Hello all, I'm brand new to this forum, so please be patient! Thank you all! I am a female in my early 20’s, And as you can tell from the title, I am struggling to find what my sexuality is. I have done nothing with ANYONE before (never kissed, never hooked up/been in a relationship, or otherwise) I had crushes on boys throughout my childhood and teen years, but either they had no idea or had girlfriends or otherwise were unavailable, and eventually I would lose interest at some point. When I was 16/17 I developed a VERY intense obsession/crush (later I found out it was limerence) on this one girl that I ran against in track and field in high school (we weren’t really friends, just acquaintances). I had never felt that way (that same intensity) with my previous crushes, and I daydreamed about us dating, doing couple-y things and kissing and cuddling, but nothing too “rated R”. At the same time I had a crush on another track boy from a different school, but it wasn’t that intense, and to no surprise, he was also otherwise unavailable. The girl and I eventually exchanged numbers and our social medias and would talk on occasion, every time she would answer her texts, it was like a high, and every time she didn’t answer (which was often), I felt like a lowly slug. Eventually we went off to college and I continued to talk with her.. Until one day our sophomore year of college, I confessed to her that I liked her (over text). To my surprise, she took it well, and was very polite/nice and supportive (but said she didn’t “swing that way”) and I was literally crying because it felt like such a relief, even if she didn’t like me back. Eventually though, about a few months later, she blocked me on all her socials. She never reached out or talked to me again. That experience aside, I tried swiping around on dating apps for a while I was in college and there were was quite a bit of guys that had an interest in me, and when they would show actual interest, I liked the attention (admittedly) but eventually I would get bored because I had never experienced this before when I was back in high school. The thing is, since the blocking thing (almost 4 years ago now) I haven’t had any actual crushes or attraction to anyone (male or female or otherwise).. at all. I have been left in a state of confusion over my sexuality. I feel like I haven’t been able to determine my sexuality because all I have to go on is how I feel towards other people, as opposed to any physical/romantic experiences (because I don’t have ANY because A: I’m autistic and socially awkward & B: I don’t really fall for anyone anymore.) If you all have any advice on determining my sexuality (with a lack of experience) I’d appreciate it.. thank you!
glasswilderness.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
Hi @glasswilderness, nice to meet you! I just learned a new word today! Had to look that one up haha. Now I know what that's called I actually think that feelings are usually a pretty good indicator. I mean, think of it this way: most straight people knew who they were attracted to without having to do anything physical, right? I don't think being any other orientation is too much different, at least that part anyway. And it's okay to be "picky" too! For instance, despite having a very high libido, I only find myself crushing on someone every like, 5-7 years. Because of that, it did take me longer than others to figure things out. You're still really young too... you might just need that time. A label might help you, but not having one shouldn't hold you back either, if that's something you're experiencing? I would say just keep doing what you feel comfortable with at your pace, and explore your feelings.
Hey welcome to EC. Try not to worry too much about getting things sorted. I know it is hard but sometimes I think it is one of those things that the harder you think about it, the less clear it becomes and sometimes if you try and out it to the back of your mind the answer shows itself. Do you ever get drawn to people (male or female), say characters in tv shows? Or if you sit in a cafe and watch the world go by? You don’t have to see someone and want to jump in bed with them or imagine them naked in order for you to be attracted to them. I’m not saying you do, it’s just when I was figuring out my sexuality, I initially struggled with my attraction to girls because it was quite subtle, I never looked at them and thought wow, or looked at them and had the urge to kiss them etc, I just I guess always wanted a best friend, I yearned for that closeness to a girl.
This is a great point. This would have been so helpful to me when I was young because for so many years I assumed being gay meant I’d have super obvious feelings toward women. Like I’d be constantly wanting to be with them sexually and if I hadn’t had those thoughts then I must not be gay. A big part of why I hadn’t though was because I truly didn’t see it as an actual option. I’d never met a queer girl in my life so I had no conception of what being attracted to women could look like.
This is how I felt about guys while growing up. I did not have the urge to kiss them or sleep with them but wanted to stay close to them. I thought I wanted someone strong and protective. Felt like holding hands with someone cute. So maybe why it took me time to figure it out.
I crushed on various guys from puberty on, and fantasized sexually about them, and about girls - I came close to having sexual encounters at times as well with guys, but was like petrified with terror inside! - I'm questioning and searching much later in life, and I find that queer-related Meetup groups are giving me a way to spend time with other queer folk and to grow in my understanding of who I am, and to learn with them, from them - and to gain support in safety as I search. ( ' ,
My first crushes (what I understand now as being crushes) were to other boys in school. I didn't recognize it for what it was because of my horrible body dysmorphia (so I assumed it was just my desperate desire to look like them). The terror/anxiety never really went away. My first attempt at sex with a guy (escort that I developed a crush on) was a resounding failure. Good luck!!!
This is a difficult one to answer. Firstly I would say that it isn't important that you know what your sexuality is right now, maybe with time you will settle on a label that suits, or maybe not. It doesn't matter much in the long run. If you've never done anything with anyone then you don't have a lot to go on. If you don't mind me asking, what is your sex drive like? Are you on the pill or anything else that might affect hormones? I found being on the pill really subdued my sex drive. Do you fantasise about the physical side of sex or not really? Does that give you an indication of preferring men or women? If you're looking for a romantic connection primarily, it might be that not knowing what you want sexually makes it difficult to allow yourself those feelings towards someone. This might not be a popular suggestion but it could be worth trying to have a hookup. You might have to be brutally honest with how you approach a prospective partner though, explain in advance you have no prior experience, you're a bit confused about your sexuality and you find socialising a bit awkward. Hookup apps are full of self-centered and/or damaged people so you would probably have to do a lot of filtering before finding someone appropriate and happy to go at your pace, but maybe able to take the lead a little. A woman would maybe be ideal but a lot harder to find than a man.
One aspect that I have found since I slowly began to see and accept I am gay, is that I have come to believe that same sex couples have stronger relationships than mixed couples. Some people might say I'm presumptuous and even biased, but I don't think mixed couples have the same connection and intimacy of same sex couples. My feelings anyway.
