Later in life

Wow your posts have been so helpful for me. Seems like I identify with with practically everyone who’s posting in one way or another. I knew by the time I was 5yo that I wanted to be a ‘her’. I only wanted to where my mother’s clothes. Didn’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers. My mother would always tell me I was a male but said she understood my desire to dress like her. She also let me know it was not a good idea. I’ve begun to think she enjoyed it. She would always smile when she found me wearing her clothes, but slowly always told me it was wrong. When I walked in on her undressed she would stand there until the silence became uncomfortable for us both and my eyes were glued to her body and start getting dressed. I never left but asked her to if it was okay for me to dress like her. She would tease me and sometimes let me put on her clothes but not often. When’s he was not around I always put on her clothes. I remember once my brother came in on me when I was dressed in my mothers clothes and said something like, you look cute. I said thank you and walked out of the room. After about my 10th year my mother began to be more strict about me not wearing her clothes. I didn’t stop but it became clear to both of us, this was not going to be a temporary or passing thing. This went on through high school and she became very adamant about me not dressing in her clothes. She would talk about the world we lived in and how important it was for me be ‘straight’. You can’t change what you were born with. This was in the late 60’s. Sadly, I mostly suppressed it until I retired. There were several encounters over the years with men whom I picked or let them pick me up. We had sex, I loved it but immediately pushed the other guy away. I stuffed everything back in until next time and on we go. Have been married 4 times. Current marriage in almost 33 years. Now I’m retired for 1.5 years and can’t run from the truth any longer. I’m way too old to be coming out but so be it. Better late than never. Now I’m trying to figure out how to tell my wife I am going to present myself in the future as a woman. Trugh is, it scares the crap out of me, but if i don’t do it, it won’t happen.

 

I'm later in life, but I don't suppose I really count as coming out later in life. I came out thirty years ago, right after college. I always knew I was attracted to men, but I figured I was also attracted to women. I grew up in Utah and literally didn't know gay people were a thing. I dated women in high school and college, and it was... fine. Then I had my first experience with a guy and realized "fine" was not at all what it was supposed to feel like. Came out shortly after, when I left college and haven't looked at a woman that way in 30 years.

 

im Omni but I am more attracted to females. Typically I use the label bi because a lot of people don't know whatomni is and it's hard to explain it every time

 

It seems, in my opinion,the idea of using bi eases the understanding and explanation. Found it my self but then had to explain what i mean with bi...

 

yeah sometimes that happens but not as often as it does with Omni... labels are hard

 

Think so too. I however feel that switching lables depending on the company you find yourself in is fine. Would I consider another lable if presented with an alternative that better fits me, sure. With coming out to my wife bi was definitely the best option, maybe it will change in the future.

 

Imo, bi means everything between Kinsey 0 and 6. Maybe 0.5 to 5.5, but once you get to a 1 that seems pretty bi to me. Just my thoughts on it but you can pick any number and it can vary too so it's all good.

 

Then we ended up here... Later in life.. @mnguy it seems we eventually find our place.. acknowledging where we fit in... even though it is difficult to face the facts and even more so to face the consequences of our discissions.

But it is freeing.

Getting past the first realization that I can be happy and don't have to settle for my current circumstances(although it took many years to get to that realization). What the future may hold, I don't know.. think nobody knows... except one thing.. once you tippy toe to "freedom" , the urge to get there becomes so much stronger.

if only I could break free from these shackles holding my mind captive, and have the courage to truly break free.

But then it dawns on me.. baby steps .. one toe at a time ...

 

I had gay guys hitting on me in my early 20s too. I just couldn't reconcile my own feelings at the time, but boy, hindsight is an amazing thing, there were so many signs but it took me til my early 50s until I finally admitted it to myself..now working on next steps

 

I’m right with you all. I’m beginning to settle though around who I am. That’s Bi. Don’t care what it means to others. What it means to me is I want my sexual identity-gender to be seen as both man and woman. That’s my sexuality, not who I have sex with. Sexually I’ve gone both ways and love it both ways. Never have done 3-some but could and would with no hesitation. Actually the idea is quite exciting, but that’s an aside to the sexuality issue. Can I be a man with a very short beard and still have noticeable boobs with nice female hips, etc. and present as woman/man? That’s my goal. I’m too damn old to not do this the way I want to. Thanks for being there as always….

 

Oh, on another note. I told my wife a couple of days ago. That was exciting, weird, terrible, awesome and everything else you can imagine. been very quiet in my house the last 2 days. I feel sooo relieved and my wife is so confused although she admitted she sort of knew - sort of but - you are what?

 

My journey was very similar, while I was in denial deep down I knew where my strongest attractions were. As I got older towards my 50s it was impossible to deny it any longer and once I had a few experiences it only confirmed to myself that I am gay. Looking back with hindsight all sorts of situations from my past fell into place and it was very clear that I was gay from a young age. Now for the next steps of moving forward and planning to live my life as a gay man.

 

I really like this conversation. You are describing all the tensions I experienced back when I was in high school and college. I drank a lot during those year and found the gay guys always found me when I was drunk. They would hit on me. I enjoyed the attention and I went with it until I got scared. Then I ran them off. I can’t describe how confused I was during those years. I kept asking why me? At the same time I loved it. I was an all-star athlete and spent most of my day in a very macho world. No way I could give that up. I was trapped and in denial. So I drank more. Never a good idea by the way. I loved the attention from both sexes and soaked it up confused as I was. Ebbs and flows is right on! I was in my mid-thirties when I stopped drinking and found AA. I’ve been sober for 37 years and here I am finally sorting out my sexuality. B1 said, “Fantasizing about boys, going after the girls, going after boys, fantasizing about girls.. “. That’s me. Today I find myself feeling okay finally about all that confusion. Thanks Y’all.

 

How did you respond when other "straight" guys were making gay guys lives miserable? It's too bad we weren't accepted then and still issues with it today. How much better would it be if everyone understood the Kinsey scale and it was just as ordinary as your height? Why hasn't that happened by now, after all the decades trying for equality? I thought my generation would stop the gay hate since everyone knew someone they loved who was gay, right? Harvey Milk and other politicians and the progress of the 70s. We've gone backwards and must not be spoken of in schools, that's how kids turn out gay, or what really stupid people who hate us think, in 2023... It's crazy, but all related to not being able to exist freely and allowing those that keep us down to keep doing it, even supporting them in many cases

 

How did you respond when other "straight" guys were making gay guys lives miserable?

Good question. I did what fear always does, Nothing. Even today I have very little courage. I asked a man recently who said a trans person who walked past us was a “freak and belonged to be locked away on some leper island kind of thing. I asked him if people like that scared him. He said no, they’re just freaks. Of course that will be the end of our relationship but I’m hoping to end that relationship with something stronger than no responding to his invitations for coffee, etc. I have to wonder about what he sees in me though. Wondering…. This experience has given me strength though and I know I have to not stay silent any longer.

 

I think I perhaps always had an attraction but it was buried very deeply due to ingrained homophobia. I’m still working it out but am starting to accept that sexually I am way more attracted to men. I have never really enjoyed sex with women and haven’t masturbated thinking of one in several years. Having said that I’m still struggling to comprehend this side of myself.