Hello all, I've been questioning my gender for a while now. I am AMAB but I don't feel any draw towards my own masculinity, in fact, the opposite is true. For a long time I denied the possibility of being trans. Though a lot of what I heard about being trans applied to me, I didn't make that connection. I thought, “I just think those things because I would rather be a woman. That doesn’t make me trans.” or “I don’t like my penis in my day to day, and I hate the idea of having sex using it. That doesn’t make me trans, that just makes me a bottom.” While I was technically right. None of that makes you trans. These things are all possible indicators. What I’ve learned from reading many of the threads in this forum is, no checklist of things makes you trans. It’s something you have to feel out for yourself. If I feel a draw towards womanhood then maybe that’s where I need to be. And I do, maybe not all the time, maybe not even every day, but most days I wish I was a woman. I look at my hairy legs and I hate them, I look at the ratio of my hips to my torso and I hate it, I look at the stubble on my face and the protruding forhead and I hate it all. I wish I was a woman. I don’t know where to start though. I don’t know how to put on makeup. I don’t know what clothes to buy. I don’t know what my seasonal color palette is. I don’t know how to act feminine. I don’t know how to make this masculine face pass as female. I don’t know how to explain myself to my family during the next holiday. I don’t know how to not care when I come into work on monday and every one of my transphobic coworkers stares at me and doesn’t treat me the same for the rest of my life. I don’t know how to actually be a woman and not just some guy in a dress. If anyone has any thoughts on a path I could take, or they can share their own experience if they think it could help act as a guide for someone who doesn’t know how to start. Advice from people who have gone through this would be appreciated. Sorry if some of this was tmi. I probably could have left some things out but I am scared, for some reason, that you all wouldn't believe me. I don't know why, and I don't know why me providing more information would make me feel more trustworthy.
Hey QOTH it can be overwhelming at first. But let's start with your revelation (because it sounds from your post that you have come to a revelation).. You are a woman. A trans woman. Because cis men simply don't think all the things you've listed. You've always been female. It's just that living in a transphobic society has meant you've suppressed that innate femininity. How does that make you feel? Before you get to all the practicalities you mention, it's necessary to think, to dream, to imagine the woman you want to be. What is her name? What is she like? What is her style? Her qualities as a person? How does she express herself to the world? That, I think, is the first step. After that...arm yourself with knowledge. Have a look around the Internet and indeed this site. Be prepared. As we all know, living as a trans person means you're on the front war of the culture wars in 2023 so it comes with some unique difficulties. That is probably enough to be going on with for the moment. All the other stuff you mention can come later. Most importantly take your time, ease your way around this revelation. Let it settle. And give yourself time and space to think. Good luck! Beth x
First off, sorry if my original post was a little unhinged. I started off writing it feeling calm but got a little hot headed the further I wrote. Second, thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully respond. You are correct in thinking I've come to a revelation. I'm not 100% certain that I'm a woman, maybe the number is more like 70% or 80% sure. I think that I will need more time to figure it out completely. I am certain that masculinity is not for me. Whether this means I'm a woman or feminine nonbinary, I do not know. Especially since I don't understand what it means to be somewhere in between like nonbinary. The revelation is that I need to stop caring about taking a leap. I thought for the past year that if I am trans, I would want to take hormones and become feminine in secret until I was sure that I could pass and on that day I would go out into the world a woman. I thought it would be harder for them to be offput by me if they don't see me in an awkward transition. I've realized that won't work for me and I need to start sooner. No matter how confused people will be about where I fit, no matter how confused I am about where I fit, I need to start somewhere. This makes me feel scared and excited. Like the first time I heald my boyfriends hand. For the questions about what the woman I want to be. I can answer a lot of those questions right now. I've had the name Delilah in the back of my mind for a long time, there are a few others but that's the one I'm most drawn to. What is she like and what are her qualities? I hope she's like me and has my qualities. I don't want transitioning to change everything about myself and I still want to be me. I do want to have a different style and express myself differently. I wish I could be a beautiful elegant woman. Who's maybe a little more calm and collected than I am. As for the culture war, I'm pretty ahead of that. I've been arguing with my conservative friends about trans issue for a while now. I will give myself time to continue introspection as I take every step towards finding out what I am. Thank you again for your response. There were a few points reading it where I was hit with a feeling of fear that, again, I don't understand. Maybe I feel a bit of imposter syndrome. You've given me a lot to think about.
