Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Thank you so much for that. Coincidence can be a wonderful thing. I'm a happier camper today because I'v edecided to stop whining about the situation, and do something about it. If the end of the f**king world is coming no matter if I remain here, in a dreafull mood, or get caught trying to find someone, I shouod move it on . Bought some rainbow laces for my runners today. Daring or what?

 

Thank you Choirboy, and especially for your last sentence. I will find a way throuh this, in small steps I'm thinking. M

 

It is encouraging to hear that there can be an alternative outcome.

Having the strugle of how far I push the subject with her, or ease back Is the question . Currently it feels like the wall of china between us. I am hinting that she gets someone impartial to talk too, maybe a therapist. I don't however know what that would bring up and if she could get to grips with the reality.

In the short term I just want to get to a point where we can talk about it.

I play with many scenarios and possible outcomes. If my the outcome is that we part ways it would be devastating, but if it could be like yours the outcome would not be that bleak.

I some times wonder though if she would consider just to be open and exept it part of our life together as intimacy is not necessary on the cards. But that could be whishfull thinking. Dont know if I could be ok with her not by my side. Its such a difficult situation. As she is "black and white" and me bi, can it even be compatible? Is there an acceptable middle ground?

 

Hello Highlander, I'm pretty much where you would have been 8 years ago. Two grown up children, (whom I suspect may know about me anyway), but a wife who simply can't accept me. It's bloody hard and I would greatly appreciate the chance to talk things over.
Today, I'm making a move. A new cafe opened close by and it's 'friendly' I'm going there to see if I can find someone to talk to. It's extremely weird - by my age, I expect one is supposed to have ironed out all the foibles. So I'm going to be a fish out of water, but I've gt to do something, I'm going out of my mind.
I'll check in later to tell y'all how it went.
Didn't sleep much last night.

 

Good luck, M! Do let us know how you get on.

 

Almost started the "conversation" with the wife .. chickened out... will try again next time.

 

As Quebec advised me, it is a good idea to write a letter explaining things and let your wife read it before discussing things. This gives her time to reflect on what you are saying and results in a less emotional discussion. There are some examples of these sort of letters on this site. Good luck!

 

And the very best of good luck from me too. I'd read quite a lot online by the time I did that and found someone called Bonnie, who wrote a lot of stuff with a guy called Doug. You'll certainly come accross them if you search or 'married and gay'. Bonnie's husband came out many years ago, and she did write to me and in no uncertain terms told me to get on with it and tell my wife, damn the consequencies. Yeah, well, I did, and I'm so glad I'd read up on all the questions I was going to be asked - like "oh, so it's my fault you're gay?" and "how long have you known" and "I'm not sure you're the same guy I married".
Thankfully, I had all of the replies, and was able to calmly trot them out. I suppose I thought that she would be as informed as me but of course, she could't be because she wasn't living with it inside.
I like Enzo's idea from Quebec about writing a letter - you know I heard that advice about 25 years ago.
I feel for you.

 

The letter idea is a good one. The problem is that she feels everything is about her, and she may take it as an attack of some sorts. That is also why I am scared of maybe doing couples therapy and why our altercations always goes south. Thinking of introducing her to the idea to see a therapist in preparation, just for her to see the benefits. Maybe she can work through some stuff and get to grips with our current situation.

I know its not the best relationship advice, but have to work with what I have. With our family dynamics and my kids also having their own struggles does create a bit of a challenge and juggling emotions at this point in time.

Just trying to rap my mind around it...

 

Kind of hard to say anything without sounding patronising B1.... I have been there, it didn't go in any way I though it might. I don't think I even had an 'expected' outcome. In the years since, I stayed on, initially to 'see the kids finish school' but time has stretched on and now, with my September years just round the corner, I'm almost desperate to make a move. But time has moved on in those years, and maybe I don't need to put her through it all again. Anyway, I was reminded a few weeks ago that I have come out to her, and she will remember that. I hope it goes well for you - me, I guess I'm relieved that I'm out (yes, it's true I have to remind myself, because a lot hasn't changed).
A funny thing happened about four years ago - an old friend said I'd been the disussion topic at at dinner party - gossip - "did you know he bats for the other side?" type of thing. Sadly, I was within earshot of my wife in a busy airport so I could not give my full reaction - which would have been along the lines of "I'm not unhappy about that" - in some ways it did validate me.
Meanwhile, now, what I need is a manfriend. And a gay one. I need to talk this over. Which is why I'm here!
I'd like to say please let me know how it goes, but honestly, this is so private for you that you probably shouldn't. If I can help with any words. I'm here. Bonne chance B1!

 

Thanks for the input, appreciated. It does help to hear how others handle their situation. I found that it helps, it allows me to look at the situation from another perspective. I think I am also in that same position of just needing someone to talk too.. It’s tough going at it alone. Normally the wife has my back.. with this, not so much..

 

OMG! A letter with full explanation sounds so right. You guys may have given me the way to do this with my wife. I have been literally making myself crazy over how to tell her. Everyone else, I’m not so concerned about but I’ve been with this woman over 37 years and we’ve had to work through so much including my and her infidelity. Our relationship is sort of boring but supportive. Rarely any sexual activity going on other than self satisfaction for us both. Often we tolerate each other and we try to find intimacy but it doesn’t really get there for either of us. Reminds me of my parents relationship and her’s. What it will do if I use the letter is make sure I know what I’m going to say and how I’m going to say it if I choose to not use the letter. ‘M’ - I wish you the best in getting the message across in a way that works for you and I’m supporting you from here. I wish you the best of outcomes!

 

Last night I came to to a realisation. Every now and again over the years I got the question "Tell me, are you gay?", and I would talk aroud it with the knowledge that I identified as bi. Was it me not telling the trut just to not go there because I was not ready. When I came out the last time se said it my commitment was "well you know I am not 100% straight" then explained Bi and that all of us is on the scale somewhere and that I knew in my teans, of course opening another can of worms.

My point is, I think sometimes they already have a hint, in your mannerism or the way you act in certain situations. The shock is acknowledgement. As it was pointed out I too ,in hind site , should have had all the answers ready for the questions that came.

I would have loved if we could come to some agreement on a way forward, some middle ground that could work for both of us, and where it not necessarily mean separation. But that's probably whishfull thinking (dont know if other feel the same way) or even if it could work.

 

Today I almost feel that I want to give it all up. I can't leave because I have no where else to live. I don't have the money to get another place to stay so I'm screwed. I often ask myself if I want to leave her because I don't like living with her or because I'm gay/bi/at the msm end of the scale and I always come to the conclusion that I should not leave for the sensuality reason. But maybe that's wrong. Yet the LGB pool is small, and ageist, so I'm fooling no one but me. More chances staying in the tent, as the saying goes. But life is passing....wft am I gonna do?
Sorry. Feeling depressed today. Pft

 

Hey Maldoon I know exactly how you feel - I think. It’s been so easy for me to go back into the space that says , “What the f*ck are you doing? You aren’t really going to do this. You’re just playing with the idea cause it excites you, but when you come up against reality, you fold.” So far that’s the case. I must admit too that I’ve only started this for ‘real’ a few weeks ago and I am committed, but I am frozen when it comes telling my wife. I would only encourage you not to wait too long. I wanted until I am now in my 70’s an here I am killing it - I wish! Hang on there and if i can of any help please don’t hesitate to contact me.

 

It becomes more difficult I think when we are faced with the facts. You want to, but feel you can't. Maybe there is another way?
There must be...

Being happy, I mean really happy is a difficult notion and I think this is a confusing situation we find our selves in, which creates a problem on its own.

Talking to our wifes, especially about how we feel, becomes foreign and even more so about coming out. I think you have the need , even if its just to connect with like minded people, which drives that feeling even more so.

If you where presented with an alternatve, would you take it? If it did not negatively effect your relationship?

 

Thank you, 74. it helps a helluva lot to hear you come back at me with pretty much all of the same thoughts going on in my head. But it is a crazy notion ain't it? Six years ago, I came out to my wife, and very quickly discovered that this is a foreign land to her and she'd rather put it back whence it came and forget about it. All further discusssion is canned. So I thought. well if I can somehow manage to bump into Mr Right and all magically happens, great. So I set about getting fit, for the first time in 35+ years. Dropped 20kg (!, yes, really) and after five years of running, gyming and swimming, I'm in better shape, I think not too bad for this age. But there's no meaningful glances coming my way - or maybe I'm not recieving signals, something's wrong with my radar. Yeah, it needs to go in for a service. Time and tide wait for no man.
I ask myself, can I instigate the biggest upheaval in my life, all for a fantasy? It's a cold wet world outside, and no safely net. (Actually I live in the UK, so there will be some help). However - oh SH*T there's no answer. I am just hoping the decsion will be made for me. Silly old b'stard that I am...

 

Hi. Talking to my wife when she canned this topic some time ago is a non-starter. Or, what I mean is, it's the start line for my exit. That's EXIT don't come back. Yakkety-yak. If I won the lottery, would I bail? Yep. In my mind, I have the new digs already decorated. I even know where I'd buy, given no limits. It's not too far from here. Five years ago, I picked up the phone to the Samaritans. That was a new and strange experience. The lady on the other end asked me that same question - "If you had the money, would you leave?". Same answer, soberly given, as only a question like that can be answered. Thought went into the answer, same ways it did when my wife asked some weeks after my coming out if I really was Gay? Well, I put me, and you through this wringer, so yes, of course I am. She waved her wand and declared I must be Bisexual so all's well, she could live with that. Not that she ever said that.
So, the answer to your question is yes, B1, I would take it. And I accept that it would without doubt affect our relationship negatively. But time has a way of healing and maybe we'd get back to talking again. Especially as the kids (not kids now) are so accepting of sexuality. Must have brought them up well...