Later in life

It's okay, I must not be explaining it right but that's not what I think or tried to say for most guys. I didn't write the stuff from the tops who are into getting really rough and what sounds painful and lots of guys saying that stuff about bottom pain is to be expected and no big deal. I don't think that and try to dispel that bc it should not be painful. Taking pain as a rite of passage or initiation into the gay world is crazy, but some guys are into stuff like that to join frats so I'm not surprised to have read that mentality from some gay guys too. Guys in general do a lot of really stupid things to try to fit in and seem tough or whatever. It's all part of me piecing together all the fear/avoidance I learned over the years from many sources. I'm glad there's nothing to worry about, thank you!

 

I totally agree with mnguy. It’s been a long time but I never experienced pain when I was the bottom and never experienced my partner having pain when I was the top. We set out not to hurt each. It only happens when ego’s get out of control and power is the order of the experience. That just my opinion and I wouldn’t touch it any other way, shape, or form. Also no pain in an oral encounter either….I hear of guys forcing deep throat. Same deal. Shouldn’t be happening. It can happen in a very intimate way as both men relax and open up…. Sometimes it seems that we need to leave our egos at home.

 

Bob you are so right on. As much as I hate to admit it, the women I’ve found myself attracted to are just Narcissistic and pretty much played the men they were with (ME). I’ve never been it a man that does - not that I have a lot of experience with men. But I aso know there are men out there who will hurt you sexually if you submit to them, so I was always really careful about who I went there with.

 

Kevin i have no doubt you’ll fins your truth. Time and patience with yourself go a long way. I know I want to run but I need to walk and plod through to get there. Be patient with your self.

 

I often wonder about that. I am more attracted to non sexual conversation with men. But have been more attracted to the physical aspects of men when they are clean shaven and have smooth skin and don’t act macho. Maybe even a little feminine in appearance. Men seem more comfortable exposing their naked body than women I’ve know, with a few exceptions. But whether it be man or woman, a person who is confident without being overbearing who loves giving and receiving pleasure whether it be sexual contact or nonsexual contact is a 50/50 split we me. When it comes to just sex, it’s not just about the orgasm, it’s the giving and receiving of pleasure leading up to it, and when both are equally exciting about receiving and giving, the orgasm is a beautiful ending to me with both men and women.

 

I as going to respond and then I read Bob J20’s response and thought, “Wow, he just said what I was going to write, so all I can really say is - what Bob J20 said!”

 

a) No change in attraction.
b) Did not know of same sex attraction.

Explanation: I simply tried on the "slipper" (Cinderella analogy) and dated women for a very short time. The slipper did not fit so I just lived alone......which I now know, living alone sucks.

 

When did you come to know the truth about ss attraction and how did you get the information needed to click for you? Do you wish you understood it accurately earlier in life?

I think I wish I knew sooner, but maybe it would not have gone well either, in various ways young gay men ended up back then. I needed a therapist to ask me about dating life (I had none so it was an indication that something was wrong) and to explain the Kinsey scale so I could understand myself. That I wanted to be with the guys I admired in class and wanted to be their best friend they spend most of their time with, they were crushes you big dope lol! I had a crush on a roommate and got jealous when he was hanging out with other guys especially if cute/popular or talk of girls he liked, but I didn't understand that feeling either.

 

I've always been attracted to guys. Ever since I was ~12 and had a crush on a TV actor. To understand the crux of knowing what the attractions meant, one has to "educate" themselves on the main components of cognition. (sorry I do not have time to dive into cognitive thought process at this moment)

Only recently has the eureka moment occurred and I've consciously said to myself, I'm attracted to guys. ,

Hell yes. A lot less pain.

 

And there is a massive amount of bad information out there. The one plus of me being here on ECs and spending a massive amount of time researching homosexuality, is, I feel I have an above average understanding of human attraction and sexuality. (I'm on my ~20th + book and counting.)

 

Personally I don’t understand why anyone would want to give or receive pain in a sexual encounter. I guess I’m just wired to give pleasure and assume the person I’m with will feel the same.

 

Curious brainwashed, how are your relationships with women in general? I ask to say, my experience when I’ve been around women who are in the presence of gay men love it. No tension around when there they’re going to hit on or not, so they can relax. Have you o find that to be the case in your experience?

 

It’s funny what different experiences we have. I always knew what my attraction to guys meant but tried to hide and repress it until I could no longer keep a lid on it and just had to acknowledge it.

 

This is interesting because it actually strikes a chord with me. I’m an ok looking guy but never had a girlfriend until I was 24 or so. I now think that maybe I wasn’t really attracted to them. I had a really good friend from when I was young and as we matured and he started dating women and having sex etc, I can remember having a pang of jealousy. At the time I thought it was because he was having sex and I wasn’t but I now think I was quite attracted to him and was jealous of the girl. I was in my thirties before I ever really acknowledged any attraction to guys and I’m still unraveling layers of homophobia that complicates things. It really helps reading others similar experiences.

 

I will requote, "knew what my attraction meant" Ah I didn't. I had no idea. I say enviroment plays a major role in a persons ability to figure out their innate sexuality.

Plus, big plus, it seems I have an active component of suppression / suppressing my emotions, aka feelings. (I posted about feelings a week ago.) I now know who flipped on the supress feelings switch and when. Switching the switch on is a monumental effort.

Example: I know a young gay man. At 13, 13, he said to his mom, ~"mom, I like boys". Basically he had figured out who he likes and because he was not shamed for who he likes, he came out to his mom. (His mom was very happy he came out to her and helped him mature into a healthy gay man he is today. His dad was on board with his sexuality also. This is why I am friends with the entire family, mainly because they are so cool.)

 

Oh women swarm over me. It's amazing.

Im so at ease when Im around women now. They are actually my main source of new friends.

 

How did you know for so long and how did you learn the basic definition, of simply being attracted to and fall in love with other guys, just like other guys are attracted to women, and all sexualities are equally neutral?

I believed the lies that it's just a choice, behavior and can "just man up" and be straight until my early 20s I was so misguided. Others around me knew what it really meant but no one ever said a damn helpful thing for me to understand myself right. I'm pissed at all the people who let me rot like that.

 

Very well said!

 

I just realised that I was excited by men. From the age of 12 I used to watch men and worried that this would be noticed. I thought that my feelings were wrong and that was why I repressed my sexuality from about the age of 16 and did not actually acknowledge to myself I was gay till I was 30.