Sorry I’m new and posting this so soon but my mind is going insane over a guy and I’ve no one to talk to about it. I haven’t been in a relationship for 7 years because a guy I was with for 5 years brutally cheated on me. A few months ago I met a guy on a night out. He’s 30 and I’m 33. I meet plenty of people on nights out and have a kiss pretty often but I never want to take things further. But with this guy we connected instantly and if love at first sight is a real thing this was it. We’ve become really good friends over the last few months. We get on so well. We enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes it feels like there’s no one else in the room when we’re talking. We share so many life stories. He looks after me in the sense of making sure I get home ok or making sure I’m ok or calling me out for my overthinking which I appreciate. He also tries to treat me by paying for things which I absolutely don’t allow and always make sure to pay him for my half of everything. The problem is he has a boyfriend for the last 3 years. His boyfriend seems like a lovely guy. He said he would never cheat and I would never want him to. I wouldn’t trust him myself if I saw him cheat with me or with anyone else while he has a boyfriend. I met his boyfriend last week because his boyfriend followed us to a club and I felt like “the other guy” so I tried to keep my distance. He told his boyfriend to stop being rude to me - I didn’t even notice he was being rude. Then he immediately tried to set me up with someone while his boyfriend was there. His boyfriend left after about 20 minutes. Then I saw another guy I was interested in and kissed this other guy in front of him. I’ve done this a few times to try hide my feelings. With this guy in particular my crush but his hand on my back to encourage me to kiss the other guy. When we’re out together people see our connection, accuse us of being flirty and think we’re in a relationship if they don’t know otherwise. When he’s with his boyfriend he’s planning the next time we can go for drinks and making sure it happens. He’s always commenting on how good I look. A friend asked him what he thinks of me and he said “he’s my type but he made it very clear from the start that we’re just friends”. Go me right, being a good person (ish). Last night he called me cute, said my eyes are amazing but his body language in the taxi home was something that took me by surprise. He sat turned towards me with his arm behind my headrest. My body language on the other hand was closed off compared to this. I’m not very good at reading body language but this felt very clear. I’m being very careful. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I think we could be very good friends for years. But I definitely have feelings for him and I feel like it’s reciprocated. I’ve never been in this situation before so I’m very confused. I don’t know whether to tell him how I feel or drop hints that I would be interested if he was single. I also don’t want to ruin his relationship. I will never act on this while he’s in a relationship. Or do I tell him how I feel and say that I can’t be friends because of how I feel? I don’t know his boyfriend but I don’t want to hurt his boyfriend either. I know that’s not really my responsibility but I know how I’d feel if I was his boyfriend and I don’t feel right about that. Writing this all down seems to have comforted me a bit. But it’s really affecting my anxiety. I panic more when I think of him making a life decision like buying a house with his boyfriend (which he isn’t ready to do yet). He doesn’t want to get married. But I feel like I need definitely say something if I ever hear of him making a life decision before it’s too late.
It's a crappy situation to be in but I don't think it's very difficult to know what's right to do ethically. He's in a relationship and you have to respect that. If he behaves inappropriately you have to draw the line and remind him that you're just friends. If you can't resist telling him how you feel, or you don't see those feelings going away, then you have to end the friendship. If you go along with his flirting, then you're effectively enabling his emotional betrayal of his relationship, which for his partner could be, to use your word, "brutal". He could always choose to end the relationship. But I don't think it's ethical to try to make that happen.
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Do you mean end the friendship without telling him how I feel? Some friends are encouraging this situation while others are telling me to be cautious. I think I’m being cautious because I’m scared of getting hurt. Is it selfish of me to tell him how I feel while he’s in a relationship? Or what if he’s waiting for me to give him the sign that I’d be interested? He won’t cheat, I fully trust that he won’t. But he might not break up with his boyfriend unless I give him a clear sign. That’s if he even wants to break up with his boyfriend. I’m so confused. If everyone else can see how much we like each other surely he can tell I’m into him?
This is actually getting to me too much. I think I have to say something to him next time I see him. I think I’m going to say something like “a lot of people think there’s something going on between us and it’s making me think there might be something going on. I know if you were single I’d probably hope something would happen, but you’re not single. But I just wanted to see what you think? And if there’s nothing going on then I’ll just ignore it.” Is that a good approach?
To be frank, yes, yes it is selfish. I mean you say yourself that the best-case scenario is that you break up his relationship. You haven't even said anything that indicates he's not happy in his relationship. Why would you want to do that to him or his boyfriend? If he wants to end his relationship, he can do that without assistance. And frankly if you value the friendship, it's just not somewhere you want to go. I've been on the other side of this one a few times and frankly I always felt disrespected, like I was supposed to somehow feel bad I wasn't available. In all but one instance I tried not to let it affect the friendship but it always did. I know it's not what you want to hear, but in my opinion, you should leave this one alone.
I agree. Starting a relationship with someone else getting hurt is never a good start. I think it’s worthwhile being honest with yourself as well about the friendship. I, for one, do not consider someone I have feelings for a “friend” in the traditional sense, because I believe friendships are neutral. A good/neutral friend would be happy for him and his relationship and wouldn’t be thinking about breaking them up. I understand you have feelings for him and he very well may have feelings for you, but that may be all the more reason to distance yourself and find someone who is available. An old saying that I like is that you can’t just fall for the guy, you also have to fall for his circumstances. Even if he did leave his partner for you, can you be sure he wouldn’t do the same to you one day? Best of luck in sorting things out; I know how hard it can be when you really like someone.
When love is involved, it is really hard to maintain a platonic friendship, especially when you felt "love at first sight". We often hyperfocus (=crush on) people we are closest to because we see them so often, building up idealized visions of them in our minds to soothe our own loneliness. So, probably the first thing is to not direct all your romantic intentions at this taken guy. Yes, you might have been single for a long time, and there are always other potential partners who are romantically available. I agree about keeping your distance if you can't get over the strong romantic feelings. Let this guy make his own choice about whether to stay in his current relationship or not, and there is a risk if you keep bringing this up with other friends, they will think you're trying to encourage the "brutal cheating" you were trying to avoid in your past.
Thanks for all the advice. Based on what you said and based on what a friend also said I decided yesterday to just drop the whole thing and see if I can just be his friend. I’ve had crushes on friends before and when they pass I’ve ended up with a great friend so I have faith I can do this, and without getting hurt. If he wants to approach the subject he can and I’ll be fine with it even if by the time he does it I’ve moved on. What’s bothering me is that any friends I’ve spoken to about this know my stance on cheating and know I don’t want him to cheat. But yet their advice (even today) is to keep going for it or make him aware or tell him everything. I’m taking the advice about dropping it, being cautious and leaving it alone as the good advice. But I don’t understand why a few friends (even new friends who don’t know my history) are encouraging this like it’s some kind of rom com. Are they just excited at the thought of seeing it unfold? Or do they really think that’s good advice and think they have my best interest at heart? I’m going to try block that out but I’m curious why there’s such a divided opinion on this. I don’t believe they’re bad people.
They may not be bad people, but they also have nothing to lose by encouraging you to go for it, whereas you do. Regardless of what other people say, do what’s best for you.
At first, I was going to ask you, "Are you sure you're in love?" After seeing that you've been friends for several months, that could very well be. But, first, ask yourself if it's love, sexual attraction, or a strong like. Then, you could be add more realism by really looking into this person and being honest if there are things that you wouldn't like or accept about him over time. It's time to take off the rose colored glasses and be truthful about what might not be so great about him. I'm only saying this to help you take him down from this pedestal. I'm also wondering if, with those compliments of him, you're taking them at face value or if he could just be casting a wider net to broaden his possibilities. I don't know. It has become easier to tell if someone is interested in a more lustful way. Do you really sense that sort of interest coming your way from him? Paying for things is not that reliable of an indication. I think the boyfriend felt threatened by you and was reading into the situation, perhaps rather well. He may pick up that your glances toward the object of affection are too long or have that intensity ... the kind we can pick up on if we're being extra vigilant. This is a recipe for disaster. I think everyone would stand to lose if you went ahead with having to tell him what you really feel. He may or may not tell his boyfriend. If he does, the boyfriend will push to get you out of the picture. Everyone will wind up fighting or, at the very least, be engaged in friction. If being around him is difficult for you and brings on this intensity, then you need to keep your distance and find other friends ... even if they're just friends. If you've cooled things with him and, after a good while, he and his boyfriend have parted ways, he may reach out to you. That could be legitimate. Maybe. Or he may not and move on to someone else.
