Hello, I'm new to this website and needed some advice for coming out to my very traditional parents. For some context I'm a female who's bisexual but has a stronger preference for females. Okay so I plan on coming out once I'm comfortable with them but honestly with how things are going I don't believe I will any time soon. You see my parents were raised in traditional homes and are quite homophobic. My mother says she can tolerate gays but would be devastated if she ever had a kid who was gay. (Me) I love her a lot and don't want to disappoint her however I know I'll suffer if I don't tell her who I really am. My dad is very supportive of me (he doesn't know I'm gay) and hopes I find a suitable husband. They are supportive overall however the second they see a gay person they can't help but bash them on whatever seems odd to them. It makes me feel that I could never come out to them because of their dislike towards gay people. I've heard them say many slurs against gays and I've tried educating them repeatedly but It feels like I'll never get through to them. The second I raise a suspicion of me being gay they begin to tell me how much they don't like gay people and how they are grateful to have a straight family. What do I do? Should I come out now and hope for the best? Should I save money for a place to stay if they reject me? (I say this since it's actually a possibility considering who my parents are and experience from a gay cousin) Should I just never tell them and hide it from them? This really bothers me and I need some advice on coming out. Please help!
Hi! Sorry to hear that you’re in such a situation, it’s awful to feel that your family might reject you for being who you are. I can’t tell you wether you should come out or no, it’s a decision that only you can make. But take your time, don’t rush it. If it looks like they might react badly, better to prepare accordingly. It’s important to have a way out if the situation turns sour - and that includes being ready to leave and live on your own. Also, do you have any relatives or close friend that could be supportive in this situation? Are there any LGBTQ organisations on your are that you could reach out to?
In my opinion sounds like you should wait to come out till you move out and it be a safe space because coming out at home dosent sound like a good idea with all the homophobia.
Thank you for the advice Keller! For every paycheck I receive I'm setting aside about 75% to prepare for my moving out. I do have one relative that's supportive of me, my sister. I was planning on moving in with her but I don't want to intrude in her life. She seems to have many financial, marital, and other problems. I feel like if I went looking for her it would just backfire and effect her even more. Since I reside in an extremely traditional area there isn't really any help I can get. However, I'll try to see if I missed any. Thank you!
Yeah, I see your point. I'm trying to save up some money for my moving out process since I'm afraid of the rejection I'll most likely receive.
I've been there. My mom once "jokingly" threatened my life if I was gay (it was many years ago now and she...doesn't even remember saying it). My advice is don't come out yet. Wait until you have a stable living situation away from them for your own safety and then come out. I was lucky in that my mom is accepting of me specifically, but it very easily could've gone the other way. I didn't come out until I graduated college, moved out, and got a job.
DestinyMeetFate.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
DestinyMeetFate.....Now that the greeting message is done, I'd like to share some other thoughts! *****Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! Some important factors in deciding when to come out are: *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you. *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, being verbally or emotionally abused. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. Even though waiting might be really difficult, living in a house where there is constant conflict because you came out and your parents did not accept it could easily be much worse. You have to make that decision and in many cases waiting for a while until you will be taken more seriously is a much better choice. I'm not saying that you have to wait, I just think that you should give it serious consideration. A lot depends on how you think your parents will handle your revelation. *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can sometimes be difficult. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality, perhaps for years…giving them at least some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that could be a big help to you. You can edit the letter(s) to fit your situation. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check out the letters (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're bi?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal depending upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or six probable questions with the answers already planned, you will likely be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
Coming out to our parents can feel like an overwhelming thing to face, as it often feels like we are venturing into uncharted territory. Even if our parents haven't explicitly expressed homophobic views, there is still uncertainty that lingers in our minds. This uncertainty becomes even more daunting when our parents hold more traditional beliefs and have made homophobic comments in the past. On a somewhat positive note, your mother has said that she can "tolerate" gay individuals and there is a possibility that if she is confronted with the reality that her own daughter - someone she loves - is bisexual, her tolerance could potentially transform into acceptance. It may take some time and there may be some bargaining along the way, but it certainly could happen. I think you are making a wise decision in prioritising your personal security and saving up for it. In the event of the worst-case scenario, you won't be compelled to remain in a hostile environment. Additionally, you have the support of your sister and a cousin, who should be able to offer empathy and assistance during this time. Check out the website of FFLAG www.fflag.org.uk - a UK charity dedicated to supporting parents and family members who grapple with accepting these issues. They can provide valuable resources and guidance for navigating this challenging situation. Remember, you are not alone and there are people who care about you and your wellbeing. Stay strong, take care of yourself and come here when you need to talk or need support. It's a journey best travelled with others!
I fully understand your position. Bisexual woman who grew up with homophobic parents -notably her father. Mom isn't that bad toward the community in general - my older sibling is genderqueer - but when it comes to me, she thinks I'm fully straight and like your parents, would never ever even consider falling in love or having "over 18" relations with another woman. I'm in my 40s, married to a gent, and we have a child. I agree. It feels like they may be pretty darn cranky and say some hateful things to you or kick you out. Or worse. Huge hugs and tons of love... Just don't come out before you're ready to. We're all here if you need to talk.
