I am new to the gay dating scene and I have ran across an unforeseen problem. I have been making a solid effort to put myself out there and roughly flirted with a couple dozen guys and went on a few dates. However, about 1/3 of the guys I flirted with changed their attitude towards me when the conversation naturally brings up the fact that I am still in the closet and do not have much substantial experience dating men yet. They instantly lost all interest and were turned off by that fact. I felt like they regarded me as some painstaking charity case to be avoided or some mundane daily annoyance. In other words a Red flag. I only dug my grave deeper by telling them I am Bi sexual and have plenty of experience dating women so far. ( some guys tried to let me down easy and others reacted horrendously). It is starting to make me question if being in the closet comes off as a Red flag Inadvertently somehow. I know being new to the LGBT community may not be as preferable when it comes to dating, but I am also not some Ignorant love-struck 18yr old either. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and come out,( ready or not), by jumping into the deep end of the pool. Instead of staying in the closet, treading in the shallow end constantly playing catch up. It doesn't seem like there really is any in-between. I would be very grateful if anyone has some advice or input to help me out. Moreover, Is there a better way to present myself as in the closet? Is there just a piece of the puzzle going over my head?
Definitely sucks, but those men aren't worth your time. * I really hate to say it, but in terms of being in the closet....it's just the fact that it's the closet. Most queer folk have traumatic experiences being the closet for years. And even after years of being out for a long, a lot of us are still working through that damage. I 100% sympathize with being closeted. I get that I'm so lucky things went well for me. It's even scary to come out to people I know will take it well. But a lot of us don't want to go back into the closet AT ALL (eg you're on a date, we bump into some one you know, and you say we're friends). My heart is too fragile to handle being semi closeted again. It's unfair to assume all closeted people are like I was, but it's one thing to say "I really want to come out within the year" and another to follow through with it (and I get it, 100% valid). All that being said. I wasn't out to my family when I first started dating. Very grateful I was even a chance, because I would have never come out to them if I wasn't hiding a relationship lol
I don't know why it would be but some people act like it is and I couldn't tell you why. I've always thought it's pretty rude to reject someone for that just because you're lucky enough to be out doesn't mean everyone else is. But I always see it as if they've been through something, know how bad it is, and still are too selfish to help anyone else with it then they aren't worth your time especially as a partner
Hey I think it is a really hard one and one which I can see from both sides. You shouldn’t have to come out if you don’t want to or are not ready and nobody should ever force you to do so. I guess it depends on the reasons for you being in the closet and your thoughts on whether that might change anytime soon. I think for a lot of people (as someone above said) the closet can be something that a lot of LGBT people look back on as a place of unhappiness and trauma and whilst dating someone in the closet doesn’t force you back into the closet it puts the relationship in the closet and for that reason I think it is something that people avoid. On top of that sometimes I think it is perhaps that these people have been burnt before and started a relationship with someone in the closet, things go well and they develop strong feelings and then the closeted person either never comes out or changes their mind or buries deeper into the closet. Is there something specific stopping you coming out or is it just that you feel like you haven’t gotten that far down the road yet and wanted to do some dating first?
It’s important to remember that when you’re dating while closeted, it isn’t going to only affect you. On some level, when you’re out and dating someone who’s in the closet, you have to be in the closet too. Depending on the situation, that could mean never going on dates where you might be spotted together, never holding hands in public, being introduced to people as “a friend” and anything else that comes along with being closeted. I’m not saying that to pressure you into coming out, but to express the reality of the situation. Some people are okay with that and some people aren’t. Biphobia is real and it has nothing to do with you being in the closet. They might be afraid that if you’re closeted, you’ll decide it’s “easier” to be with a woman instead. That’s shitty and unfair to you, but it also isn’t impossible. I do want to remind you, though, that there is an in-between when it comes to the closet. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I’ve been with my wife almost ten years and there are still people in my life I’m not out to. You can be out to friends and not family. You can be out to friends and family but not work. You can be closeted to the people in your life but out to the people in your partner’s life. There are more shades than “out” and “not out.”
Is there something specific stopping you coming out or is it just that you feel like you haven’t gotten that far down the road yet and wanted to do some dating first?[/QUOTE] I am just worried that my family and social circle won't receive the news well and I won't be taken seriously. I don't feel like I am prepared for all the questions that come with the territory of coming out of the closet. I can only tell them I've mostly had negative experiences so far and barely a few positive ones. I also tried to come out before a few years ago In another city while going to college. I got gay bashed a lot and few guys pretended to flirt with me only so they could prank me later. The few guys I flirted with who were authentically gay tried to use me because I was so clueless and ignorant at the time. It's a miracle I haven't been exposed yet. Needless to say I didn't take any of it to heart. I just redoubled my efforts to gain more experience and learned how to protect myself. Now I am ready to come out soon. I just thought making a couple gay friends or finding a boyfriend first would make the process of coming out of the closet easier. However it may just be easier to come out right now so more people In the LGBT community can be more comfortable around me and find me instead of trying to find everyone else by myself.
Thank you everyone for your wonderful Input. I really was missing a big piece of the puzzle. This helps a lot. Thank you so much.
I am just worried that my family and social circle won't receive the news well and I won't be taken seriously. I don't feel like I am prepared for all the questions that come with the territory of coming out of the closet. I can only tell them I've mostly had negative experiences so far and barely a few positive ones. I also tried to come out before a few years ago In another city while going to college. I got gay bashed a lot and few guys pretended to flirt with me only so they could prank me later. The few guys I flirted with who were authentically gay tried to use me because I was so clueless and ignorant at the time. It's a miracle I haven't been exposed yet. Needless to say I didn't take any of it to heart. I just redoubled my efforts to gain more experience and learned how to protect myself. Now I am ready to come out soon. I just thought making a couple gay friends or finding a boyfriend first would make the process of coming out of the closet easier. However it may just be easier to come out right now so more people In the LGBT community can be more comfortable around me and find me instead of trying to find everyone else by myself.[/QUOTE] Have you looked for an LGBT support or activity group near you? You might find that the people there are more welcoming to someone in the process of coming out. I totally understand your trepidation of coming out, especially given your previous experience (I am really sorry that happened to you). Do you feel like there is anyone in your life you would consider coming out to?
Have you looked for an LGBT support or activity group near you? You might find that the people there are more welcoming to someone in the process of coming out. I totally understand your trepidation of coming out, especially given your previous experience (I am really sorry that happened to you). Do you feel like there is anyone in your life you would consider coming out to?[/QUOTE] Yes I have looked into quite a few groups and went to a couple already. There are a few more I am planning to attend. I've just had bad luck searching so far. Unfortunately most of the group activities and events in my area are for youth, senior citizens, or parties. So I expanded my search radius and found some groups I'll check out 2-4 hrs away. I have come out to my sister recently and she has been 100% supportive. I couldn't be more grateful. However we both agree that our immediate family and friends might not receive the news too well. It could honestly go either way. I am also trying to jump back into the dating scene to kick myself into gear and gain more confidence. I might be able to make a few friends along the way and be introduced to their social circles too. I have been able to mostly put my past trepidation behind me. I am just having trouble finding people to connect with, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. Thanks again for your advice.
Well it was nice but it didn't really amount to much. Most of the guys I flirted with were extremely extroverted and wanted to party, or extremely introverted and didn't want to go anywhere. I love to go out but I don't really party. I did go on a few brief first dates. Two of the guys noticed an acquaintance and basically ran away during the date and left me in a highly awkward situation. Two of the other guys were in the closet like me, but I guess since I am moderately confident guy, they thought I was a gay guru or something and had all the answers they were searching for. I corrected them quickly and told them I didn't have those answers and we were in the same boat, however I would love to discover those answers together. Then they spiraled and started to bash themselves. Nothing I did or said got through to them and they quickly ran away. So now I think I'll just try gay dating apps instead. I am researching which apps would be the best to use since I never actually used one before. A lot of the information I have come across is contradictory though. But according to the rules of EC, we can't discuss that unfortunately.
I would be so nervous I wouldn't even know how to flirt with a guy or what to do on the first date lol
well guys are typically pretty active and get stir crazy. It's cute how nervous they get sitting in one spot for too long. So on a first date I like to take them somewhere we can explore and do an activity together as an ice breaker. Like: Going to a park, hiking, museums, walking/ driving around a shopping district, a public garden, rock climbing, canoeing, running on the beach, etc. Then the second date can be a more personal intimate setting with one on one time. If you're having trouble flirting then just follow your date's lead. Compliments help too.
Well like I said I am new to the gay dating scene and they all pretty much panned out as I described earlier in this thread. It was rough to get them to come out of their shell and they pretty much just abandoned the date or threw me under the bus. I wish I had a more positive report to give you. However thanks to everyone's support here at EC, I am not really worried about my status as in the closet anymore. I am going to put myself out there more and try online dating instead with guys who are ready to mingle. If someone finds out I am Bi, then I'll just handle it with pride and confidence. I've just been missing a few puzzle pieces EC has helped me find and fill in.
I think closet + bisexual probably creates red flags. There is unfortunately a widespread belief 'there are no bi men only gay men in the closet' Not everyone thinks this way but adding 'closet' probably raise suspicions. Part of the reason for that is a lot of gay men in the closet or in denial or just coming out still say "I look at women" , and a pattern emerges of slowing losing sexual interest in women. I am not fully out, when I first contemplated coming out it felt overwhelming. Immediately thinking about every gay joke I heard from friends and family and in college and high school friends. But then I decided, I don't have to come out to everyone in my life and everyone I ever met, anymore than a straight person has to share their sexual preferences or tastes with people. Some of it isn't just about being gay or not it's about just being a private person. Don't think you have to tell the whole world. I have adapted the philosophy of living my live forward as gay, and when the bridge comes I cross it. I did come out to close friends who I thought would understand and I am closer to them and decided that's how I want to live going forward. Part of me thinks that the problem is that you you don't have confidence in yourself and are waiting for outside validation. I had thoughts like this "What if I am really not gay", "Why not just wait until I have a boyfriend it will be easier". then i thought-I have intense gay sexual and romantic fantasies - if I was straight and had those I wouldn't think "maybe I am not straight" eventually it occurred to me I am gay no matter what that's not changing. But also give you're self some credit! You've come out to people, tried to date and put yourself out there - that's more than a lot of people did and far more than I did for YEARS! ' @silverhalo has an excellent suggestion. Build a community going forward, rather than think about rectifying the past of family or worry about telling people you're gay who you don't know how they will react. I also naturally accept in some ways I am not going to be closer to some straight friends. If your group of friends wants to go to singles bars to pick up women, you're eventually going to want to do something else, that's why many find new communities after they come out.
I agree with searching2022. The flags are the bisexuality and closeted pieces. The latter more than the former. It is generally miserable dating a closeted person, as they are usually paranoid about being seen by someone that they know, which is driven by deep shame that causes a whole bunch of other issues. The inexperience, from my perspective, is less of an issue. The bisexuality coupled with being closeted can paint a picture of someone putting their toe in the water and experimenting. Are these things fair? Maybe not, but they are a reality. Also, keep in mind the person who is fine with it is likely either incredibly nonjudgmental and open-minded (unlikely) or a codependent who probably has some mix of terrible self-esteem, wanting someone to "fix", super clingy/controlling, or a combination. Not always, but pretty common.
That's how I've heard guys refer to it on other forums, and I felt excluded and looked down upon for being so old and not out so the sooner the better. Good luck!
