Why is this so difficult for me?

It’s been a little over a year since I first found EC. In someways a lot has changed since then, in others not so much. Emotionally, this has been a pretty rough year. From my perspective, this sexuality business is not for the faint of heart.

Anymore I think I know that I’m gay. I don’t like it, it makes me uncomfortable, and there seems to still be some anomalies to it. Therefore, I can’t say I’ve accepted it nor have I embraced it, but it seems as though it’s the only thing that makes sense. What’s more difficult is that along the way I have developed certain feelings and a relationship with a trans woman. Now, I know that in and of itself does not make me gay. However, in the journey of my self discovery, this was the path I took because that’s what seemed to make sense at the time. Today, I’m not so sure. It feels as though I am grasping at straws and holding on to some thing that’s not genuinely real, but it is also something that is extremely hard for me to simply let go.

My relationship with the trans woman I have been seeing is in a pretty good place for what I’m going through. We’re long distance, have agreed to keep it “light,” and she is aware, on some level, of my uncertainty regarding my sexuality. The last time we saw one another was over Labor Day weekend. There was a moment during that weekend when she kept catching me staring at her. She jokingly called me out and asked why I was doing so. Perhaps somewhat impulsively I responded by saying, “I’m staring at you because I love you.“ I’ll admit in the moment it was a sense of relief in saying those words, and it felt right. I have no doubt that over the time we have known one another, I have developed a certain form of love for her. I care about her, I enjoy her company, being in her presence, and over the nearly year that we have known one another, we have been in almost daily contact so, of course, a bond has formed. But now on the other side of that weekend, I don’t know if when I said those words I meant it in the proper “I am in love with you” sense. Although I do think there is some accuracy in and what I said, in terms of describing the feelings I have for her, I can’t honestly say if it’s not just in a emotionally intimate friendship type of way. When you say those words to someone you should be certain about it and with all the doubt I have and the conflicting feelings over my sexuality, I can’t say that I am certain. That said, I don’t necessarily regret saying what I said as in the moment it felt right. However, I do acknowledge that I possibly playing with fire and I don’t want to hurt her.

My therapist and family members keep saying things like, “can’t you just focus on the person and not everything else” or “Why are you preventing yourself from being happy.” The trouble is that it’s “the everything else” that seems to be preventing me from being happy. It’s either that these feelings I have for the trans woman are real and everything else is just noise/anxiety getting in my way or that I genuinely am gay but I keep hanging onto this trans attraction thing and the relationship, thus creating all of this anxiety. As time goes on it appears that the latter is what’s happening. I feel like I’m living Einstein’s definition of insanity.

I’m still in this weird place where I’ve never achieved arousal (erection) in response to men, which really confuses me and has been a huge sticking point for me in terms of denying/ accepting that I’m gay. However, there definitely feels like there’s some form of attraction to men happening, almost like it’s based on aesthetics but hasn’t reached the level of producing a physiological response. Conversely, it has been the case that somebody more feminine, for instance, a trans woman, would get me physically aroused. Lately that doesn’t seem to be as consistent of a thing. However, if I am to be aroused, it is generally by somebody more feminine presenting. When I’m with the trans women, I’ve been seeing I have had no issues with getting or maintaining arousal. It’s not as ridiculously frequent as it once was but generally speaking, I am like a 13 year old boy in terms of arousal when I am with her. Things like holding hands, a hug, or a kiss will get me aroused. When I’m on my own, the things that arouse me are generally not those things associated with sex like genitalia. Now that can be arousing to me but anymore anything pornographic doesn’t do much for me. But I’ve also recognized that my arousal and attraction to trans women in general seems to be waning, or at the very least rather inconsistent.

Despite all of that it just feels like I’m fighting myself over this “gay” thing. I’ve spent so much time during this journey focusing on arousal and have convinced myself that it is the only reliable indicator of attraction. Sure, on some level there’s truth to that, but it’s hardly the whole story and I think that’s why I’m still in so much turmoil. I explored the whole OCD thing, I’m still in therapy, and on medication, but nothing has really changed and I keep coming back to the idea that I’m gay. Although there is more arousal associated with trans, women and femininity, I think at the end of the day this is just fantasy, perhaps, simply just a delusion. I think on some level I have been trying to convince myself that I can live a life having relationships with trans women but ultimately it’s because I have a massive inability to come to terms with the fact that I’m attracted to men. All this time I’ve been waiting for an example of definitive proof supporting this fact, and although it hasn’t happened in terms of physical arousal, it seems to be present, regardless. I don’t know what it’s gonna take for me to truly come to terms with and accept this. It seems that I have to accept something that doesn’t make total sense to me while also having to let go of some thing I don’t want to, but unfortunately in life just because we want something doesn’t mean it’s meant for us.

I don’t necessarily see this as my coming out post here on EC, as it appears, I still have a lot of work to do on myself. However, anymore, it seems like it’s only a matter of time.

 

I think you make some pretty great points. I don’t consciously think of it as trying to find a label, but I suppose on some level that’s what I’m doing. In terms of just pursuing my current relationship/situation, I feel like I’ve tried doing that but still find myself in the same spot unfortunately. This entire year has been fairly distressing for me. There’s definitely been some good moments but I’ve also be so preoccupied with this stuff as it consumes me. But the fact that I keep coming back to this is really problematic to me. Like you said, forcing a label can be as damaging as repressing your true sexuality. I don’t doubt that I do have feelings for this person but I think I may have gone into things too soon and without all the information. At least, that’s my fear. I’m not walking away from it quite yet but a part of me feels I should to spare her. Obviously, the last thing she wants is to be an experiment even if I went into it with the right intentions.

 

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. I want in the worst way to do just that but for some reason I’m not able to. I’m not running away from her quite yet but I do feel I need to be careful. As much as I might not “like” it, if I’m gay that wouldn’t be fair to her nor do I think it would be sustainable to me. Throughout this I have continued to pursue here and have ultimately enjoyed our time together so that’s something. Exactly what, I’m not sure. I’m trying my best not to let labels and stuff like that dictate things, but unfortunately here I am saying what I’m saying. I do feel as though I’ve come to an impasse. Only time will tell I guess.

 

@PatrickUK thanks for your response. You’ve made many great points, which I know I need to take into consideration.

not sure if you are familiar with my story, and I won’t get into all of it here, I have other posts elsewhere, but mine is not necessarily what I’ve observed to be the typical experience in discovering sexuality. I acknowledge that there is no “truly typical” experience in this realm, but mine does not seem to line up with many of the posts. I’ve read here. I am a member of a certain 12 step group, and in that group we say to “look for the similarities and not the differences.” When all of this first began, or at least began to really take shape about a year ago that’s what I tried to do. However, I did not find a lot of similarities to others in my story. There were some, but ultimately not as many glaring similarities. I suppose, none of that truly matters, given where I am today. For instance, growing up, I do not remember, crushing on, or being attracted to men. I spent a lot of my life pursuing relationships with women and enjoying that, at least that’s what it felt like. However, I did discover trans pornography in my teens and so on some level I guess I always kind of knew I wasn’t totally “straight.”

When things came to a head for me a year ago, I still did not feel or seem to be obviously attracted to men but I kept getting this internal messaging that I am gay. This coincided with a tremendous amount of anxiety. I pursued what made sense to me based on my attraction, which was trans women. This led to me meeting the person mentioned above and for a time all was well. During this time I still did not feel attracted to men. However, a few months back that internal messaging returned along with the anxiety, but still no real obvious attraction to men. But over time, certain things that seem to point to an attraction to men started to happen, minus any sexual arousal, and largely associated with anxiety. As suggested by members here, I explore the idea of OCD. Not saying that that is what I have, as I don’t really believe I do, but I was definitely obsessed with my sexuality and engaging in compulsive behaviors like testing. It has not been until recently that I have concluded that things I once felt were intrusive thoughts were probably genuine attraction on some level, despite not being accompanied by sexual arousal. As stated above, I have been extremely focused on sexual arousal over this last year.

But like you said, sexual arousal, isn’t everything and deep down I know that. So for a long time these messages I was getting, and the like kind of made no sense to me because how could somebody be gay but not aroused by men? However, it does appear that on some level there is a very slow peeling back of the layers, revealing which seems to be the fact that I am indeed gay. Why it is happening this way, and not in a very obvious, straightforward word kind of way like it has for others, I’m not sure.

Sadly, I do not disagree with you. In the fact that my relationship with this trans woman is perhaps part of my bargaining process and an extension of my denial. Like I said, I know on some level, the feelings are genuine, if only in and emotionally intimate friendship, as experienced by many gay men with cis gender women prior to accepting their sexuality. I think on some level of maintain this belief in making this relationship work because for a time it did. Unfortunately, now I’m not so sure. Perhaps that is a very telling realization I need to look at.

I do think, like the others have said, that putting so much stress on labels, and more focusing on the individual is important. In any kind of relationship, there is obviously going to be attraction to others, because our attraction does not go away because we are monogamous, but on the other hand, if this is a case of being an extension of my denial than it is not very fair to her, nor myself.

like you said, attraction is very multifaceted, as is one’s sexual orientation. In some respects, it seems so obvious, but in others not so much. But I do think that I can no longer use the fact that I’m not sexually aroused by men to justify that I could not be gay or that I am not gay.

 

“Although there is more arousal associated with trans, women and femininity, I think at the end of the day this is just fantasy, perhaps, simply just a delusion.”

If you are responding to this from my original post, it’s a bit misleading. I was using speak to text and so the comma between trans and women implies that there is attraction in arousal to both trans women and cis gender women. At one point in my life I was aroused by cis gender women and felt that attraction to be true. However, since this journey began, I seem to of lost my ability to be aroused by cis gender women, and don’t necessarily feel as attracted to them as I once felt I was. Therefore I do not believe bisexual is necessarily what it is that I am.

I am male, and it does appear at least on a sexual arousal level there is a preference towards more feminine, presenting individuals. However, given my loss of arousal to cis gender women, and this, seeming emergence of attraction to men, regardless of the lack of sexual arousal, it does on some level, feel as if I am just fighting myself.

I don’t necessarily disagree with your last statement. Although I am not the arbiter of such things, but I do think you are right in the sense that, although somebody who is straight could find a trans woman attractive, they might not be interested in a sexual relationship with them for certain reasons. However, that’s not necessarily the case with myself seeing as that is definitely part of the attraction for me. Ultimately, it’s not so much a case where I feel as if I am gay because of my relationship with a trans woman but rather that I am gay and began this relationship with a trans woman, believing that’s what I wanted, and who I was only to find out perhaps this is not the case.

perhaps it is the label thing, but ultimately it seems as though I am struggling with identifying and accepting who it is, I am genuinely attracted to and what my sexual orientation is. Sometimes it does feel as if the attraction of femininity is a way of cloaking the fact that I am gay.

 

I totally understand where you’re coming from, and in all honesty, there is a part of me that wants you to be absolutely right.

The thing is, I have not gotten aroused or felt genuinely attracted to a cis gender women since this all began. For a long while my attraction to trans women felt totally genuine and arousing pretty much without fail. Now it seems to be temperamental at best, outside of being with the trans woman if been seeing, and as stated above, I am noticing a certain level of attraction to men even if it’s without sexual arousal.

I don’t know, my friend it just seems as though the lines have been really blurred for me between what I really attracted to and things are slowly coming to a head.

I know the “straight” thing went out the door along time ago. And like I said above in this post lately, it’s just really feels like I am trying so hard to hold on to some thing instead of it being what is genuinely real. I mean come on, for years, I get off to Trans pornography in secret while pursuing heterosexual relationships. I may start exploring that side of my sexuality and hook up with and date some trans women only to further questioning my sexuality and start to feel attracted to men. I guess it could all be in my head, but is it? I know you can’t answer that, and I do truly appreciate your responses, time and advice.

On another thread, you advise me to take things easy. At times, I do feel as if I do that, others not so much. However, regardless, it does definitely feel as if slowly and uncomfortably things are being revealed.

 

I am in therapy. I am here because this is where I came when this all started to happen. Although I know that no one here can give me an answer, I have gotten some really good feedback and insights here.

 

I have to agree with the clutter and chaos comment. No doubt that on some level the anxiety, scrambled thoughts, and maybe some level of internalized homophobia has gotten me out of sync.

For awhile I kind of bought into, or was wanting to believe, this whole (H)OCD thing cause it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to have feelings of attraction or think thoughts like “he’s hot” but never experience any physical arousal.

It’s weird, anymore the things that arouse me I don’t “feel” attracted to but the things I “feel” attracted to don’t arouse me… I mean I know sex and arousal aren’t everything, but come on, you’d think things would sync up eventually.

More often than not the things that arouse me are usually non-sexual, such as romantic or even mundane thoughts about the trans woman I’ve been seeing, or non-pornographic photos of feminine presenting individuals, by in large trans women but but also some non-binary folks, which keeps me stuck in this loop. The funny thing is, is that this happens a lot when I just throw in the metaphorical towel and really try to accept I’m gay, then Boom! Erection to a simple, clothed photo of a trans woman. If it was all based on porn or genitalia, then I could see how I would be totally deluding myself.

I recognize at times that I’m really struggling and, most likely, fighting being gay but there’s a level to which I can’t get over this hump of not getting physically aroused by cisgender men or masculinity. That kinda seems par for the course, at least I’d think so.

I’m glad you chimed in. It’s good to know I’m not alone. It’s just really frustrating.