Hi all I've been coming to EC off and on since 2017. I've found it enormously helpful talking with others and realising I'm not alone. Each time I have a break and come back ive found that my "gayness" has increased significantly. I'm now at the point that I've formulated a plan to move forward. I want to live has an openly gay man, I want a relationship and I want to experience being open and gay with others. I'm married. I flirted with the idea of coming out to my wife but from the collective wisdom of my gay brothers on EC who are in a similar position ive concluded that doing so is too much heartbreak and uncertainty, I don't want to live between 2 worlds anymore. So I've decided I will make a clean break, get my own apartment and once ive found the gay relationship I long for, I will come out to my family. In the meantime I'm getting fitter, losing weight, working on my new identity, saving money and taking practical steps for when I make the break. I've given myself up to two years but at the rate of acceleration of my gayness I don't think it will take that long.
It seems you have it figured out. Not that there wont be hiccups.. but you have a plan, with a reasonable timeline which is a good thing. Coming out to the wife is a big step.. just been through it ... and agree things are shaky afterwards. If I knew it would be like this I would have came out years ago... but that said. Working on your image gives you that confidence and assurance that you are doing something for your self in the buildup of the path that you lined out. A suggestion I would give is work up to providing a support structure for you and your partner. You both will need that safe space as you transition in your relationship. Again, I think you have a well through out plan through and will be here to follow the progress.
Well done, Joolz. This sounds like a good plan and something clear to work towards. Look forward to hearing about your progress. One thought, it might be worth exploring whether there are any gay or LGBT groups that you might be interested to join as a way of starting to develop a group of like minded friends.
Thanks Enzo, I'm exploring what different groups are available where I live, not many for later in life guys but I have reached out to see what the options are..I have this growing urge to be with others in a social setting so I can just be myself.
It's good to hear you have a plan in place, though it sounds like it'll be a difficult road, all the same. I understand your hesitance to come out to your wife just yet, but I wouldn't put it off too long either, as from her perspective, you coming out and moving out simultaneously will likely blindside her. In sum, I don't think a "clean break" is really possible, but you can probably reach something close to it if you time things right. Sadly, this isn't something I can give in-depth advice on, but I will say: congratulations on becoming a truer version of yourself, and I wish you the best of luck in moving forward, whatever choices you make.
You have taken an important step in your evolution to an openly gay man. It is both exciting and scary all at the same time. Of course there will be some bumps along the way. I suggest you work with a skilled therapist to help you work through some of issues you might face. Also look for an LGBTQ support group that will help you deal with this amazing transition you are going through. I assure you finally living gay is well worth it once you get past the few obstacles you will face.
Chatting with my wife tonight the topic of a woman she knows at work who left her marriage for another woman came up. My wife said if I left her for another woman then she would be angry. But then she said if I left her for another man she hoped we could still be friends. Doors are opening..
jool It sounds like yu are on the right and positive road to make the turn the transition complete. i wish you they best. Way to go!
Perhaps coming out to her would not go so badly? It sounds as though she has some awareness that you are gay, otherwise she would not have said that. If you do decide to come out to her at some point, it may make sense to do so in a letter which she can read. Look forward to following your progress. It will all be worth it once you are able to live authentically.
Thanks Enzo, I was really surprised by her comment. Perhaps she does know or suspect. We havnt had sex for ages. She caught me a few months back watching porn, it was gay porn and I'm sure she saw it but never mentioned it. She had obviously been thinking about our lack of sex beforehand and probably talking with her very close friend because she said "so it not your sex drive then".. Maybe she does suspect but she isn't giving anything away..
When I came out to my wife, she was stunned but at the same knew something was up. She began pointing out things she had noticed over the years and how that made sense to her now. At some level, they know. What they do with it is another thing. It’s been about three or four weeks since I told her and it’s now a non-topic. Total silence. However she keeps a watchful eye on everything that’s going on. Can’t say I blame her at all. I try to put myself in her shoes and it’s got to be weird for her. For me, it was simply, I can’t live the lie anymore. I just can’t. Bottom line - it’s a choice we make.
