Porn As An Indication Of Sexuality

Actually at this point, I think I just identify as gay. I think that internalised homophobia has played a role. I do find my attraction to women confuses things considerably but honestly, I think that the attraction to penises and all the things that I can do with men are really more important than finding women pretty.

When I was growing up, I definitely had a stage where I was super into breasts but I would say at this point, penises have definitely replaced that and breasts, while pretty, aren't as sexually interesting as they were. They're an erogenous zone that I like interacting with during sex because of the effect that it has on most women but I don't think breasts are something that I need. For a long time though, they were super alluring.

I keep coming back to perceiving myself as gay and it just seems like the right direction to go in for now, although it complicates my life significantly.

I think women are gorgeous in a way that most men aren't but I think I have enough evidence that vaginas and I don't really get along and penises and I do in bed, that it seems like I'm gay. I think at my core, I'm a gay bottom. That's what turns me on, what I fantasize about and what I want to do. A woman can be pretty but she and I really want to play the same role rather than complementary roles.

If a transwoman came into my life, it's highly likely I'd be interested but for me at this point, a penis is a penis and I like them on both transwomen and men. I liked the feminine penis perspective but if a guy has a beautiful cock and we have chemistry, I think I'd have a blast and I do have sufficient penis experience to know that, even if my experiences with that weren't with men specifically.

I hope that I can navigate what will likely be a complicated break-up and hopefully find a guy that I can have great sex with but also fall in love with. Coupling amazing sex with a beautiful romance would provide something that I've never had with a partner and I think that keeping things as they are will just keep me miserable in spite of trying so hard to make it work.

So, I think I'm gay. I'm kind of just going to identify as gay for a while and see if it feels right.

 

Thanks and thank you for your input. It did help me sift through things.

 

Thanks for your input BiBarefeet. Perhaps what we want to do in bed is really the core of sexuality and we just need to find a person who aligns with that rather than find a woman we like socially and try to leave our real desires behind and try to make the sex align with someone who fits the picture we have in our heads when we're growing up.


I think that there are a lot of reasons why men like us ignore what we want to do in bed and end up with women. Society certainly rewards heterosexual behaviour and discourages homosexual behaviour.


I can see how we bury the gay thoughts and roll with the things that pull us down the hetero road. I really want a family and while I know there are other options, I would want to have a child with my spouse or not at all, so entertaining the idea of not having a family is very difficult and has made seeing men as a viable dating option pretty much impossible.

I've thought recently that for a long time, society's perception has been that gay men are feminine and we know who they are because we can tell but in fact, until not so long ago, the only people who were out were gay plus they had some degree of gender deviation. It wasn't that we could tell what they liked in bed, it was that almost always, that gender deviation came packaged with gay bedroom preferences.

This paves the way for men who are gay but act masculine to perceive themselves as different to effeminate men because their concept of what a gay man is like is really just a response to a gender deviation. This perception is perpetuated by the fact that historically, men who were gay but not effeminate or camp or whatever were largely invisible.

It's helpful to hear that you're in a similar situation in terms of how you perceive women compared to men. It's like we lust after Ferraris but a banged up, muddy Datsun has the brand of grunt we need to reach the finish line, regardless of how counter-intuitive that may seem.

I think I'm with you on your last statement. Sometimes I think, if presented with two doors to two rooms and told I was about to enter the last hour of my life, with a hot guy in one room and a hot girl in the other, which do I pick? I'm picking the guy. If anyone reads this and thought about it, feel free to reply with which room you picked and whether that gives you any clarity if you're also questioning your sexuality.

What do you plan to do about your situation if you don't mind me asking?

 

Thanks wua, I'll reflect on whether what you say is true but my gut reaction is that it isn't.

It's actually a tough question to answer though because I would say that I think really feminine men and transwomen are hotter than hot women and masculine men are less appealing to me than both. I'm not so into curves and prefer smaller breasts over larger breasts.

If we're talking about faces, I think my preference is female. There's really no question about that really. Male faces are much more likely to be off-putting and even most guys that I would say are good looking aren't anywhere near as nice to look at as a gorgeous woman. Gorgeous women are just amazing to look at.

There are a lot of hot women but there are very few hot men, at least from my perspective. Specifically, I like femininity, even in men. That seems pretty clear to me as being the look that I like. Masculine guys occupy a "buddy" space in my perception, even though they're probably what a bottom wants.

 

Thanks again for posting this BiGemini. I've had it in mind since you posted it and it has actually been quite helpful because it made me account for I guess, everything that my mind and body have been telling me where all of this is concerned of late. I think when I do that, the truth is quite clearly that's it's accurate to describe myself as a gay man.

I think in some sense, the more open to that I am and the more I embrace what's there, the clearer I can see things in terms of what I find attractive.

I honestly am not sure if I could have disentangled all of this without the help of the people here. This has really taken a huge amount of time, conversations online and in real life and an absurd amount of reflection by myself but it seems that all that actually was necessary. I do appreciate every response because I have used bits and pieces of almost every one to figure this out. Thank you.

It really is quite a mind blowing thing to process though. That combined with the staggering number of years it took to see reality. I can completely see why it was so hard to see the truth though. It really shows you how powerful influence can be on others.

I do have some good news though. I met someone online and set up a date for Sunday. My girlfriend and I are going to take a break from there and see whether this gives me further confirmation. If it does, she and I will transition from partners to close friends, which I hope will be possible. I'm just going to do that on whatever her terms are. I want to hurt her as little as possible through this and support her however I can.

I'm excited though. Sad about the obvious negatives but actually quite optimistic that this is the right direction for me and that it has the potential to improve quite a lot of things in my life if I'm about to finally get this part of my life right.

The guy was great to talk to and I really liked his perspective on things. He just seemed to have a really intelligent and philosophical approach to life. Was a great convo and he was just my type. I'm of course wary but no red flags at all so far. I'm excited to take this from the hypothetical realm into real life.

 

I've thought about what wua said since he posted it and I'm with you exactly, eron. I think women are are generally more beautiful but men are generally more of a turn on. Women appear like a some delicious dessert and men are like a dirty steak. For whatever reason the steak gets things going on a sexual level but the dessert just smells and looks enticing on a different level.

I came across a study that found bisexual men have similar measurable responses to porn with naked women vs men in the same way that gay men did. I also read another source that described a common theme from bi men was that their attraction to women was predominantly emotional whereas their attraction to men was more physical. This really resonates with me.

I think it's fair to say that women are more attractive to me than men. Men are mates and women are potential love interests. I don't find men in the world dateable.

The sex that men can have together is definitely my thing but women are the people I want to be close to and the people I want to have deep connections with. I want close connections with guys but as buddies to hang out. I seek comradery with men and intimacy with women. My ideal is a male top but the person who embodies this is someone I want to go fishing with or work on a home renovation project with or play sport with. He's not someone I want to kiss, cuddle and write sweet letters to.

Chip and others have rejected the idea of a split between romantic and sexual attraction but I think that perhaps that is what happens for a lot of bi guys and at least, it seems likely that's the case for me.

I think I have everything out on the table and I don't think I'm deceiving myself. I have tried to see myself as gay but it just doesn't seem to fit.

I want to explore the gay side of myself but if the gay side of myself can only find sex with men and the hetero side of myself can only find love and romance with women. I'm torn in the worst way because I need both but it seems impossible to find the two needs in one person.

It seems like all paths lead to confusion in spite of trying extremely hard to be honest with myself.

I read a forum post elsewhere, where a bi guy said he can find great sex with men but the emotional side never works and he can find great emotional connections with women but the sex sucks. I feel like I've experienced the latter over and over again but the former actually sounds even less appealing.

Does this resonate with anyone else?

 

I considered that it was internalised homophobia as I wrote that too. I think socially, that mindset is necessary to form friendships with men. It's probably a learned thing but I do think it's entirely likely that it's innate.

I guess it's rather difficult to know if your perception is genuine or sculpted by years of outside manipulation. My perception is what it is. If I'm free enough with my perception though, to acknowledge that I appreciate penises, why would I not be open to finding men more attractive than women, if that was just my truth?

Women have many qualities that masculine men simply don't in almost all cases that are highly valuable and certainly appreciated. They can also provide children, obviously men can't. There are plenty of reasons to be in a relationship with a woman beyond the erotic aspect and they're certainly erotic.

I think it's an exaggeration to say that my relationships with women haven't been erotic. Less so perhaps than with men but not massively.