The worst time of my life

Its been 5 years and i’ve never felt so bad and sad, its the worst time if my entire life

i changed meds, psychiatrists, a lot

Nobody can help me, theres no one that can help me

there are moments where i think i should just give up

instal #######

have sex with men

do something i dont think i want to just to find answers

life’s been the most stressful since the beggining 5 years ago

wow its been 5 fucking years

5 years and i dont think there was onde day i went okay, happy and all that

theres no one that can help me and im okay with it now

So i decided to quit taking meds and seeking new psychiatrist, since neither of them are working and im wasting a lot of money on something that doesnt help at all

i will se what i can find, see if i can find a men and kiss him

try something dk

 

Yeah i understand what youre saying

but my last 2 psychiatrists were ocd specialist

but i dont think they understand me

Feels like im talking to a stranger who wont be able to help me

i wish someone would tell me that im gay and i should accept

but i know i will have a huge ammount of anxiety

Bc i know i dont want to be gay

thats the truth and im sad about that

i wish i could accept if im gay

But everytime people say i have ocd and i agree

but i cant seem to accept this fact

so talking to a psychiatrist just feels like im lying

i dont know what to tell him exactly

it feels so weird

and thank you so much for your hugs and mesage

 

Thank you guys, i’ll do my best, i will find a new therapist

one thing that scares me is that my other few psychiatrists werent able to answer some o my questions

like, why i feel so aroused by transwoman, amd why i get so aroused when fantasizing anout sucking a transwoman penis, if its because of how much porn i watched or im bi, or i just like transwoman

or why do i feel tingles and get hard sometimes testing if im not gay and only have ocd

those questions were never answered to me by them, which gave me a lot of anxiety

 

Yes i can say this is one of my fears, not only that but also the fear of being lying to myself

i already told here, tons and tons of times all my test routine, how i felt, moments where i disnt feel anything and moments where i got hard, moments when i felt tingles or a feeling in my groin area

and even after all this, everyone tells me im not gay and its only ocd

and sometimes i agree because i was never able to masturbate and orgasm to a man

And i tried a lot of times

but there are times where i disagree, since i test about sucking a guys dick and i get hard, but i go to masturbate and i get flacid again

so its not something consistent that i can say for sure and im stuck on this loop

the same way there are moments that i crave for a vagina and i fantasize about it and masturbate

and there moments, most of the time now, where i have a bad feeling in my throat while thinking of it

but i always get aroused by woman when i think about then

so, those things are confusing, i dont know what is truth or not

At this moment i can say that transwoman gets me going pretty much all the time

so yeah its all confusing and i cant confirm any of it

i dont know if im gay or not

If you asked me 3 months ago i would say im not

but now i think i am, bc of the tests

but everyone tells me i have ocd

I never had a girlfriend or had sex, so i cant help about it too

im just too tired

 

Yeah, thank you guys you both have great opinions, thanks for sharing

actually this is exactly what i have been asking my psychiatrists. It’s probably my main problem. The uncertain is what kills me

so i asks them what they think and they don’t answer. Because it kind weird for a straight guys to get hard even with tests with men, but is also weird a bi or gay guy not be able to masturbate to men when testing or fantasizing

if it were more specific, i dont think i would be is such a situation

if i never got hard, like on the beggining of it, 3 years ago, the tests didnt make me feel anything

but now they do

but if i didnt feel anything, maybe i wouldnt be testing

the same with me being able to masturbate to a guy, i cant say if its psychological, supression, or i just dont like guys

because whenever i get hard, after a while i just get soft again, and most of times where j get hard my heart beat increases and my anxiety too

but when i get soft i cant get that hard again, but if i do, it goes down again. And when i masturbate i cant orgasm, i already wasted a huge huge time, a lot times trying to orgasm from it

its so easy for me to ser a hot girl on tiktok and masturbate

but its not easy to see a naked guy amd do the same

when i see naked guys i dont get hard

but when i test mentally, theres a lot of times where i get hard but that cycle repeat, i lose erection and cant masturbate to it

so, its not clear. If i were able to get hard, keep hard and ejaculate and orgasm i would safely say that im gay or bi, but i cant

while on the other hand if i didnt feel a weird feeling in my stomach everytime i fantasize about a girl, even getting aroused and hard, and if i were able to masturbate without this weird feelings while fantasizing about licking her i would definitely say im straight

but its in the middle and i cant say why

and yeah i can say that all these symptoms i had and still have including some unwanted sexual thoughts

and yeah i agree with you too, but its the same thing that i said up there, i cannot be sure since i cant masturbate to men, but i could be repressing

 

Hi, yeah, great point, i think im gay or bi with ocd, because of what i feel when i test

Its been a while since i didnt test

Bit yeah, i feel tingles, movements and even arousal sometimes, and sometimes i even get hard

but i cant masturbate to it, even if i try my best to do it, i just get soft again

a lot of things that happened to me points to me being gay or bi i think

but could i be bi or gay without orgasming to man, only woman?

and to your question, i think the main reason i test a lot is because im afraid of lying to myself

like i need to be 100% sure about what iam

because if not i feel like im lying and i will never be able to have a healthy relationship

 

So since my last post, where i said there was a possibility of me being bi and having ocd, for some weird reason i dont know why, i disdnt test for a good whole week, and my arousal to woman grew a lot lot more, to the fact of even noticing how pretty some are and feeling kind attracted to them

Not testing didnt take long, it was a week, but once i tested again, i wasnt able to get hard, i only had tingles and some movements down there

the one that made me feel the most of all these was one i had that started intrusive, where anpolice officer was inspecting me and he grabbed my parts, i domt know why i thought of that, but i felt a huge tingles and penis grew a bit until certain point where it got soft again like the usual.

im really confusing right now, because i should have arousal to men if im bi even if i have ocd

which makes it even worse to understand if its only ocd or not

 

Oh yeah i got that, but what should i do to lose internalized homophobia.


Being super clear, whenever im not testing, my desire like you said, its surround woman, there a lot of moments that i check my phone and open tiktok and get arouses so many times by different girls

when i said that i find girls pretty, there are some that really arouse me too, even if it feels kind wrong to look at them

but i dont have this with men, everytime i look at a man is because im testing myself, but could this be me lying? Its so confusing because, yes you’re right i need stimulation to get aroused, but when i masturbate to man i get soft, i start having feelings and getting a little harder but after some point it just go soft

so if it is internalized homophobia, how do i lose it?

yes I understand too, im looking for a new psychiatrist

But do you used to get a little hard when tested with woman? Or maybe some arousal or something like this? Even if afterwards you got soft?