Dad hurts my heart and driving me towards a breakdown

Hi everyone. I was last active on this site years ago but just kind of outgrew it since then. Now I'm back because I'm really stressed and hurting from one issue: my dad. To those ready to stick with me to the end of this long story, thank you.

I hate how complicated things have become with him. He's been a black sheep of the family for years now because his modus operandi for basically everything in life has been to smooth-talk and screw anyone over if he can gain from it. It's like living with a shady used-car salesperson. Naturally he's a big Trump admirer, presumably because he wishes he could be just like him.

The reason I say this is because I never cut him out of my life. I don't feel it's because I'm such an angel, but because I just never had the assertiveness to do so. He's had something of a remarkable turnaround on his narcissism in recent years but I'm literally the only one of his three kids who still talks to him. We do actually have enjoyable conversations sometimes, but he has shared how sad it makes him to be so isolated. I haven't had it in me to tell him I won't tolerate him.

Yet now into the meat of the matter: he's one of literally only two close family members I'm not out to, about being bi AND a leftist, something it seems he is entirely oblivious to. He will carry on freely on the phone about how great DeSantis and Ramaswamy are, or how evil the Bidens are. I don't think he hates LGBT in general (my half-sister's married to a woman and it's not a huge deal) but he once used the term "trannies" in all its filthy bigoted context. His family from the south have been eating the propaganda for generations. I've not let him entirely get away with it, trying to clarify certain issues where he's repeating demonstrable lies and misunderstandings. But also, I haven't resisted with all the strength I should have, and now I have been humoring his fascist-adjacent attitude for long enough that changing course would be very painful for us both.

This would all be more-or-less okay if I weren't so fucking special to him. All I do is smile and nod when he says his awfulness and that's enough for him to see me as the golden boy of the family. I have since moved a long way away and hoped I had seen the last of him. But he is pushing for me to come and visit him. Not only do I not want to waste my limited time and money to see just him instead of the people I actually love and support, but I am over being in the closet. Not just about being bi and dating a guy (he might not care) but for the fallout of him learning that I find his politics abhorrent and unacceptable. I'm running out of excuses. I don't even want to change his mind; I just want him out of my life and am too much of a weakling to have that conversation Can anyone share some wisdom of what to do if they've had similar experiences? Thank you so much to anyone who can offer support.

 

Thank you both for the answers. A slight update: I came out to him as bi over the phone and he took it remarkably well. I'm hoping that plants the seed that causes him to make the final necessary changes. I made tentative plans to visit him a few months from now and plan to be visibly out. I can play nice for a few days if he wants to be a dick, and can act accordingly after coming back home. But I anticipate it will go well and at least reduce if not eliminate the tension I feel with him.

Much love <3

 

Thanks Blue I guess for awhile I just kind of outgrew the site and didn't want to make a dramatic goodbye post that garners comments like "This isn't an airport; you don't have to announce your departure" lol. But I could probably do with popping back in from time to time to give back to such a helpful and vital community.

The thing with his politics is that he's hardly a right-wing stereotype. He's college educated and seems to avoid the overtly Nazi-ish stuff. But also always finds a way to condone the Nazi-ish stuff. I'm going to try to avoid politics if/when I get to visiting him because as I said in my top post, I'm not committed to changing his mind. But if he wants to go there, he'll have to deal with the fact that his team is hurting me directly. Maybe it'll flip a switch in his brain hehe. I'll be sure to update afterwards.

 

I perhaps understated the changes I wish he'd make by calling them "final" but he has changed a lot from who he was years ago. He always tried to be a good dad to us but there was the constant presence of a completely arrogant, rude, conniving drunk who cared for little more than his own wealth and ego. But he has actually confessed to all of that on his own after having had a "come to Jesus" revelation that would be corny if it weren't real. Religion truly has let him make huge strides in his character.

That said, he's still a dyed-in-the-wool Republican. At risk of making this thread too political, it seems he utterly ignores any of the real issues abound (ahem the GOP golden boy staring down the barrel of like fifty felonies) and is stuck on whatever the Bidens et al. are allegedly doing. I agree it's impossible for us to change each other-- my wish is that he'd be able to break out of the propaganda himself and see that there is little good in that entire political bloc. It's lies born from conspiracy theories born from racism going back to the antebellum era. He's a smart man, and I dare say one who tries to be good, but maybe in too deep to be able to accept an idea such as that his entire political worldview is built on malice. I don't think I'm prepared to ask "why" because it strikes me as arguing with a flat-earther: there's a false premise at the bottom and it's up to them to decide not to support it anymore. But politics especially are such an emotional issue for many that they might all but purposely avoid a logical Eureka moment because it feels like part of the conspiracy.

^The optimist in me says he might think of me whenever they bring up legislation that hurts LGBT people, and someday he'll turn the corner. The realist says he can mental gymnastics his way out of conflicts by somehow separating me from the theoretical ne'er-do-wells they talk about on Fox. But as I hoped I got across in my earlier posts, I feel like I'm in a good place however it turns out. If at any point he wants to complain about LGBT people, that's my ticket out of a relationship with him. If he continues to accept me and looks at LGBT concerns with a little more humanity, that's also a win.