I have been thinking about what all I want to achieve, when it comes to my gender change and it all feels doable. I don't feel hopless anymore or feeling like I'm not moving forward. Maybe it's because my depression starts to finally get better and also that I actually know now what I really want or because of the transgender diagnosis. I 100% want to start taking hormones and change my name and sex marker and for that I do need to deal with committee, though I may even get away with a name change, withouth committee. I just have to pay 100€ to get it done and I will still loose money, if this name is not accepted, because it don't match my assigned sex marker. It's quite neutral name though, even if in my country it is a male name. For example in English Rainy is both male and female name, but in my language I can't use the y symbol in names, because it's foreigner, so which is why I have settled with just Rain and Raini don't sound as good to me. I don't have an idea, if I could get away with the name Rainy. I may change my family name too, but I haven't fully decided on that. I have already started with voice training by myself in order to reduce dysphoria. I want to reduce my breast size as much as possible, but I don't wish to loose any sensations. They are way too big and really bother me, are bad for my posture and make me feel uncomfortable and not attractive, so reducing the size seems best solution for me and about the cost, there is possible to pay for it in monthly payments in my country, so it's not something impossible to me anymore or something I would have to wait for a a long time, since I can do it, withouth needing committee approval. I want full bottom surgery. I didn't think I had any bottom dysphoria, but it seems I do have it. I was just never sure. I will try packing first and see how it all makes me feel after. I want to do some beauty surgery too, like lifting up my eyelids more, because in pictures it always seems like my eyes are closed, though they are fully open and it makes me so self conscious. With clothing I decided to go with either gender neutral style or androgynous style and I do have a hairstyle in mind I want to go with. Even telling my parents isn't as big of a deal anymore, but there is still a bit of fear inside, because it will be a difficult discussion for me. Most of these I can do withouth even needing to tell them about it, but I can actually explain some of the surgeries, like breast reduction and beauty surgeries and why I want them, withouth much hassle. And with the name I have an reasonable explanation for it too: I absolutely love the name and since I decided I don't ever wish kids, then I have no one to give this name either. I don't wish kids mainly, because of my family's bad genetics and I get dysphoric, when I think about it too. I also decided, that I don't want to get married. I like my freedom, though I won't fully say it's 100%, because I may change my mind, if I meet the right person. Also I think half of my low self confidence comes from not being in my ideal weight, so I need to do something about it and take care of myself physically too more and for this to work I need to get my energy levels up. I wish to know already what makes me have low energy levels, hair thinning and skin troubles. I hope my doctor does send me to endo, because I could also ask them do the blood tests and treatment plan for me to start hormone therapy. There is something wrong with me, but I just don't know what yet. It may be just hormonal issues, but I do feel like, that once I start taking T, then I start to feel good again. Therapy and medication has been really helpful to me. My therapist encouraged me to keep on trying clothes on in the stores, since it does make me feel happier, when I have the kind of clothes on what I like and what also make me feel good. I feel that I want to experiment with different styles. I actually have a real, achievable plan now. Long text, but thank you for reading. Here is a hug. I just felt hopeful again and wanted to share it.
Hey there Rain! I read the whole post and I feel happy for you. It's great that you have your ideas so clear in terms of the steps that you want to take. I hope that your plan goes well (which will be, for sure) and I'm more than glad that you are getting your hope back. Depression is a complicated issue, so if you feel you're getting over it, that's an important achievement. However, keep in mind that mood changes are normal in everybody, so probably there will be good days and bad days. That's a part of life. What I mean is that even if one day you feel bad, you shouldn't be discouraged but being proud of yourself because of the impressive steps forward you're taking and the goals you're achieving. If I have not misunderstood you, you have chosen to change your birth name into Rain. That's a very cool one. Sounds awesome to me. Excuse my ignorance, but what does it mean that you might have to deal with committe? Just a curiosity bc I didn't understand that part very well. Anyway, you have explained that you have a back-up plan which requires just to change your name, so cool. I'm proud of you, Rain, and I wish you reach the happiness that you deserve. Warm hugs! Víctor
Hey Rain, I'm very happy for you too! This is all great news and a logical plan. Keeping hopeful and pushing forward when you can is hard work with depression and anxiety for sure! I've heard that making choices can be empowering bc you are deciding something and trying to find a way, but it can still be super hard and I struggle with it a lot. You're doing great and I hope you keep feeling more and more comfortable being you!
Hey Victor, thank you very much. Yeah, my moods change so often, so it's inevitable that there will be good and bad days. I'm just happy about, that I know what I want and what path to go towards. Yes, my name will be Rain, though I also very much like the name Rainy. The choice is between the two and if I'm allowed to go with Rainy, then I will choose it. The committee here decides, wheter they will allow you on hormones or not and name and sex marker change and on surgeries. They are under social ministry here and I need to send in an application to meet the committee in order to get on hormones. When in some countries, the psychiatrist evaluation is enough, then it's not the case here. A little history of the committee: https://feministeerium.ee/en/how-the-state-treats-transgender-people/ which is why I'm scared a bit, but there is a new commitee, that is much friendlier and the system is a lot better, or so I've heard, though they don't acknowledge Non-Binary people and the waiting list go for at least a year. If I send in an application now, then my appointment will go in the year 2024.
Thank you mnguy, I will. I'm glad it sounds logical. I'm happy I know what I want and where I want to go with this all. I'm no longer in the questioning phase or doubtful, what wasn't fun at all. I will continue taking care of my mental health too and therapy. There will surely be struggles, like coming out part and societal judgement, but I will cross that bridge, when I get there.
You're very welcome. Both are amazing names, but if get the chance and you prefer Rainy, then it's also a wonderful decision. I read the story of the old commitee and that's terrible. Anyway, if there's a new one, more ethical and friendly, that would be great news for you. I'm sure you can cope with it. As a friend, you have my complete support.
That's fantastic that you're feeling so much better - the doubtful, questioning phase is SO stressful isn't it? When your whole sense of self is up in the air! And it sounds like you're looking at these goals as separate, achievable issues which is really important - often when there are so many steps to take, they tend to pile up into an impossible looking challenge! Very happy for you!
Thank you. The questioning phase was awful. It was overwhelming. I started questioning my entire existence and sexuality too. Nothing was what I knew before. I didn't know anything at all. I didn't even know myself at all, so getting to know who I am was liberating. Before it was just me existing. I had no individuality or knew what I wanted from life. After discovering myself, all of the tasks in front of me seemed impossible and overwhelming. It seemed like I would have to wait for a long, long time before I can be myself, but that realization, that It's not that impossible after all gave me such a good feeling. It feels a little bit like the depression veil in front of my eyes starts to lift a little or it's just that the medication is finally healing me too. Therapy has been really beneficial for me too.
I sent in my application in order to see the committee to get on T. I'm also going to get a proper male haircut next week and changing my hair color.
That's great! You've always been so helpful to us on EC; I'm glad you're getting some personal victories too. It's so cool that you've figured out how to make yourself the happiest you can be Good job, Rain.
Thank you so much and thank you for saying I'm helpful to you guys. This is my main goal and something that makes me happy is being helpful to others. I really treasure such feedback.
