Hey everyone, I accidentally just outed this secret in the anonymous secret post so I figured I may as well just ask for some advice now it’s out there haha! I want to propose to my girlfriend, we are both cisgender lesbians in our 20s and have known each other for 10 years. We have only been together since October 2022 but we have been in love with each other for much longer. We had years of flirting and cuddling, making out whilst drunk (even in front of others) and kissing for a ‘joke’ even though we both knew it wasn’t (and so did everyone else haha). We finally admitted how we felt and it has just been amazing since then. We make each other so happy and love each other so much. We both want marriage and children. We are even planning to adopt a kitten together soon because we both love cats. She is honestly so beautiful and the most amazing person I have ever met. I am 100% certain she will say yes. The only problem is that although we are very open with our relationship and have no issues showing affection and holding hands in front of others (none of our friends or families are homophobic) or in public. We have encountered homophobia from strangers a lot mainly because we are both femme presenting lesbians and we get accused of faking our love for each other and will be ‘back to men’ within a year which is really upsetting we have also had homophobic slurs said to us and been told we are ‘a waste’ because we won’t sleep with men amongst other stuff. Our relationship is often fetishised. We are just terrified of how this will affect any future children we have and if wedding venues will be homophobic towards us. I love her so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her and I don’t think same-sex relationships are any different from straight relationships.
I'm sorry that you both have to go through this. People can just be so horrible.... In terms of children, I'm not sure what the laws are in the UK but I'm not sure you would run into trouble if that is the concern, but if it's more about how hate could impact your future children, I think the most important thing to do is just make sure they know they are loved and that is all that matters. I know it of course can be tough, but just something important to communicate. As for wedding venues, I think to avoid that sort of issue, I was just searching and found a slew of results on search engines for same-sex friendly wedding venues. I'd highly recommend a similar search cause then you can be sure you avoid any potential bigotry (sad I know but they do exist sadly), and not go through that feeling. By going for venues already known to be LGBTQ2S friendly, you ensure you have the best possible experience personally, while also finding a venue that meets what you want for your wedding aesthetically. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for your reply! I don’t think we would run into trouble regarding the laws in the UK, it would just be the hate our future children may encounter. Your advice about the wedding venues is very helpful. Again, thank you!
Hey I am sorry you have faced these issues. I think largely in the UK it is absolutely fine and the older you get the less you hear it. I live in the UK I married my wife in 2019 and have now adopted a child with her. We haven’t faced any issue really. I think in the whole wedding planning we spoke to 1 photographer at a wedding fair who made an assumption that we were separately marrying men but apart from that everyone was totally accepting. I think whilst homophobia exists most people running wedding businesses are now accepting that same sex marriage is a big part of the industry. Often wedding venues will have same sex pictures on their website etc which is helpful. I totally get why it worries you but I don’t think it should stop your plans for the future.
Well, if they are they don't deserve your custom. Silverhalo is right I think the vast majority of wedding venues wouldn't have a problem with you for fear of looking like a bunch of bigots (which, of course, they would be.) F*** em! How sad that people have a problem with two women in love? I'm sorry that you're still encountering this sort of b****cks in 2023. Try not to let this sort of stuff get you down. You sound like a lovely couple and I wish you every happiness in your future life together. Beth x
Thank you so much for your reply. Aw it’s especially lovely to hear all of this from you considering you have dealt with it and come out the other side! It’s really reassuring. We wouldn’t have let it stop us, it’s just nerve-wracking as i’m sure you understand. Any children we have together will be loved but it just worries us about any hate they may receive because they have two mothers. Thank you for your advice.
I agree that you are both right about the wedding venues. Aww that is so sweet of you to say all of that, thank you! Yeah it’s horrible this still happens in 2023. We both experienced compulsory heterosexuality for years and although we both now embrace the fact we are lesbians, those sort of comments from people are very invalidating. And then there are the people who tell us we apparently don’t how a lesbian should supposedly look so we must be doing it for attention which is ridiculous because there is no one way for a lesbian to look. In fact there is no one way for anybody of any sexual orientation/gender identity to look. People can dress how they want. Anyway, thank you so much for your advice and your lovely comments!
No worries. I totally get your concern and worries. I think whilst homophobia isn’t great it is generally getting better and that any child can meet horrible people in life regardless of their circumstances but with the right love and home it can all be overcome. If you ever have any specifics you want to talk about or want to chat feel free to post on my wall. I’m not always on quite as regularly as I used to be but will always reply when I do log on.
You are so right! Any children we have will be loved immensely and will be brought up to always be kind. Aw thank you so much! I may take you up on your offer because you seem very insightful!
I've always heard that the UK was pretty open to at least gay and lesbian relationships. Or is that just because I see it represented on my favorite British TV shows all the time? Maybe settle down in Brighton? Or is that not a good place to raise children? I think maybe by the time your children are old enough to have to worry about peer pressure and bullying, that the topic of their two mums won't be on the bullying "to do list" anymore. Or so we hope right? I'm very happy for you, but just a little bit jealous. One of my biggest fears is not finding that person who I want to live the rest of my life with and I get stuck being alone to wander from one dead end relationship to another and wind up with cats as my kids. This got dark. haha.
Yeah it is for the most part but there is still a lot or homophobic/transphobic abuse. I have experienced homophobia a lot. It’s just sad, it’s 2023. I’m not sure, I have never been to Brighton but I would love to go! I think you are right. I can understand that fear because I felt exactly the same but it turned out my person had been there all along and i’m sure you will find yours too! Aw don’t worry about it haha.
Firstly, I'm so glad you've found someone who makes you happy--the world needs more of that. Secondly, I'm sorry that you even have to worry about the future in this way, when so many heterosexual relationships are just taken for granted and left alone; because you're right--the love you share with your girlfriend and the life you want to live with her really is no different than that of a straight couples', when you get right down to it. We all--gay, straight, bi, etc.--just want to live our own lives, able to love who we love without fear or shame. I think it's beautiful that you share the same goals, and that's something that shouldn't be lost because of other peoples' bigotry and small-mindedness. I can't say about wedding venues, but I think when it comes to children--well, take it one day at a time. You want to get engaged (then married) first, I gather? I figure, once you've had those experiences (the latter of which will no doubt take time), you'll have a clearer idea of when you want kids, how many, and from there, how to navigate your life as same-sex parents. There's no certainty of what the future holds, so all we can do is live our lives to the fullest, whatever that means to us as individuals. Trust that when the day comes, you'll be able to overcome anything--because you'll have each other.
Thank you so much she does make me very happy! To be honest we are used to it, we shouldn’t be though. Yes you are completely right that heterosexual relationships are just left alone. Like you said there are no differences between same-sex relationships and heterosexual relationships and everyone regardless of their sexuality or gender identity should be able to love whoever they want to without facing discrimination. Yes you are right, we wanted to be married for a year or two before we think about children but we both really want children in the future. Yes we will have each other so much for your kind words; i’m sorry if I haven’t replied to everything you said. I’m on my phone so it’s more difficult to keep track!
