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My partner has tendencies that make me think he cheats. Should I break up with him?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by dapulu, Jan 5, 2023.

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  1. dapulu

    dapulu
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    I've been dating my partner(male) for a 4 months now. My last relationship left me deeply hurt as it was the first time someone I dated cheated on me (that I know of) and it took me some time and therapy to start dating again. I have explained this to him beforehand as I'm still insecure and when I see any resemblance of my ex previous behaviours in ny current partner I start thinking he's doing stuff behind my back. I have asked him to be patient and tih time I have gotten better.

    What behaviours does he have that make me question his faithfulness?
    1. Haven't had sex in a few weeks, he never initiates anything. Avoids talking about the subject or trying at all. I have told him several times that we need to reach a solution and he concedes but barely does anything at all.
    On the other hand our workload is just hardcore so we're tired most of the time.
    2. He has constant digital interaction (dms, messages, social media) with guys that want to have sex with him and guys that have a history with him. These guys explicitly tell him so. Not sure if he just likes the attention or wants to have a backup plan in case we don't work out. He says he no longer dirty talks.
    3. Always gets defensive or angry or tries to gaslight me whenever I say something along the lines of "have you been with other people?" instead of just answering.
    4. Has a 'work phone' he never brings home.
    5. Most of his current male friends have had some sort of sexual interaction with him.
    6. Lied about sexual experiences he's had before (had sex while at work, sex with other people when we were knowing each other before dating)

    Now I don't have any concrete proof but this just reopens my "he's cheating" gut feeling and I don't even know if I should talk it out, or just end it. Had the same feeling with my ex and I was right. Not sure if I should let my insecurities from my previous relationship take control or if I'm choosing to be blind.

    As a couple we've met each others core family members, friends, as well as traveled together, we sleep together 4 days a week at least. Back and forth between my place and his place. I have learned so much and also broken so many barriers I had before. It's the first time in a while and I just don't know how to approach him with the topic.

    What do you think?
     
    #1 dapulu, Jan 5, 2023
  2. dapulu

    dapulu
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    Just to clarify a few things after reading the post as I feel context is missing:

    >My partner's 36 y.o. and his last relationship was 7 years ago and lasted for 4 years. He rarely talks about his feelings and has a tendency to get defensive and try to put the blame on me for whatever is going on whenever I raise an issue. Almost always when I feel he's evading the point by blaming me I call him out on it and have none of that BS. No point in blaming anyone. Nobodies fault. Just stuff we gotta figure out to be more comfortable.

    >The main insecure reaction I've had is ask him directly if he has cheated. I have not made any comments in regards to his friends or his social media or the fact that he interacts with whomever. Nor have I made any scenes. He's free to talk to who he wants and do what he wants.

    >When I talk about my concers its along the lines of "I've been feeling a bit insecure. Please don't cheat on me and if something is wrong or you lose your interest just say so." it happens a couple times every month or so and I usually tell him what my concern is along with the insecurity ("why aren't we having sex?" "Do you feel comfortable with the way this is going?" "Are we doing ok? I feel like you are more distant")

    >Our communication has gotten way better with time and we can most of the time notice when the other is acting strange or having intrusive thoughts or just big changes in emotion. And always try to ask about or talk it out.

    In regards to his behaviours that make me feel insecure:
    1. For the sex I don't pressure him. I've asked if it's something I can help with as in kinks, my overall fitness, underwear, time and place or if maybe soemthing I said or did turned him off for good. But he just says he doesn't really know why we don't f*ck and its not me. He knows its a problem for me as its starting to affect my mental health and I have more libido than he does.
    2. While we were getting to know each other his previous one night stands and lovers would sometimes text him and he would follow the convo if there was dirty talk. Now he just ignores the dirty talk or laughs it off as far as I know...but it makes me feel insecure. Why doesn't he draw the line or say he's not interested? Why keep on having contact with one night stands and guys who only want to have sex? Even if it's harmless flirting. He know I'm still healing and trying my best to not let it affect me but I'm reaching my limit.
    3. I've advised him to not take it to heart and just answer yes or no when I get into that "are you cheating?" Phase.
    4 5 6 Nothing else to say
    7 He used to like cruising (in the sex sense)

    Anywas ...I'm ranting at this point. Hope it helps with the context.
     
    #2 dapulu, Jan 6, 2023
  3. Aspen

    Aspen
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    I think that while whether or not he’s cheating is important to you, it’s not the biggest issue here. Even if he isn’t cheating, you don’t trust him. You’re asking him if he’s cheating on you multiple times a month. The fact that he’s had sexual relationships with his friends bothers you. If you’ve stopped going to therapy, I encourage you to think about starting again.

    It sounds like there could be a lot of factors in why you’re not having sex that aren’t about you. You said that both your workloads are high and you’re tired most of the time. You said he has a lower sex drive than you. Those are not changes that you can make to yourself to fix.

    Relationships are a two-way street. If both people aren’t willing to compromise, then it’s just one person sacrificing their own needs to satisfy the other’s. It’s understandable if you decide that this relationship isn’t working for you.
     
    #3 Aspen, Jan 6, 2023
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  4. Colm

    Colm
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    Hi, there seem to be several red flags here that indicate that he is probably cheating. Even if he's not, he's being disrespectful and emotionally immature. Have you been clear about the terms of your relationship? Does he even want monogamy? If he has agreed to monogamy, he should answer a simple question like whether or not he's been faithful. It's also very disrespectful to continue to talk to people who don't respect the boundaries of your relationship. You need to insist that he be honest about what he actually wants, that he answers simple questions, and that he stops talking to people who disrespect your relationship. Also, he doesn't need two phones and if he insists on keeping both, I wouldn't continue to trust him. It sounds like you've been badly hurt by your previous experience, but you deserve to be treated better. Have a serious conversation with him and if he's not willing to engage and be honest, move on before you waste more time.
     
    #4 Colm, Jan 6, 2023
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  5. OGS

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    In reading what you wrote the thing that seems clear to me is that you do not trust your boyfriend. I feel like I learned that much about you. I'm not sure how much I learned about your boyfriend--he may well be a terrible person, some people are. The thing I do know, though, is that when I try to cast myself in his place I'm exhausted. It's not that much of a stretch I suppose. I have several friends I've had sex with, despite the fact that I have not had sex with anyone but my husband for well over 20 years. I have friends I flirt with--I have female friends I flirt with, which I don't even understand, but I do know my husband thinks it's hysterical. Up until about 6 months ago when I switched divisions at work I had a work phone, my husband has one currently--it never occurred to me it was a problem.

    Repeatedly accusing someone of infidelity is not a simple question, and I don't think it's one that they can reasonably be expected not to take to heart--and frankly I find pretending it is a little gaslight-y. And finally, I think there are few things more boner-killing if you are trustworthy than sleeping with someone who actively mistrusts you.

    There's a lot going on here and I'm not sure there are many easy answers. Whatever you decide I hope it brings both of you some measure of happiness.
     
    #5 OGS, Jan 6, 2023
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  6. Colm

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    Shouldn't he just say he's not cheating if he's not? Sounds like the main thing that's exhausting is getting a straight answer to a simple question. Why is he even talking to people who explicitly tell him they want to have sex with him? One-night stands? That's different than harmless flirting with long-term friends who presumably wouldn't act on it if given the chance. The fact that he tolerates their disrespect of his relationship indicates to me that he doesn't respect it much himself. If he really cared about his boyfriend, he'd understand that he's been hurt in the past and needs a little more reassurance than other people, not less. Regularly talking to people with whom his only connection is sexual and refusing even to say whether he's cheated or not is not exactly going to help his boyfriend's insecurities.
     
    #6 Colm, Jan 6, 2023
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  7. resu

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    I’m glad you’re going to therapy, and keep it up. Everyone is different, so it doesn’t help to compare your past experience to your current one. How much time was there between your breakup and this new relationship? It does seem you’re transferring past fears to the present. Aspen makes a good point that the infrequency of sex is at least something your boyfriend can work to address (if he wants to), and you need decided what you are willing to accept.

    It could be based on your descriptions your boyfriend is conventionally attractive and gets a lot of attention from other guys, which can also create insecurity in terms of trying to seek attention. In contrast, partners of such people have to face their own insecurities of dealing with many competitors. Everyone feels insecurity; it’s how we deal with it that is important.

    Ultimately we have to trust partners to be responsible outside our presence because we can’t (and shouldn’t) follow their every move, which means being very clear to each other on expectations and mutual agreement. Without trust, the relationship is already breaking down. Maybe couples therapy can give you a place to talk through problems a mediator.
     
    #7 resu, Jan 7, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2023
  8. mlansing

    mlansing
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    His behavior is definitely suspicious and I would say disrespectful, but it’s up to you if you want to stick it out or not. Is the juice worth the squeeze?

    I think it’s worth focusing less on what he’s up to and more on what you want out of a relationship. If you’re constantly feeling insecure and dissatisfied (based on things he has done or not done), ask yourself if that’s how you want to be feeling in a relationship.

    Then again, I do agree with the commenter above that someone actively mistrusting you is a definite mood killer. Constantly asking “are we ok?” and taking the temperature of the relationship I don’t think is doing either of you any favors.

    Nevertheless, you do seem to have good reason to not trust him. I can only speak for myself, but if I were in your situation I would run fast and run hard from this guy.
     
    #8 mlansing, Jan 11, 2023
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  9. Ushiromiya Red

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    Not really sure how to answer this. Based on what you and others are saying i wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could throw him. It sounds like there's no clear communication which is a huge red flag. For any relationship to be healthy and functional, there has to be an open street for communication and he's clearly not giving that to you.

    My best advice would be trust your instincts, if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Maybe take a good long hard look at your "relationship" with this guy and maybe ask yourself some hard questions...it's also good you're attending therapy, maybe bring up what's going on here if you haven't already. I'd be cautious if I were you....I'd say if this continues...break up with him. Sorry to say it but if he's not giving you any reason to trust him...it might be time to move on.
     
    #9 Ushiromiya Red, Jan 14, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2023
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