Constantly doubting my gender identity

Hello Victoria,

I'm genderfluid, and prefer dressing as a man, but with distinctly feminine touches. Have you ever thought of dressing mainly in unisex clothing, when you're feeling doubtful or in a panic? Like a safe zone you could establish for these moments when you don't want to think about identity? I like to wear men's bracelets, and necklaces, but they tend to be thinner ones, and feel more feminine than chunky ones. A simple, mid-sized unisex watch and some CK one, also helps. (You could always wear chunkier, more masculine women's jewellery if it helps?!)

I can totally relate to you saying you "will have difficulties being intimate with another person as male and female seems more right in regard to that." I literally couldn't be intimate with women, until I understood myself more. I tried, with girlfriends, especially as a young man, but felt nothing. It was very depressing and confusing. To me, it's simply about being more like a woman than a man in intimate situations. More loving, more honest, more open, with more eye contact, more touching, more tenderness, to enjoy giving as much (in fact more) as receiving.

Anyway, I won't go on... I'm here if you want to chat more and I hope that you're having a nice day.

 

Hi Victoria, I haven't responded to your message until now partly because it appears you have a lot going on - Aspergers, OCD, depression and being trans. I know little about the first two but I don't doubt that there they probably play some part in what you are feeling.

One thing that I felt reading your original post is that you really need a friend or friends who can understand all this in the round. If I may ask - why does the OCD preclude you from seeing friends any more?

Hope you can navigate a way through all of this.

Hugs, Beth x

 

Hello Victoria,

You're more than welcome. It certainly sounds like you are fluid at times, so it is probably a good idea to look more into gender fluidity and find places where you can talk more about it with people who are experiencing the same feelings. I believe that it doesn't have to be binary identities you can switch between, but also between binary and none-binary.

It turns out I'm not actually genderfluid! I thought that's what I was, as it seemed to fit. However, someone explained recently that it appeared more as though I'd always had this gender identity, I was just in denial about it beforehand. I didn't realize this until very recently, again it is well worth continuing to explore and understand yourself more. I'm still not sure what I am, yet, but get closer the more I look into it. I've decided to start seeing a counsellor, about it all, and am booked to start next week.

If you feel comfortable dressing unisex, then it's probably a good fit for you. Perhaps you just need to find a safe place to experiment and build confidence from? I believe it is quite common to dress that way during the day and put on a show when out on the town. It is a huge step to go from binary male to binary female, full-time, so I'm not surprised you have found it a struggle at times! You have been very brave.

Do you socialize with other LGBT+ people? If not, it may be a very good idea for you to search out groups in your area that you can attend.

Whatever you are, it sounds as though (like me) you were deeply uncomfortable with a binary male identity. If I were you, when in doubt, I'd recommend looking back and asking yourself if you really want to ever go back to that? I used to suffer terrible social anxiety, trying to be something I wasn't ever going to be (masculine), and I don't regret turning my back on it at all, it's the best thing ever to happen to me! (You could always go for the more gender-neutral "Vic").

I hope you are having a nice day, too, anyway. And, as I care for someone 24/7, I'm usually around if you want to reply.

 

Hi Victoria. I'm a closeted transwoman also in my 30's as well. Please be patient and easy on yourself. 3 decades is a long time to spend playing a gender role, and whether it's who you really are or not, you can't just turn that off all at once. I'm sorry that you've had difficult emotional responses to gender presentation. Listen to those responses because they can teach you about what you need, but don't judge yourself for them. You're doing great at something very difficult.

 

I think this is the nub of the matter. We are not trans people in a vacuum. We are part of society. When I first came out it was during lockdown in 2020. There were days and days, sometimes a week or so when I wouldn't see anyone. I wouldn't hear my name being spoken. There was no-one to bear witness to how I was changing inside. And there were times when because of that I doubted myself - 'is this really for real?'

I needed affirmation, particularly from female friends. On the occasions when I did meet up with them, my heart leapt with joy. I felt seen and accepted; one of the girls (which is all I've ever wanted to be). And, crucially, I knew I was on the right track.

I would persist with old friends - if they truly are friends then they will understand. And the counselling group for LGTBQ+ people sounds a good idea and a possible new support network..

Good luck!

Beth x

 

Hi Victoria,

Yes, I get a sense of where you are coming from, though I can't truly imagine how challenging it must be to have to deal with this internal war whilst also having to manage aspergers and OCD! I know how important routines are for people with aspergers, is that something you struggle with? I imagine it must be very difficult to establish routines for everything, with so much turmoil going on. I really hope that you start to find helpful answers soon.

I'm glad to hear that you've taken the step of attending the counselling session tomorrow. I'm sure it will be very helpful for you to meet with other trans people and receive some professional support. Is it local? Are you looking forward to it? I hope that you let us know how you got on... Have you ever contacted any supportive LGBT+ charities about your feelings?

You said that intimately you didn't feel happy as a man. I know I certainly use that as the core foundation on which I base the acceptance of my being different. I guess I think: "if it's there right down to my most primitive instincts, it's who I truly am?" I need to see things back-to-front, to see the lady driving and me as passenger (not just in the bedroom, but in a relationship too), from there everything soon started to open up to me! And yes, it was an amazing experience... It was truly life-changing and even if I died tomorrow, I'd leave feeling a sense of inner peace and self-acceptance that was truly alien to me beforehand.

I do need to look into bi-gender (as well as androgynous/demi-androgynous). I've actually ordered a book on gender identity, too ("You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Hoxman-Fox), so am hoping, along with counselling, to get a better idea.

Anyway, I'll leave it there. I'm a bit like you in that I've dealt with this alone for 18 months, it is nice to be able to talk to someone finally about it! You're always welcome to chat to me here if you want to.

 

Hi Victoria,

It's nice to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear you didn't manage to make the trans meeting, but it's good you still went to the LGBT+ community house. What sort of place is it? Do they have somewhere to grab a coffee and chat to people? Do you think you'll start going there more?

I do understand how difficult it must be for you to accept yourself. You've taken a big (and very brave) step, it must be a constant battle for you to try and justify it, both to yourself and to the outside world. At the very least, though, you haven't made the decision lightly, have you? You genuinely have issues with your identity as a cis male.

It may be healthier to shift focus from your male/female thoughts (many women also struggle to live up to the brainwashed images of perfect women--in that respect you have much in common with the majority of women!) and perhaps do some focused therapy (either by yourself or with a therapist) on your qualities as a person instead? Most of these qualities are universal, between genders, so surely building a strong foundation, from which to build the rest on, makes sense?

As I said, I could never achieve intimacy with women. Sometimes, when I was younger, with girlfriends, we tried for hours and at no point did I feel anything. In private, also, it wasn't possible for me--I just, without thinking of it, pictured them (the women I fancied) with other men. I didn't know how to process it so that I could see myself with them.

I later found out I'm submissive, couldn't translate it so I was the man, and once I realized this I started seeing myself with women always. It was difficult to grasp as most of that is shown in a fetishized way. I'm not attracted to BDSM in the slightest. To me it's simply about the role, being the passenger, rather than the driver. That is how I know deep down to the core I'm never going to be 100% cis male. It was never there for me. I think accepting this was the most important step I took, from there everything else has been relatively easy (I later accepted I was bisexual, without a second thought).

Anyway, I'd better leave it there. Take care of yourself. I hope that you're feeling okay and have a nice weekend!

 

Hi Victoria! I wondered what had happened! Don't worry about it, I know what you mean in not feeling in the mood for forums and social media etc. I don't always feel like discussing identity, either, as it can be demanding.

I think it sounds like the most natural thing in the world for you to feel like you do. You aren't attracted to men and you're submissive, so in your mind... you cannot see yourself as a man? (We're brainwashed from birth into thinking women are submissive to men, so you have to see yourself as a woman in order for your sexuality to switch on?)

It seems you're happier as a woman, yet still not comfortable. Have you thought of focusing on your fitness? On cardio and stretching? What I mean is that fit/slimmer men and women have similar bodies. It may be you'd feel more comfortable being in that in-between zone (but on the female side) physically?

Have you managed to find your niche yet? If not it is well worth looking through the many types of submissive, it helps you to understand yourself more and relax in who you are. I think most sub missives like feet in some way or another. Being at someone's feet is one of the most common symbols of being subordinate. Again, it's not weird, it's normal for submissives, I think. I think normally the man tends to the ladies feet... So, for you, that means the dominant lady tending to your feet, yet... As you're a sub, it has to be an act of humiliation, not deference?

I found it much easier to be myself once I accepted I was different. I found it impossible to chat up women, when I was trying as a man: my voice would shake, I'd stammer and fluster. I'm pretty relaxed around most women now. So, I would say I found it much easier once I accepted myself.

 

lol I wouldn't say I was wise! I think it's just easier to see it from the outside, perhaps, looking in, than the other way around. I did find that sorting out my social anxiety helped a lot, especially in relaxing enough to understand everything more clearly when I was around people.

Well, it's great that you're attending a fitness course, good for you! I think that exercise is a very good way to build good foundations from. It's something you don't need to give much thought too, but can constantly distract yourself with some mentally undemanding planning ahead. It also lets you get closer to your dream physique with each session (not matter how little). I think the important thing is to just enjoy it, not push it, but to take your time and let it become a part of your daily life. Anything torturous will soon become too much hassle!

I'm sorry, I wasn't able to access the photo it says I don't have permission to view media. It's okay, though, I'm honestly just here to message on the forums, one thing I like is the anonymity and if people start sharing their photos it loses that a little.

lol I'm not sure that tickle torture is a niche! I'm not well up on BDSM, but it will be part of a niche and you'll get a much better understanding of yourself (and feel far more confident in who you are) if you find the right niche and read up about it. It will also help you to start opening up to your true nature, start thinking about different people in that way.

I wouldn't say I "approach" it in any way, really... It's not really like that. It's more a feeling, a vibe I have about myself... More like when I accepted it, I stopped fighting to be something I wasn't and just relaxed about who I actually was. I can just chill and enjoy time with a woman, now, it's just so much nicer being around women when you're not trying to impress them as a guy... I just go with the flow, now, and... I guess... Before I'd pay her nervous compliments... Move on... Try to think of something cool to say, try to be like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, nervously make lame jokes... Now, I can just get lost in her, it's similar, but much sweeter and gentler, like saying her hair looks nice, but... whereas before I'd look around nervously, then blabber out the first thing that came into my head... It's natural? Like I'd just take the time to look at her hair properly, maybe ask if I can touch it if it's going well, look into her eyes and smile and she'd smile, then just relax and chat about the food or drink... Ask about her kids, her life... It's just natural conversation, now.

I think, also, I do look up things to chat about before dates, but I'm relaxed about stuff like that now. It's more a case of to remind myself in case she is nervous too, remember some basics to chat about, to ease any nervous tension, whereas before it was out of desperation? To have something to say? And I'd be desparatley running through the list of topics blurting them out one after the other... I do think you should just do that, learn a few basic conversation starters, then relax and not worry about dating. I mean it's honestly no different to chatting to someone in any other situation. It doesn't have to end in romance, so long as it's a nice and pleasant time, it's good experience. One thing I learned, try not to sit directly opposite one another, but to the side a little, so you both have some space, especially on the first date. Try to go somewhere, also, where there's plenty of external stuff going on to chat about (such as a walk in a park or the shops, first, before a sandwich and coffee etc.)

I think the main feeling was just feeling confident in who I am. I have a woman's wallet, that looks unisex but helps me remember always I don't have to be a guy anymore. Same with bracelets, fragrances, a white phone instead of a black one, just little things. Nothing obvious, but to me it matters a great deal. I no longer have to impress anyone with how masculine I am? I can just be myself and forget about gender completely.

Anyway, I'd better stop now! I hope you enjoy your exercise course and look forward to hearing how it went.

 

No worries Victoria, I'm happy to hear that my advice helped you! And yes, there is something wrong with the site I think, I've struggled to log in and just got logged out when I tried to respond.

Yes, absolutley. It's a very very subtle change in my thinking... More just a sense that I don't need to be a man, more than trying to be anything else. It just causes me to relax totally.

I think you're right to say you just need to accept it and talk to people anyway. I do still get social anxiety, but in the past I'd be terrified what people think of me I don't care in the slightest anymore. I mean... You see people like that (with minor speech impediments) all the time and don't think twice yourself. It's the panicking and flustering (about looking weird) that causes people to feel awkward, not the difficulty speaking in itself. I do still have wobbles, but just continue without any stress about it. I find that explaining I suffer social anxiety helps take the pressure off a bit.

I do think you should research different flavours of BDSM and submission. The tickling itself doesn't sound like a niche, more an aspect of your niche. It sounds like humiliation is your thing, so perhaps look into which submissives go for humiliation? I mean, would you like being ordered to wear something embaressing in public as a punishment? (Or even a reward!)

I find it helps so much, having a good grasp of your sexuality. It opened everything up to me and I started fancying many more people, it's like I finally felt natural, instead of like an alien, if that makes sense. I only ever fancied perfect-looking, younger, athletic women, I now really like full figured women. They drive me crazy if I'm honest. I met a lady who was ten years my senior, was very full figured and had 8 children! Her confidence, experience... her lust for life... I melted totally for her, was like overnight putty in her hands. (She was happily married and lived abroad, though, so nothing came of it.) I couldn't even concieve of women like that being attractive until I understood myself, understood myself better. Researching and understanding what makes you tick, will open doors in your soul that have been straining for years, decades even, to burst open. It was an amazing and deeply profound experience, and everything came from that awakening.

 

I do feel sorry for you Victoria! I "suffered" shyness (or rather social anxiety) for many years, decades even, my entire teen and adult life until recent years. I don't know how to put it... It's something you need to embrace, instead of fear. It's pretty much the same as coming out, except you're coming out to yourself as a shy person... I was in denial about it, trying to be "normal" all those years. It's only when I truly accepted it I started to actually get back to being my "normal" self.

I was shy as a kid too. It's who I am... I think shyness is fine and attractive to many people. It's when it becomes social anxiety that people find it offputting. I found there was the real me, tied up in all these suffocating knots of social anxiety and it wasn't the way I looked or my shyness that was offputting, but simply the flustered panicking state the social anxiety caused.

Anyway, it's great that you have a good understanding of your BDSM side. I'm the same in that I don't find 99% of it attractive, which made it very difficult to understand (most of it is about whipping, restraints and punishments).

I do think, also, if you're serious about experiencing this side to you, then you need to start relaxing in who you are? It sounds like you're hoping to attract someone who is nice, but also playfully dominant. All I can say is, you'll likely attract far more suitable romantic partners if you're happily sweet and shy, than if you somehow manage to appear confident anyway.