Hey im FTM transgender. I am 16. I have been passing as a boy for 2 years and lately my mom has been very “open” to trans people. I talk about trans politics sometimes with her, we talk about stuff and she states her opinions on it. Her opinions are mostly judgemental but considering what’s been happening on the news, i dont blame her. Here are some things that have made me feel like i should come out. She has told me before that my therapist has called me ‘he’ and she had to correct her multiple times. (i told my therapist I’m trans and closeted but i guess she forgot about the closeted part.) that got my mom very suspicious. One night she told me that if i wanna be a boy thats okay. And it really made me feel relieved but we had fought earlier that day so I didn’t want to come out to her then. In another instance, we were talking about my trans friend and she just asked me, “are you trans.” I reacted and quickly said no because my mom was in an argumentative mood as well that day. So she dropped the subject for a bit. This weekend i was at my dads house and when i came to my moms on Monday i noticed she had bought boys boxers and put them in my underwear drawer. (I was very happy about that it was awesome) But it made me really wake up to the fact that shes probably just waiting for me to come out. My worry is that she thinks im nonbinary. Which im not. And usually that wouldnt be a big deal, but i feel as though I’ll shock her by telling her im a guy. She keeps changing her opinions on this though, last night she said that only 0.5% of the world is transgender and she mentioned that it seems like it’s 30% now. This puts me in a difficult spot. We are both aware of what’s happening with trans kids right now and my mom sees me as the trans kid, while i see myself as a guy. Im not sure how to tell her my experience without her being biased. At this point She pretty much knows im trans and i know she knows, it’s just a matter of who’s gonna say it first. I dont want to argue with her about my identity, is there any advice you guys can give. Im really not sure what to do here.
Hey Spidersneakers (love the username by the way), it does sound like she already knows and may be supportive. What would the worst case scenario be when you come out? It's always a good idea to hope for the best, but always have a plan for the worst just in case. So that's my first question for you. My second question is this, how long have you known you are trans? That's something you'll want to mention to your mom. I'd also recommend sharing how passing makes you feel and the name/pronouns you would like her to use for you. If telling her out loud is too much pressure, you could always write a letter ( I think there are examples here on the site somewhere). It's a good idea to keep in mind that she may need time to process and adjust. You've had a while to process your gender, she may need the same. That was one mistake I made when my parents found out about me and confronted me. Anyway, I hope this helped you at least a little bit.
Spidersneakers I think you’re amazingly courageous, especially because you have recognized your true self so early and have taken action on it. Great advice from Tinywerewolf. Know that everyone on the site supports your journey. BTW, I really admire your patience as this unfolds with your Mom. Great insight and patience with her. Let us know how it’s going as you move forward.
Thank you! I guess the worst case scenario would be that she will refuse to call me he/him and tell me its a phase/try to get me to be a girl again. Or ignore me and pretend that i never came out, not making an effort to even try. Ive known im trans for probably 3 years now. Ill ive her lots of time to adjust, i plan on taking it slow in my transition especially since im young
In that case, mentally prepare yourself for that outcome somewhat. Do you have friends you could lean on for emotional support in that even? You can always vent here if need be too, don’t forget (lord knows I sure have sometimes hahaha XD) Do you have ways you could cope with that? That’s always a great idea if you ask me, I’m going to take my HRT slow if I ever get the chance to take that medication. Gives you time to really take it all in and adjust, you know?
