What are you thinking?

I'm staring at a blinking cursor in MS Word, hoping I can get another line or two added to the manuscript in progress.

 

I’m thinking of how I lost the genetic lottery and ended up not only looking like my father but being the only person in my generation to have the genetic condition that runs in my dads side of the family and causes problems daily. If I didn’t hate my father I might not be as mad but my father is a total asshole and I didn’t miss him when I dreamed he was dead. That leaves me still living with my my parents because of the degenerative disability they gave me, even if they did it inadvertently.

 

I know it's supposed to be very theraputic. I'm happy for you that you're able to do that at home, it must be very rewarding and help to take your mind off everything (not just your life but the state of the world too.) I do write in a journal, and find that helps me in many ways... How long have you been designing? And do you still find it easy to get work? (With all the advances in tech?)

The lady I'm seeing has a son with autism, too, so I understand to a degree! He has to have his routines, also, and like yours gets upset if things change. (I hear he plays Minecraft a lot, which helps him to calm down.)

To me, it's just a gut feeling? I just feel happier away from tech. I do have an addictive personality and soon became hooked on online shopping, social media, the internet in general etc.I respect not everyone is like that, but it was like a constant white noise grinding away in my soul for many years.

That sounds really tough for you. I'm very lucky in that I don't suffer pain or illnesses, and even then I find it hard work to stay motivated and keep on top of it all. For the dishes, I put them in the bowl and soak them in hot water, then they've just about washed themselves half an hour later when the water has cooled enough to put your hands in. I also stiched together two tea towels so I could leave them to dry on the rack overnight (saving me having to dry them also).

I hope that you're doing well, anyway, and having one of your good days today. I'm sorry for the late response, I've just been busy of late and not had the energy to respond properly.

 

First half of summer: Super hot, wildfire smoke blowing directly into town. Literally felt like a representation of Hell.

Second half of summer: Cold and rainy. Gotta take what you can get I guess

 

I've only been designing full time since about 2020, when I gave up on GIMP and switched to a more powerful, better program. With GIMP, it's been about since 2013 but I didn't do much other than add text to photos. Now I know how to blend a few together in Photoshop Elements, and make a unique picture/painting that looks like it was a scene out of a book.

Writing is my therapy when I'm able to do it. Once I'm deep into a story, I can write over 10,000 words a day, if I have the time for it. On average I can get about 2-6 thousand a day, if I just park my butt in the chair and go.

Oh yes, routine is a must for people with autism like my son. He hates having anything changed at the last minute and will have an anxiety attack if he hears thunder. We live in an area of Canada with a terrible power grid, and the electricity can go out without anything happening. It'll short circuit itself without warning. (Long story, our power company is horrid).

You're not the only one who is happier away from tech. I have a pal in WI who left social media completely and although I miss them horribly - they were one of the most sarcastic, dry humored and fun person I've met online - I get that they were hoping to do more in real life, like travel around the continental US and maybe even visit Canada at some point, as well as spend time with their family and more. So I can get that. If I didn't have to have the internet for work, I'd probably be offline a lot more too, and reading real books. My e-reading app is convenient and all but nothing beats the feel, smell and sight of a physical paperback or hardcover book.

Thanks. I have trigeminal neuralgia, occipital neuralgia, and glossopharyngeal neuralgia (face, back of the head, and ears and throat respectively), carpal tunnel syndrome from typing so much, diabetes, high blood pressure (that's dropping, I've lost a ton of weight) and a few other things that just wear me out. Plus I am a carrier for the ADHD gene, so I show signs of that, and if you know anyone with ADHD, you know their minds are always going a mile a minute when they're feeling great... Worse if they're exhausted and such from everything and being overstimulated. Thankfully my spouse is ultra understanding and gets it. He helps when he's able to and so does our son. I'm grateful for both of them, and so glad I can work from home doing what I love. I could work if I had to but where I don't have to, it's a blessing, a big one.

Thanks! No worries. I'm in and out of here every few days... Work, exhaustion, migraines, flare ups from the neuralgias/nerve pain and more. Plus I've been on the go sometimes too... When my spouse has the day off, we're always on the road, running errands, visiting family or just taking a day trip to get me out of the house. No worries on the delayed reply. Life happens to all of us... As son's speech pathologist used to say. She's right.

 

That's what our area was like. Hot, humid, tons of wildfires around the area, so bad that we were told to not go into the woods. Then BAM, it turned wet, hot and humid. Now it's just wet and humid. Temps are warm but not too hot.

 

I use GIMP too, occasionally, but have found it isn't as reliable as it used to be since the newer versions came out. (I actually uninstalled it and went back to 2.8 again.)... I have Photoshop Elements, too, but it's so slow on my ancient PC I rarely bother to even boot it! I generally just use them for sprucing up my holiday and days out photos and restoring old family ones.

I can totally relate to it being your therapy. I find writing, well, journalling, very helpful in life. If I have a problem--whether it is what order to tackle a project in, or something more personal and complex--it just helps to freeform/brainstorm it all daily. It's like a haven of common sense to me. I did initally start out in journaling software (OneNote), but found it too restrictive and now use a Filofax A4. One of the best investments I made, though... Well, two, actually. I made a simple shelf above my main desk, to put my monitor and speakers on. I then got a wireless keyboard and mouse set. I can now reclaim my desk fully from the tech in a matter of seconds! It is always something I feel relieved to do.

Well, good for your friend! I bet she is much happier. I quit Facebook over a decade ago, now. It's something I've never once regretted doing. I still look at Instagram, for 5 minutes at a time, but don't really use it to socialize, just follow interesting people. Same with YT. I think half the problem is... people become unconsiously addicted to being made angry or incensed... The social media companies know this and exploit it (especially Twitter and the media). It's an awful way for the world to be.

I'm very sorry to hear about your health problems. I can't even begin to imagine how testing it must be for you, and to have to run a household and care for your son on top of it. I'm glad for you that you're with someone so special and understanding. He must be like a rock for you to steady yourself when you need it... Mum has stenosis and suffers regular bouts of vertigo. I can handle all of that, but it's when she gets deeply depressed about it (and is so clogged up she struggles to speak) that it's much harder.

Anyway, I need to start my day now so I'll wish you well on your own.

 

So glad I’m in my new apartment.

 

Going on a short business trip next month, perhaps it’s an opportunity to be myself in public for a change.

 

I hope that you have a good trip. It's always exciting to go somewhere else where people don't know you, perhaps as deep down we want to change ourselves and can't in our present circumstances? So... what do you consider is being yourself? Will you dress any differently do you think? Or do you just mean to act less masculine, like you were brought up?

 

Thank you

I’ve dropped the overly masculine act some years ago, since then I mostly act the way that comes naturally to me.
I was planning on dressing much differently than I usually do and taking a leisurely stroll trough the city I’ll be visiting, hopefully looking and feeling fabulous

 

Well, I hope that it goes great for you then and that you enjoy the freedom to express yourself naturally. How far will you go? I'm sorry, I'm just curious as to how you dress! I like to wear unisex clothing, but nothing more--not as I'm scared to but as this is how I feel right.

 

I’m usually wearing unisex clothing, too - both for comfort and utility, and feeling fine in it, without attracting unwanted attention.
This time though I want to go out presenting unmistakably feminine - a semi-formal midi dress, classic pumps, pea coat… I just hope I’ll be able to deal with the make well enough on my own, since usually I get help in that regard from someone with much more experience than me

 

Wow, I bet you'll look amazing! You have a keen sense of fashion by the sound of it. I do think you're very brave to do that, but I'm really happy for you that you're able to! ... Was it always like that for you? I mean, when you looked back (when you came out to yourself?) It was for me, though as I say, more unisex than feminine. I don't think I've ever had any desire to go further than that.

 

Thank you
I’ve realised that there is much more feminine than masculine in me in early childhood and still continues to be so to this day - and I’m absolutely positive that I’d be much, much happier if I would be born with a female body… But, well, fate decided otherwise, it seems, so I’m working with what I have.

 

It is amazing isn't it? When you look back at your life and have lots of tiny realizations about yourself, stuff you used to fight but then accept.

I'm very sorry to hear that you feel that sense of dysphoria about your body. I've read others write about how much turmoil it causes them... I've personally never had that. My feeling is more... if the person likes and wants me, it doesn't matter.

 

Yes. It like a myriad of things, moments and memories suddenly make sense, as pieces of puzzle falling into their places.
I’m lucky, dysphoria was never as crushing for me as for many others. When I realised what it is, it became quite manageable.

Feeling liked, appreciated and desired is fantastic, perhaps some of the best feelings a human being is capable of… But is it possible to feel them in any meaningful capacity, unless you have some love for your own self?

 

I've spent most of my life training in my sport (gymnastics & rhythmic gynmastics), I've competed nationally and it has been serious work, but in terms of outright strength and endurance a man my weight would probably get to where I am after spending 6 months in a gym. I have serious man body envy sometimes, my boyfriend seems like he is another species compared to me. The capability difference is huge. I would love to know what its like to live in a man's body, at least for a while. I have dreamed and fantasised about being a man many times, but its never been more than that. You have to learn to work with what you're given and having love for your self is pretty vital. So many people live their life hating their body, even when they're completely happy with their gender, so I hope you are happy with what you've got.

 

I think that it's true what you say. Many are unhappy with theirselves (either their weight, careers, fitness, lacking confidence etc.). I think you can still feel desired, though, and appreciated fully. It's different for everyone, right? Someone may feel relaxed in the bedroom, though unhappy at work. They can love theirselves as a spouse and/or parent, though may not love theirselves in other areas.

 

Yes, such feeling are not unique to trans or non-binary people, sadly they’re not even rare.
That said, both males and females have their strong sides and weaknesses. E.g. might be harder for you to increase your strength, in general, flexibility should easier for you that it would for a man.
While I can’t say, at this moment, that I’m happy with what I’ve got, but I’m working on making it closer to what I want it to be.
P.S. About endurance… Before covid pandemic, I used to run long distances competitively and routinely seen women having an easier time (as much as anything can even be easy after 18th mile) than men of similar skill in marathons and longer distances.

Yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly. It is absolutely possible to love oneself in some aspects and feel otherwise about other. The problems is, that the negative thoughts/feeling/beliefs can spread and pervade all aspects of one’s life, sending one flying a downward spiral of misery, which can be pretty hard to get out of.