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Mistake to contact old flame?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Sep 1, 2023.

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  1. mlansing

    mlansing
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    A little over a year ago I dated this guy briefly. Things started out well but then at some point he lost interest and I just let it go. On a whim, I texted him last weekend and he suggested we catch up over coffee. I said let’s be in touch later in the week, and so I texted him today about it. He said he was free Sunday, and we talked about meeting Sunday for coffee, but without a definite place or time yet. He seemed a bit less enthusiastic compared to when we last talked about it…

    Am I making a mistake barking up this tree and/or digging up old skeletons? My feelings have been stirred up again and I really want to see him, but a part of me also feels like I’m being a bit pathetic/desperate at the same time. He had all the information he needed a year ago, so why am I expecting it to be different this time?

    If he wants to meet up we will meet up, but I can’t help but feel that I’m just setting myself up for disappointment all over again :frowning2:
     
    #1 mlansing, Sep 1, 2023
  2. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! I think if you approach the coffee meeting with no expectations and only make it about 'let's catch up,' it could still be okay. That said, it looks like you are building up your expectations.

    What was the reason for you to text him in the first place? In some ways, it's not about him and what he decides to do, rather it's about what you are hoping to get out of it.

    You are taking a chance here, that's for sure, but it might be good for you to reflect on your motivations and try to assess how realistic they are given the first experience and the time laps.
     
    #2 Mirko, Sep 1, 2023
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  3. mlansing

    mlansing
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    Thanks. I am not sure what my motivation was other than to give it one last shot. I agree about keeping expectations low; that seems like the only reasonable way forward at this point.
     
    #3 mlansing, Sep 2, 2023
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  4. Black Cat

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    Feel excited. Life is short, messy, and full of surprises. But keep in mind that, at the very worst, you’ll have the singular experience of a good coffee with an old connection and maybe make a friend. :slight_smile:

    As someone who tries to keep in touch with most of my former flames, I too struggle here. But let yourself feel excited. There’s nothing bad about that.

    I really love what Mirko mentioned about your motivation behind reaching out in the first place. I think that’s the real root of what you ought to ponder here. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Black Cat, Sep 2, 2023
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  5. mlansing

    mlansing
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    It turns out he is seeing someone, so it doesn’t look like this will pan out. Back to square 1, but at least I tried. Thank you for your kind responses <3
     
    #5 mlansing, Sep 3, 2023
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  6. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    I don't think you had a great deal to lose in this situation. You only dated briefly in the past, so it's not like you entered into a long term emotional investment. I would be more wary about reconnecting with someone who had really stolen your heart and possibly hurt you too. In these cases we really need to define our intentions before agreeing to reconnect.
     
    #6 PatrickUK, Sep 4, 2023
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  7. mlansing

    mlansing
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    Plot twist: he texted me today saying his partner broke up with him over text this morning, and now he wants to reconnect. I am rather confused, because back when we first were seeing each other he stopped reaching out to me and eventually unmatched me from the dating site and deleted my number.

    He said he was flattered that I wanted to hook up because he didn’t think I wanted him that way, but I don’t recall giving him any indication that I didn’t. I have a lot of questions that I will need answers to before we proceed. A part of me is excited but the other part is weary. Fortunately he is traveling overseas soon and we agreed to not be in touch until he gets back so he can process the breakup.

    He was also talking about how he does want to try fwb once we have found a balance in our friendship, but does mean he does just want to be friends? Now my BS reason for wanting to reconnect is being exposed, because I’m not sure I want to get back together of we’re just going to be friends. But on the other hand it’s way too soon to say “let’s start dating again!!”

    This is just a lot to process rn, but I will see what happens. I think I’m going to have to be willing to still walk away from this one if need be.
     
    #7 mlansing, Sep 4, 2023
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  8. mlansing

    mlansing
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    For my own sanity, I think I’m going to need to go into this only expecting friendship or fwb, or at least telling myself that’s all I want. If I don’t go in expecting anything, I will be less vulnerable to getting hurt a second time.
     
    #8 mlansing, Sep 4, 2023
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  9. Mirko

    Mirko
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    I think going into it with 'let's build a friendship' is probably going to help you much more in figuring things out, including your feelings and attractions towards him at this point. You are still making yourself vulnerable and trying to give something a chance but in a way that would allow you to give yourself the time to process things to understand yourself in relation to him better.

    You have raised a couple of questions and points that are worth a pause and taking it slow to the point where you have a chance to get to know him without introducing more conflicting feelings and questions.
     
    #9 Mirko, Sep 4, 2023
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  10. Tightrope

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    When I first looked at the title of this thread, I thought that this might be about going far back. I think of old "relationships" from time to time.

    In your situation, about a year is nothing! That's pretty recent.

    I think it's kind of cool how you reached out. You might realistically get to friendship or FWB more so than something serious. That's what I think. With his being open to it, then a little less interested, and now having just broken up, is he an all over the place sort of person? That's a lot of shifting.

    I shift physically ... I'm usually out and about when I'm not snoozing (lol), but I don't shift when it comes to people I like and where we treat each other well. If someone is like a bouncing ball of inconsistency, then I'd tire of them or just go for the moment, if you know what I mean.

    What I'm reading into this is not to expect too much.
     
    #10 Tightrope, Sep 4, 2023
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  11. Jakebusman

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    Do you wanna date him again or would you just be cool as friends ?
     
    #11 Jakebusman, Sep 5, 2023
  12. JT1999

    JT1999
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    A good friendship and good sex sounds like an excellent foundation for a relationship. I can understand why a lot of people prefer doing it this way around to the conventional dating route.
     
    #12 JT1999, Sep 5, 2023
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  13. Tightrope

    Tightrope
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    Yes. And it could also stay a good FWB arrangement - good friendship and good sex. Neither are guaranteed to last forever, so it's all good.
     
    #13 Tightrope, Sep 5, 2023
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  14. mlansing

    mlansing
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    I like that approach. Since this is new to me, though, I’m wondering if it would be acceptable to ask that we not see/sleep with other people while being friends with benefits? Or does that totally negate the whole purpose of it? Doing my best to calm my ruminating thoughts while allowing room for this to unfold naturally at the same time. When I initially reached out to him I felt like a dog chasing a car, with absolutely no plan as to what to do if I caught up to it :laughing:
     
    #14 mlansing, Sep 5, 2023
  15. kwhale53

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    I agree with the seeming consensus, M! - Try getting together and see where it may go or grow as you two spend more time exploring what your relationship is and might become- expectations can be difficult, cuz they are real - and exciting! - and I think too keeping them low is wise, if you can do it! but we're all on a journey, ya? and it is a hope, I believe, in each of our hearts that we'll connect with folks who truly care for us as we care for them - or with that special intimate one
     
    #15 kwhale53, Sep 5, 2023
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  16. JT1999

    JT1999
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    I've had errr.... quite a lot of these arrangements in the last 6 years and it's rarely smooth sailing, maybe its easier with two guys, but they have all been good while they've lasted. I actually had an "old flame" DM me about a week ago and it was nice to talk to her again, she ended our arrangement because there was no chance of it becoming anything with long term commitment. We stayed in touch for a while but drifted apart eventually. She's been in a relationship with another woman for two years and was asking me for advice, seems their sex life has dwindled away to nothing. I did wonder if she was thinking about asking to see me again, but she didn't. We had great times and I can't understand how she's ended up in a relationship with no sex.
     
    #16 JT1999, Sep 6, 2023
  17. JT1999

    JT1999
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    Well, I guess you both would need to know if either of you are sleeping with other people so you would need to mention it. Safety first and all that. It does kinda negate the purpose of it but depending on what your sex drives are like, it might be that one person is enough for you both. Me and my boyfriend started out as FWB as we were both into each other but our lives didn't match up, I was 19 and had just started uni, he was 29 and just quit his job to work for himself, plus we no longer lived in the same area. But nearly 6 years on we are very happy and committed to each other.
     
    #17 JT1999, Sep 6, 2023
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2023
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  18. JT1999

    JT1999
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    Aaaaand she has asked to meet up with me for a catch up and a chat. I’m thinking it’s probably not a good idea but I don’t want to turn her down. I think I will suggest going out for coffee & cake or maybe dinner.
     
    #18 JT1999, Sep 18, 2023
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  19. JT1999

    JT1999
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    Sorry for taking over your thread, I made a new one of my own. How are things going with the old flame?
     
    #19 JT1999, Sep 18, 2023
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  20. mlansing

    mlansing
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    Thanks for asking. He’s on an international trip right now and we agreed to reconnect when he gets back, so the jury is still out and what’s going to happen. There are times that I really feel like this has a chance and other times I feel like such an idiot for thinking that. I don’t know how I’m going to try to be fwb while hiding my true feelings, but I guess there’s only one way to find out.

    There’s also the possibility that he was down about the breakup and was rebound texting with me. In other words, I feel I should also face the potential of never hearing back from him, which would suck real bad but would at least be a clear indication to move on.

    But then I think, what if things really do just work out? Again, only one way to find out.

    All that to say, I’m just trying to be patient until or if I see him in person again.
     
    #20 mlansing, Sep 19, 2023
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