What is like for gay man to be in sexual relationship with woman?

Initially my wife and I were sexually active. It was easier for me to be attracted to my wife initially. She was athletic and a bit of an unconventional free spirit. Over time I found it not possible to repress my attraction to men. Even as we’d kiss I fantasized that is was a gay friend of mine that I was kissing and sex with her was only possible through fantasy of my dream man and I making love. Eventually, my wife’s alcoholism make sex With her all together an impossibility.

 

As gay men, we have to realize how hurtful and unfair this can be to a woman. They can sense that something is wrong with your sex life as a couple and they internalize these feelings. My wife knew something was wrong and blamed herself for not being attractive enough. Only through my honesty and coming out were we able to deal with it. We now have a healthy relationship based on friendship and companionship but without sex. We get our sexual needs met through other people. Open marriage is a separate topic, but I just wanted to point out the value of honesty in a relationship

 

I completely agree and would be happy for my wife to have her sexual needs met by others. Your relationship with your wife is nearly ideal and it's wonderful that you've been able to carry on as companions in a close healthy friendship. I know, however, that I'd be happiest in a long term loving relationship with another man. But I guess that you can't have everything that you want and would be content if she could peacefully accept and understand that I am homosexual through no fault of hers or mine and that we could continue on a relationship through accommodation of that reality. Unfortunately, she's not the type of woman that I can reasonably expect her to react in that fashion and i would expect an upheaval. That's why I've been closeted for so long through our marriage and only recently have come out to a few people.

 

I totally agree with this and think it should be said on here far more often. In many posts about this topic, the woman barely seems to exist as an independent entity with her own desires, needs and rights. People in this situation have a responsibility not just to their own happiness but to the happiness of the woman as well. They don't really have the right to continue indefinitely what they know to be a sham relationship that the woman would probably end if she were better-informed. The woman only has one life too.

I can't imagine the reaction to this piece of news is ever "peaceful". It might get there eventually, or it might not. But why shouldn't you have to experience an "upheaval"? Surely she will be experiencing an upheaval at least as large. Shouldn't she have the right to the truth, and the right to make her decision based on that truth, even if that means ending the relationship?

 

Absolutely she has the right to the truth. Just to give a more accurate history I began the marriage with every intention of being able to fulfill it in every way sexually and emotionally. Sure I had same-sex attractions but at the time still considered myself straight even though retrospectively a therapist, had I seen one back then, would have suggested that I work through my layers of homophobia and come to grips with my sexual orientation.

My relationship with my wife began to spiral immediately after she had children. She manifested a continual struggle with addiction that has remained intractable even following multiple attempts of rehab. I've tried to hang in there for her in hope that she could finally live with sobriety. The struggle with her addictions nearly as much as my sexual orientation has put us into a position where sex diminished as a factor in our relationship. Anyone who has lived with an addicted partner knows what I mean. This has given me the opportunity to examine who i am without the self-deception of external expectations and come to understand and accept that I'm truly gay. I have tried to support my wife through her struggle even as I have struggled myself with my attraction to men.

It has seemed to have gotten more difficult with time to not live completely out and begin a new relationship. I do want to be fair and supportive with my wife and I'm very sorry that I couldn't come to knowledge of who I was sooner before we married. There will be a blow up if and when I come out to her. I worry about her and her stability as much as I would like to avoid unavoidable unpleasantry..

 

Oh I see. That complicates things a lot. I can understand your desire not to add instability to an unstable situation. Also I would never blame you for getting into the relationship or even for staying in it when you were in denial.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. Do you think it's possible that your wife will get to a place of stability?

 

I'd like to think so but if history has any validity of predicting future events it's not likely. Guess who gets the blame from the wife, children, family, and friends if she goes completely off the rails? Yes, that would be me.

 

^^^ Even so I’d like to retain optimism that the situation will work out for all.

 

Funny I had a similar experience and felt the same way when I went down on them, but I have been conditioned to think I should be on the other side so we swapped and I ruined it lol. Just realised now how conditioned I was ignored my own feelings!

 

The rush to try and finish and get it over with is something I have experienced with my ex as well. It really was a chore she began to question me so I would give her oral to please her and keep her quiet. With a man it is really in the moment and feels so right. Why do we deny ourselves!

 

I also always mange to convince myself I am not gay because I really admire the beauty of a female. But really I’m just like that gay guy who has lots. Of female friends. I have come to realise I admire them in that manner, not in the manner I thought I did. That is I thought I admired them sexually but I just adored their beauty in a non sexual way and was perhaps jealous of their glamour slightly lol.

 

This is very common. I realized I was doing this and that I actually did not get aroused or even want to look at naked women. I was interested in their clothes, their style their glamour. I even acknowledge now that they look sexy but I do not get aroused by them.

 

I remember just wincing trying to give oral and thinking "When will this be over"! And even intercourse, i just wanted to orgasm and be over with it. The problem was in denial I just thought that's how sex was and I didn't have anything to compare it to. On the other hand when I get on my knees and look at a guys' bulge in his underwear its like entering a candy store!