Advice for family of an alcoholic?

I don't know if it's ALWAYS the case but from my experience and observations usually drinking is a symptom or a coping mechanism for bigger problems which it sounds like your brother has - anger, violence etc...
And it does sound a bit much to expect congratulations for getting sober if you're still actually drinking...?!
(I struggled with alcoholism and anger issues (though not physical violence thankfully) due - in hindsight - to my Anxiety and PTSD)

 

Yes i guess I was in a similar position to your brother (I stopped drinking nearly 15 years ago!) Our dad was very violent and angry and I tried to beat my problems by forcing my way through life and not facing any of my problems until I REALLY had to! And my siblings have all dealt with it differently...

 

Your whole family (and everyone having a child) should read, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" what a fun time that would be all together

Therapy for the underlying issues leading to problem drinking. People can numb with drugs, gambling, sex, video games, porn, etc but the the cause is still there. Treatment for trauma, CPTSD and such sounds like. Healthcare for addiction treatment and other mental health stuff most of us need. He could try the Sinclair Method to see if that curbs his brain's desire for alcohol.

It's all brain and body chemistry telling us it will make us feel better and want more and more! Willpower is something, but also need to want to change, to be alive and I often don't due to depression. Lots of stuff going on that goes back to dysfunctional life, which many of us had. The next generation does almost nothing to improve their parenting so we're stuck it's super sad.

 

Don't enable them by celebrating something that is a ruse. It will be difficult to convince those who don't want to see the denial that comes with that fake celebrating.

We didn't have this coping issue and big problem in our family. We had other dysfunctional tactics for coping and they also made for big problems. It is frightening to have mean spirited people in one's family who will stir the pot for nothing. It really shakes your foundation.

I need to get around to reading that. The emotional immaturity in parents comes in so many stripes. You're right that there are all sorts of numbing tactics. Sometimes the roots are the same in a very broad sense, but without getting to the root of the problem, it will be hard to come up with a game plan to try to tackle it. For most people and for most addictions, those are hard things for people to own up to.

 

Maybe a common root is shame heaped on us by family and society, loneliness and no one will talk about it so that makes it hard to own up to. Just like with most Kinsey 1-5 won't own up to it so it maintains, or conserves, the status quo of shame and discrimination about human sexuality. Dysfunctional families hide the addictions, abuses etc. to "look good" to others on the outside, but they're all suffering on the inside. "Don't let anyone know Johnny is a homosexual, gaaasp!!" All of this hiding and shame is toxic in multiple ways which causes more problem behaviors and the dysfunction cycle continues.

Words like addict and alcoholic have such a negative stigma as if it's always a personal failing. Even the meetings reinforce this, "I'm bad" mentality, forcing people to say, "I'm an alcoholic." No, you're a person struggling with alcohol addiction or alcohol use disorder. (No wonder success rate is very low for them and they don't actually track it since they know how bad it is.)

Problems or habits with something isn't always addiction and there are different types of addictions. Suddenly stopping alcohol after long-time abuse can cause physical withdrawal complications that people die from. Someone addicted to gambling will not die from being withheld from making another bet. In my experience quitting nicotine is much harder than quitting cannabis, which I suspect is supported by chemistry. There are also ritual parts of habits that can be hard to break in their own ways, especially if good brain chemicals are released.

Sorry OP I'm on a tangent but it is an important topic and I hope your brother can heal the trauma and has a chance at a fulfilling, healthy life again.

 

Do you know if she is highly sensitive? That's what I thought as soon as I read that. I wish my parents had the book on how to raise a highly sensitive child so take a look in case it might be good for you both. It's by Elaine Aron. I'm glad you're working on healthy communication in your family and trying to do better.