I don't know where to start. I came out as bi but I'm having issues with navigating sex with the same sex due to trauma. I have a partner and he's honestly the most amazing guy I could ever ask for and I'm not complaining about the relationship at all. I don't want to leave my partner for a girl, that's not what this is about. It's mostly an overview of my interactions with girls in a romantic sense and trauma bothers me. When I came out as bi, I was in school and unfortunately I got picked on mercilessly. What bothered me the most was the girls that continuously sexually harassed me everyday and just mentioning it makes me want to vomit. Because of that experience, I've shut myself off from experiencing romantic interactions with girls and it bothers me. I've had crushes on girls but due to my past experiences, I struggle to approach and talk to girls romantically. There's this part of me that is incredibly afraid of going through what I've gone through again and I can feel my body shutting down whenever I interact with a girl I'm attracted to. I want to have the courage to talk and navigate sex with girls. I've already done it online as it is easier and it feels amazing. But in real life, it's completely different. I don't know. I'm just rambling.
It appears that the bullying from girls you experienced when you were in school created some internalized homophobia, or even just a social anxiety when, as you say, romantic/sexual thoughts enter the picture with another girl. On some level most people do fear what they have not yet experienced, regardless of what that experience is. Online interactions are filtered through a screen and distance and so, at least for a person who doesn't take those interactions very seriously, can manifest as digital courage, lowering inhibitions, just like liquid courage that alcohol provides in social settings. I think the beginning of overcoming this is just knowing it's there to overcome. That appears to be the case already, so step one accomplished. You may need some therapy if you feel this is important enough. The emphasis of the therapy should be more about the trauma and working through that bullying you endured, and then the phobia/anxiety you are experiencing may lessen as a result. Just know that at least some of what you are describing is actually just natural.
Thank you for your reply! I believe that therapy is needed but I think I'm hesitant to talk about it. This is the first time I've fully been open about this and I'm still struggling to process that what happened, happened. I'm not opposed to talking about it, I just feel my body shutting down every time I think about it because of how severe it was and it's frustrating. I'm glad that it's natural to feel this way and looking back at my post, there's a possibility that the trauma may play a huge part in my anxiety around pursuing girls romantically. Once again, thank you for your reply!
School years (I found) can be very toxic and abusive. Everyone is thrown into a pit together and made to fight for their lives. I'd try to remember that most people were in the same boat, and just looking for any excuse to raise their profile (so as to avoid being bullied theirselves) by putting others down. I bet most of the bullying was through fear--that your having the courage to come out would make you stronger--and plain jealousy (as you had the confidence to come out). I think things do improve with college--and certainly at uni, where most people act more responsibly and respect one another. I agree with @Wanderlost, that it may help you to do some CBT to see the world in more realistic colours? And move away from your traumatic school experiences. I think most counsellors could help you with this. You should try at least looking into CBT counsellors in your area to get a better idea of what support is available.
