I am more stressed, anxious and depressed than I have been for a number of years! I'm still getting through the days and working and eating - though not sleeping well - but I feel like I'm hanging by a thread at the moment! A quick list- 1) very much missing my estranged 20 year old daughter (always miss her but more than ever at the moment). 2) brother in law has been staying for the past six weeks and could be potentially many months more - so I don't have time and space to myself anymore (I work from home and he doesn't work) 3) relationship is suffering because my wife is very tired from work but now spends her brief time while she's home and awake with her brother - so we haven't had time to talk properly or barely see each other for a few months now! 4) feeling quite socially isolated because all my friends/workmates are straight and some are homophobic and I'm not out to any of them. Also, because of my anxiety and my people pleasing and avoiding of conflict - I find it very hard/impossible to get what I want or to have my way in things - I always go along with other people - sometimes to the point where I feel like people are taking advantage of my "niceness" or "easy going" nature. Also because of these things I find it hard to communicate properly with most people so people tend to misread my intentions and get upset or cross with me. So today a work colleague/friend I've worked with for 20+ years has got upset/jealous/annoyed/hurt that I sometimes work with other people (we're in the music business) and is trying to force me to make a choice between NOT working with other people or sacking him basically. I preferred to keep things casual and work with different people at different times (like EVERYONE else in the music business does?!) but he's decided to pretty much bully me into making this decision. So now I've been sort of pushed into a confrontational situation that I didn't want where I have to sack him and now it's 2:30am and I can't sleep because I have to work with him tomorrow and I don't feel like (because of all the other things going on at the moment!) I have enough emotional energy to deal with any "drama". Especially because it's entirely my show and I have to try to focus on entertaining people, remembering lyrics, trying to sing and play properly etc..... Thanks anyone for listening! I don't really have anyone IRL to talk about this with! I will be making appointments to go back to my psychologist because I think I probably need help getting my background levels of anxiety and depression back under control..
I guess that's part of the bigger problem - I don't really have any close friends and my family (parents and siblings) is not supportive or helpful at all. I find it hard to make friends because of my social anxiety so I have hundreds of acquaintances but no one I can really talk to! Usually my wife is 100% supportive and helpful and is my best friend but things are difficult at the moment. Sorry to write so much - though it has been a bit helpful getting it out on "paper"..!
Don't worry about things like venting here or not, because this is what the forum is for and to get advice for your worries, just focus on what would make you happy and setting boundaries, though it can be very hard. If you don't set boundaries, then others will continue to use you and you will burn yourself out. Anxiety medication and therapy can help. With friends I don't have loads of advice to offer, since I don't know about anyone from the lgtb+ community in real life either, but I can suggest looking into lgtb+ centers and attend events and make new friends within the community, so you'd have others to talk to, but also talking here really do help as well.
Nameerf76.....Musician and teacher here. So sorry for the pressure that you are under. I do think I understand the situation with your musician "friend". I have many times had to work with other musicians in groups where one of the members of the group had to be the "prima donna" and make everybody else miserable. Somehow this kind of person just doesn't see the grief that they are causing for others. They only see how things affect them and sometimes have no empathy for anyone else. That's when the ultimatums start..."do it my way or I'll quit", "if I can't sing that part, then I won't sing at all" or "It's either him or me, I won't work with that guy!" I don't know for sure if this is what is happening to you, but it sounds like it is similar. Then you have the situation at home where it sounds like you are not getting a chance to relax and be "conflict free". You can't do much about your straight friends/workmates, but you might be able to take your wife out for dinner and have a bit of just-the-two-of-you-time. You might even be able to share some of your frustrations with her and hear her frustrations also! Maybe see if there are some ways to make things better. Does your brother-in-law need some boundaries or is it just his presence that is making things difficult? As far as you wanting to be non-confrontational...there is a difference between being confrontational and expressing your opinion. There is nothing wrong with expressing your opinion as long as it's done in a way that doesn't attack anyone personally and is not not done in anger, etc. You have a right to express yourself, especially as you seem to be the person in charge! Being the boss is always more stressful than just being "part of the show", but that doesn't mean you have to take all kinds of unnecessary "attitude" from other members of the group. Believe me, I know...been there and got the lumps! I hope some of my rambling helps a little bit! The music industry by itself can give you plenty of headaches, you certainly don't need any more from home! Don't be afraid to talk to some of the people who are part of the problem (don't call them that! ). With some luck things may smooth out! .....David
Thanks David - yes that's exactly what's going on with this musician! It was awkward but I had to let him know we'd be using other people because it was really starting to bring us down, stress me out and make it less fun for everyone...! And yes with the brother-in-law - he's fine, you couldn't really ask for a better house guest! I'm just used to having space to think through things and keep on top of my anxiety etc. And it's not that he interupts me or anything - it's just knowing someone else is in the house..! I know I just need to put up with it for now but it's also a bit stressful that it's open ended - he's looking for a job for "while he's here" now so I imagine it will be at least a few months more... It's a small house too so you can't really get much space to yourself. It's gotten a LITTLE easier since I talked to my wife about it - because we just got used to the dynamic of her coming home from work, we talk about our day, we have dinner, watch some crime dramas and go to bed! But now she tells her brother about her day and we don't really have the same time together... I don't like to be too set in my ways but it's also quite a big lifestyle change that I wasn't asked about beforehand - it was just "my brother's going to stay for a while". I just wasn't mentally prepared for 6 months or more! Thanks for listening though! It really helps to get it out!
So another update - my brother in law has rented out his (interstate) house and is looking for a job here so I'm assuming he's planning on staying at least 6-12 months. There are a few issues really - one is the house is pretty small and very open-plan so there's no where you can really be out of earshot of each other except in the bedrooms. Two is he doesn't do any chores or help out with food or bills - I do his washing, put his dishes away, do all the shopping cooking etc. - of course this would be expected for a relative staying for a few days/weeks but if it's going to be a year or more..? And I guess the main issue is why can't I say anything? And it's mostly my anxiety and my lack of assertiveness - also added to by the fact that I'm not earning much at the moment (due to anxiety issues) and I feel like it's sort of more my wife's house (as she's paying for most of everything) - now SHE doesn't make me feel that way - that's part of my own insecurity. In fact I've always felt quite powerless in life - as if things just HAPPEN to me - almost like I'm an observer - maybe I don't have a very strong sense of self or something - I almost feel invisible a lot of the time. Again no one is MAKING me feel this way but it's a problem I've always had. And situations where I feel like I'm NOT on control (like this one where I wasn't asked or told about anyone moving in long-term) make me really stressed. I have told my wife these things but her reasons are basically that her brother doesn't have any other options - long story short - he was intending to travel around the continent but he's having health/anxiety/car problems and now can't travel and can't go home because his house is rented out. So MY problem (not having time or space to myself and having to do extra chores) is a much smaller problem than HIS. Which I DO understand but it's still difficult for me. And having no end-date is stressful too. I don't know what the answer is - I HAVE been going out as much as possible but I'm also trying to work at home too (which is made harder with someone else here all the time too). Sorry to write so much, I really don't have anyone else to talk to!
