Married and out to wife of 20 years as Bi, now what? Stressed!

Eric.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary!

*****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you.
*****I went through a very similar situation a number of years ago. I came out as gay here on Empty Closets in 2014. At first I said that I would never come out to my family and would take my secret to my grave. However, that secret held power over me and continued to cause me depression, guilt and self-hate. With the help of the great people here on EC and a wonderful therapist, I came out to my wife in March of 2016. It was the most difficult thing that I have ever done, but it destroyed the power that the secret held over me. I was able to start healing after the secret was broken and I am so glad that I came out to my wife. Since then I have read posts from other men who have come out to their wives and there are some rather significant similarities in the reaction of the wives in many of the situations. I can see some of the same similarities in your situation. Many wives in this situation feel a fear of abandonment. They fear that their husband will leave them and go in search of a male companion. That also leads to a fear of being unable to financially support themselves. Especially when the marriage has lasted for a number of years, the wife fears that she will be left to fend for herself when she feels that she isn't equipped to deal with everything "out there" that her husband has been taking care of. It's a fear of the unknown. Like you, I did not want a divorce. My wife and I had been married for 38 years at the time this all happened. We had built a life and a family together. In spite of accepting that I am gay, my family was more important to me than a boyfriend or any hookups could possibly be. I assured her that I had no intention of looking for any kind of gay relationship and that I did love her very much and did not want anything about our marriage to change. I just needed to stop hiding who I really was and accept myself. I didn't want to broadcast to world or to our community that I was gay and that it could be kept to ourselves. My whole point was to assure her that nothing significant about our lives was going to change. I was just going to be able to admit to her that I was gay. Due to health issues we had not been intimate for quite some time, so that was not a problem. We agreed that we would not tell our three sons unless a reason occurred that made it advisable. Since this happened in 2016, we have told two of our three sons and they have accepted it very graciously. I don't know how close my situation is to yours...but I hope that my experience will somehow help you work out how to navigate yours. Coming out later in life is difficult. Our society forced this on so many of us. But at the same time, I have three sons and nine grandkids and I wonder what would have happened if I had been out and stayed out in my twenties and thirties...etc. It's a thought that I don't like to think about. For right now though I want you to remember that you are a part of our wonderful LGBTQ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how things continue to unfold.

Some info on how to navigate EC:
When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum:

*****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

*****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message.

.....David