What was your experience as you shifted/transitioned to gay?

I'm not gay, I'm a bisexual woman, but I came to this realization a bit later than most people - at the age of 20. I considered myself straight up until that time; I did question my sexuality at 14-15 but decided it was just a phase. That was because I wanted to bury my same-sex desires due to religion and fear of disappointing my parents. After coming to terms with my bisexuality, I realized I'm actually much more into women than I thought, I just buried it deep. With the acceptance of myself and the improvement of my mental health, I started to experience more attraction, especially towards women. I also analyzed my past attractions and realized that what I thought of as purely platonic attraction towards some girl friends in my youth, were actually crushes.

 

To be honest, it's been a disappointment. I'm kind of a traditional guy and want to have a stable, monogamous relationship, but I don't want to just settle for someone. That puts be outside of the norm of most gay men. I'm thus am lonely and alleviate it by focusing on parts of my life that don't involve my sexuality.

 

Yes, that's right. At that age I considered the possibility of being bisexual because I had a crush on my (female) teacher. But it coincided with the time when I was getting ready for my confirmation ceremony. The priest told us a lot about hell and I got really scared, I didn't want to be a sinner and go there.

I didn't have any crushes on women in the following couple years, so I thought I was straight, and that crush was really just platonic admiration. Not long ago I realized that I did in fact have crushes on women after that, I just wasn't conscious of them.

 

Hi, I am 49, a bi woman in a straight relationship. I have always known I wasn’t straight, most of my crushes have been on real life women or guys in films. As I have got older I have accepted myself as part of the lgbtq community, some days I embrace my queerness in the way I dress, other days I pass as fully straight. I’m not fully out, just a couple of friends and my partner. I read a lot of queer literature and gain a lot of comfort from it.

 

I also would like to add, I have chosen to be in a straight relationship, and this brings complications as it’s hard to not appear totally straight.

 

I had no clue about gay relationships at all. I learned a lot from empty closets! I prefer a stable and monogamous relationship and need an emotional connection. I have realised this is not easy. Prefer to be single than be in a bad relationship just for the sake of it.

 

I always knew (responding to above). By the way, this message board really has technical glitches ... logging me out if I type too long ... blocking edits ... so I had actually said more, but I'm going to retype it.

 

I'm not sure I'm the right group to respond but I'll give it a shot any way. I was fortunate in that I came out sort of as I was starting to build my adult life--right after college thirty years ago. I think I always knew I was attracted to men but convinced myself I was bi and dated quite a bit with women. My first experience with a man I was attracted to (not even sex, it was just a kiss) made me realize that what I felt for women wasn't at all on the same level. As I came to accept that I was gay any lingering attraction to women completely faded. I dated men for about 5 years and had a really great time of it. Then I met my husband and we've been together for 25 years--couldn't be happier.

 

I have felt gay all my life but it wasn't until later in life I came to accept it. I 2017 was the year I finally accepted I wasn't straight and started my journey to homosexuality. It was a journey because I initially claimed to be bisexual. I wasn't ready to go from "fake" straight to gay. I had to go through stages to arrive at my final destination, which took a lot of internal and private reflection. I started off as a Kinsey two, then went to a three in 2018, four in 2019, five in 2020 and finally six in 2021. I'm not sure why it took me that long though I'd guess I needed an adjustment period to see how the new "label" fitted even though deep down, I knew I was gay. Holding on to heterosexuality just for the sake of it.

Even admitting and accepting I wasn't straight was a major step forward and very liberating. By the time I accepted I was gay and not bisexual I was ready and very much wanting to be gay. I love being gay. I knew I would. Accepting homosexuality for me is a private thing. I don't have to tell anyone if I don't want too as the most important person knows. Me.

 

I grew up in a big extended family where no one was even adult and single (except the priest uncle and the nun aunt), much less gay and out. Even today with dozens of cousins, I have a lesbian niece and one or two younger relatives whom I would suspect were gay, but no one else even sets off my gaydar. So although I absolutely knew I was attracted to boys and was pretty obviously gay, it was largely an incidental thing, and I assumed at some point I would meet a girl I liked and we would have the family full of kids that I really genuinely did want.

By the time I was in high school, I was much more conscious of how much more interested I was in guys than girls, and in college I had a roommate that I had a crush on for years. He came out shortly after I graduated but made it clear that I wasn't his type. In fact, I came in contact with a number of gay men in my late teens and twenties who made it clear I wasn't their type, and frankly the feeling was mutual. I never felt any of the shame people talk about relative to being "same-sex attracted" (I had other character traits that I was far more sensitive about), but it was terribly inconvenient. The bitchy, self-loathing "Boys in the Band" types seemed kind of unpleasant to me and eventually I did find a woman who made me think I could ignore the gay. We had 2 kids and nearly 20 years together, but she had some major emotional issues (borderline personality, hoarding, chemical imbalances and some physical abuse) that led to my "pulling the gay card" but agreeing to stay together for several more years while the kids grew up.

While I really had no definite plans to jump into the gay world (after 20 years of marriage I was actually looking forward to being alone!), I found EC and checked up on possible resources for determining my future. A few months after coming out to my wife, the unexpected happened and I met a guy who I felt I couldn't live without. My wife and I formally split and I moved in with him, and we are still together 9 years later. We plan and God laughs.

I'm actually somewhat surprised at how very little my life has changed, I had 50 years before coming out to establish who I was, and a lot of the hiding I did had much more to do with trying not to set my ex-wife off and trigger her criticism and anger. If anything, I'd say I am more relaxed and more content, and more upbeat and friendly. I'm not a social person by any means and have few close friends, but that's more by choice because of my personality than anything else. My ex and I are friendly since we stopped living together, and my relationship with my kids is m than before. I have made a few forays into the "gay community" but I really wasn't impressed and have not felt any great need to jump in. As I said, I am not a social person, and "belonging" to anything stresses me out far more than it comforts me. Also, the "community" gays and lesbians that I have become friends with seem to have a uniformity of attitudes towards politics, religion and relationships that I don't share, so I'm much happier being who I am, even if it means being just me and my guy. While I don't fly rainbow flags so that strangers know I'm gay, I think everyone who knows me at a personal level knows it and I am not even remotely secretive about it. But that's really how I have always led my life in general - if you are a trusted acquaintance, I have no secrets from you, and if you are a stranger, you know nothing about me at all.

As usual I over-shared, but you get the idea. Our experiences are all unique and depend on who we are to begin with, Good luck working your way through. I'm more content and happy than I ever was before. I wish the same for you.

 

This is a lovely post, you give us all hope of genuine happiness

 

Wow, choirboy, loved your post. So parallel to your experience personal and political. I just want to be with the man that I want and to be left alone minding my biz.

 

Not sure of this applies.. I left my male partner of 18years because I liked this women.

I knew my ex because we went to school together/our parents knew each other.

I doubt I would have got with anyone if I didnt know my ex. Once I was with him I wasn't actively looking for someone else.

I have started to meet different people and change my life. My family are not interested in my life so it's hard to gage.
I am a different person to how I was...
I can't help but be reminded of the person I like and still do.

I am becoming more comfortable but I wouldn't go around telling anyone.... I always think I will know of there person is right.

 

Mine was unexpected. I’ve seen people on Empty Closets talk about how they knew about their homosexuality before they came out. Something I can’t relate to because that didn’t happen for me. Prior to my coming out I always thought of myself as a straight man. Since I only felt romantic feelings for girls not boys. Until one day when I imagined myself in a sexual situation with a boy. Even though I didn’t know how I would feel about it, I ultimately enjoyed the experience. It filled me with a lot of happiness. Which made me question how I looked at girls and boys in a romantic sense. The conclusion that I’ve come too at least for now when I've taken the time to think it over. I could see myself kissing a girl, but not wanting a relationship with a girl. Whereas with a boy I could see myself wanting both.

 

I was always scared of being gay, or so I thought. I finally realized I wasn't scared of being gay, I was scared of being 'found out'.

A lot of people on EC on see this in retrospect.The mind can play tricks on you and do crazy things to try to protect you.Most later in life had some combination of denial or repression. With men here, many write write off gay fantasies as a fetish or kink, and rationalize "I have a girlfriend(or wife)" or "I look at women and think they are beautiful".

Once they begin to accept themselves, many gay men realize they had no real interest in women and in fact were a little repulsed by the idea of sex with a woman.

I had a similar experience where I read a post here and someone asked "Who would you imagine coming home to, saying I love you and kissing them?" I did this and realized it was easy to think about the guy and get really excited about it, and I had to force myself to imagine a woman, and it wasn't that exciting. But I had never LET myself think about a guy, so I assumed that everyone straight just felt that way.

The same with sex. I was always a little apprehensive during sex with women, and really just wanted to get it over with and orgasm. It wasn't until I had sex with a man that I realized the reason. With a man I didn't want it to be over and was so into pleasing him that I didn't even care if I orgasmed.