Emerging Gay

Very similar to my own experience. My first experience was with a pre op trans escort and I had to admit I liked it better than I expected. Couldn't get it out of my mind. Through porn and social media I became more and more interested in gay sex. The thing with me is I am not into men in general, but femme men which is why it took me a long time to realise I was gay. A bit like the relationship between a butch and feminine lesbian. I now comfortably accept I am gay, though I remain in the closet. I like to keep my private life private. I too can admire a pretty woman in tight clothing etc, but have no desire to have a relationship with her. In fact I think it would be a turn off and only do damage to both of us. That's the way I am now, totally gay and comfortable with it. My experience, but we are all different.

 

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I went from thinking I was bi to fully realising I was gay over maybe 2 to 3 years. I moved from the pre op trans escort to casual sex with gay men I met online. Through experience and learning more by gay terminology i.e. Top, versatile, Twink, Camp, femme, etc I began to narrow down the partner I was looking for. And my present partner, femme gay, hits the top. Around my own age, height, sex drive and willingness to experiment, from romantic chats to the bedroom its the business.

 

Bullying is awful and many people don't understand how much childhood bullying continues to affect us as adults. It's one of those early life experiences that seeps deep into our core and affects our self confidence for years, making us risk averse and wary of confrontation of any kind. In many ways, we continue to protect the boy or girl we used to be. All of this can transfer into the coming out process. As awareness of our sexuality increases, so does our sense of unease about the process of coming out. An internal monologue can begin as we "crystal ball" various coming out scenarios in our mind, and of course, a gay man who has experienced the disapproval that goes with bullying will magnify those same feelings in his mind about coming out.

We need to go back to basics and understand that our past experience does not and cannot be allowed to determine our present course of life. It's not easy and takes some considerable effort, but it sounds like you are making progress with self acceptance and in using this forum as an outlet. Remember, its a journey, rather than a sprint.

 

I think all of us have had these types of questions. We scour the internet take tests, research, books articles, podcasts, trying to find someone with the same experience as ourselves. Hoping it will give us an answer. But the conclusion I’ve come to is the only real way to truly know. Go out and try it. There is no better expert on you than you. It may take one time it may take more. Find what you like and if you like it you like it. Nothing worse than someone telling you who you are.

 

I know you said you no longer feel ashamed, but have these experiences been enjoyable to you?

 

I guess I take the questions as they come answer them in the moment forget about the future and just be me now whether that is straight, gay, bisexual. I think that’s where turmoil comes in feeling that you have to know the answer to this one question. For me although I like men and women, bisexual doesn’t fit with me. Nor any of the other letters. So I’m just going to me. In regards to testing it out. I would try without the alcohol. With a clear head and you may get a different experience.

 

I’m also not a fan of how todays society pushes people into boxes. It leads people away from their true selves because they identify with certain groups. I choose me.

 

I'm act straight in public, but am gay in private. It doesn't bother me nor my gay lover the way we have to carry out our relationship. We are only out to a few close gay friends male and female. Some people like to keep their private life private, it's no one else's business but your own.

 

I don't know why some people think that they have to come out in public as being gay. I'm not trying to be funny, but if a person is into say bondage, then I don't see why they have to tell everyone. Your sexuality is your business no one else's. If you think you are gay, go and have a few gay experiences. Whether it's sharing your feelings and a bit of kissing, or going all the way spending a night with someone you fancy. How you feel afterwards will tell you. It's not a crime to experiment. I found the whole experience liberating from starting with a transgendered escort to my present partner.

 

I held on to the idea I was straight for a long time because I 'looked at women in public'. My first thread on EC was "I can't be gay because I look at women in public": https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/private-vs-public-sexuality-question.490739/

Over time I realized a that I was shutting myself down whenever I even tried to think about men in public, but it took a long time to realize that. Fear can hide as disgust (really self disgust but you project it on what you're looking at).
Also not all men are attractive, and many gay men are attracted to the glamour and beauty of women but not attracted sexually.

During my cycle of self acceptance, I went on a date with a woman, I realized it was a last ditch effort to 'save' my straight identity. But I couldn't go through with the charade and stopped. It's a little scary, but once you accept you're gay its like a damn bursting open. and eventually you just get tired of trying to fight it.

That's a common pattern, but over time the denial /closet becomes smaller and smaller. A few things that helped me:

• You don't have to do it all at once, baby steps every day are better than bursts of effort that can feel overwhelming and then that fear causes going back in the closet.
• Once you establish 'safe' gay spaces they will probably feel really good and you'll naturally want to expand them. I haven't come out to everyone, but the friends I did come out to I am much closer to and I feel like the 'real me' vs that straight identity you're trying to hold onto. Eventually the mask will feel like an uncomfortable costume.
• Realize a lot of it is fear of what others thing vs. what you feel. If you were in a city where you knew NO ONE and it was super LGBT friendly would any of this be an issue? That's not a realistic scenario for most of us but it made me realize that I had no hang ups about being gay, but I feared what other people might think.