much only noticed women and when I did notice men they were usually really good looking and I'd be wishing I looked like them.
