Hi. I am a AFAB and have been questioning my gender identity for many years now. I'm 18y/o now and every day I’m trying so hard to accept that I’m a “woman”. I feel like I’m in the wrong body, my breast is giving me anxiety every day. I had anorexia for many years (many causes) but I have figured out that one of the things that made me stay sick was that I didn’t wanted to become a woman/go through puberty… I didn’t want breasts and a woman’s body shape and so on. I just want to be a boy, I am so jealous of my brother. His body, his voice, his everything. I came out to my parents at around 14 years old but they said it was a phase. Mom told me that I am her little girl, the first daughter and I should be proud of being a woman and so on. They totally don’t understand and says that my feelings are not real. I explained that I felt like a boy and that I was trans. But they didn’t and don’t accept that. I have tried for years now to talk to them and convince myself it’s just a phase. That it’s my mental state that is causing this anxiety around my gender identity. I have tried accepting that I am a girl. But I don’t know if I can’t do this anymore. I am not feeling good at all. I don’t know what to do or how to know for sure that I am transgender and it’s not just a phase. I don’t know how to get my parents accept or support me, does anyone have any advice?
Welcome to the EC! And I wanted to send you hugs. Based on everything you've written I want to say that our experiences are similar. A litte bit of my story. I am biologically female. I came out to myself at my 30th birthday. It has been almost a year. I have known I was different since kindergarten, but I didn't know how to put these feelings into words and feared peoples reaction, if I acted differently, so I stayed in denial. I stayed in this box society had formed. When I came out to myself it all hit me pretty hard. I was terrified, because when I looked into mirror, then I saw my true self stuck inside my female shell. My body had became a prison to me. I was shaking inside and I cried a lot. I started doing research online to give these feelings a name and then I discovered EC. By talking others and reading other peoples stories made me trace all of my experiences way back to kindergarten and it felt like all the puzzle pieces fell into place. The me who was lost had gained an identity. The fog was lifted and I experienced euphoria, like I had never experienced before. There has been lots of doubting too. At the beginning I tried to deny all of it again, because of my environment. My country is conservative and people here value traditional beliefs. My own father is a homophobe too. Because of it all I haven't felt safe to come out yet. I have told my best friend and luckily she was fine with it. I told her through email, with a long letter and that took a lot of courage. It all has given me pretty bad depression and anxiety. I am seeing a psychiatrist regularly and am on medication that helps with my anxiety and panic attacks. I also get dysphoria and it makes me very emotional, so I just try to distract myself. I do have transgender diagnosis and plan of coming out eventually, but first I need to let go all of my fears. My biggest fear is my parents not accepting me, but it's also important to me to get to live as authentivally as possible, even if in the end I won't get accepted. I do need financial stability first and to save up, so no one and nothing could stop me from transitioning. And I would reccomend for you to save up too, where you can, so you could move out and have freedom. You won't hopefully be living with your parents forever, when you become adult you can decide for yourself. You choose your own family. Also I would reccomend to try and find lgbtqia+ center in your country homepage and maybe there is a physical location too. There are people who can help you even more. I hope this gave you a little idea of who I am and a knowing that you are not alone. Whenever you wish to talk, then you now have this safe place to vent or talk about gender identity. I would be happy, if I could be helpful to you any way at all. I know how hard it all can get. My PM's are always open.
Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I would like to talk sometime. I am actually soon moving to my own apartment, or with staff. Because I am autistic and have mental issues so I need some extra support. I won’t be living with my parents, it’s just hard when the people around me don’t accept who I am. Thank you again for the support and for taking time to respond to me. It means a lot.
Hello Elmoonxiee, to have these feelings for four years is not a 'phase'. It's nearly a quarter of your life. There is no transgender 'test'. Ignore all the ridiculous quizzes you might find on the Internet. I would say that you 'know' deep down. In my case my rubicon moment came when a dear friend hugged me and called me Beth for the first time. I felt a surge of euphoria course through my body and I couldn't stop smiling - I was beaming from ear to ear! I knew then that I'm a girl and always have been a girl; Beth had always been there deep down beneath this male exterior, waiting for the day she could become me and be free. My advice would be to gather a support structure around you that is entirely separate from your parents. Do you have any friends you can come out to who might support you? Also...think about a name and accessing things that would be gender affirming to you - these may also provide you with unequivocal proof that you need. Good luck! Beth x
Hi Beth. Thank you for your message I really appreciate it. I feel like I “know” deep down that I am a boy and not a girl. I have had these feelings a longer time than 4 years, I just told/ came out to my parents when I was 14 years old. Sorry for the unclear information. When I was a lot younger I had these feelings that I felt like a boy inside. I told my peers but they just laughed and was mean… like always … so I kept it to myself after that. I thought I was wrong and crazy. I hated myself. I always wanted to be one of the boys, I also felt better when I hanged out with guys and I felt like I was one of them inside of me but my outlook was different. I started to watch a YouTuber who came out as transgender when I was around 10-12. I remember how much I related to the persons feelings and thoughts. When I was in the early teens I started worrying about the puberty that was coming and becoming a woman. My anorexia started at 11 years old, It was caused by many factors including that I didn’t wanted to get my period and a woman looking body. It’s so much more around my identity but I hope you understand what I mean and that it has a big impact on my daily life and has been a long time. I didn’t tell anyone about my anxiety around my identity until I was 14 years old. But my parents were so disrespectful and not understanding. I was asking them to help me to get in contact with a therapist who would talk to me about my gender identity but they said that it isn’t important and I just shouldn’t think about it… I then started to stop talking to them about this so often. I just took up the conversation a couple times but they never been accepting or supporting. They do love me but I don’t know… I don’t really have friends to talk to anymore. Or I never have. I am autistic so I have a hard time making friendships and keep them. I want a good relationship with someone but.. it’s hard. I have one internet best friend but he is also struggling with his mental health so I can’t really talk about my problems with him. I am kinda just his supporter, he is dependent on me. It’s really difficult to have that responsibility because I also have mental issues. Out of topic sorry. But no I don’t really have anyone. Thank you again so much it means a lot to me.
Hey you're welcome Elmoonxie! From what you've written it sounds to me as if you are a trans guy. I totally understand. When I was a kid I knew I could never tell anyone about how I felt. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. So I ignored it and hoped it would go away. It never did. It wasn't until I was 50, just three years ago, that I finally faced up to myself. Perhaps the best thing you can do for the moment is hang around here on EC. There are a lot of helpful people on here who have gone through exactly the same things as you. Have a dig around old threads too - you'll probably find yourself nodding in recognition at a lot of the topics that come up. Hugs, Beth x
What do you mean exactly by "autistic"? Do you mean that you have been diagnosed by a medical professional? What kind of symptoms do you have? If you have "not normie" interests, maybe you could stick with people who have similar interests? Such groups temd to put less pressure on people to act a certain way.
This doesnt seem like a helpful response. OP says they are autistic. No need to grill them on it and chalk it up to "not normie" interests. Autistic people are real. Autistic struggles are real.
Could you elaborate why you think my post is offensive? I can't see it. Nowhere did I say that autism isn't real, literally nowhere. It's a broad term and no two people on the spectrum have the same symptoms. I thought it could be helpful to unpack why exactly it is hard to socialise, because given the information that someone is on the spectrum, I can personally think of a plethora of different reaons. I also don't see why "not normie" is offensive at all. It's a commonly used phrase that literally everyone uses to describe themself for literally any reason. I get the impression that being a normie became a slightly negative term, not being "not a normie". This is also why I put it in quotation marks, to underline how vaguely I'm using it. I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way, but I clearly didn't mean what you think I did.
Also transmasc and autistic here, just wanted to say I really feel for you and am so glad and proud you've stayed so strong over the years after coming out to an unsupportive family. I think its very safe to say its not a phase. It sounds like you know who you are, and the only thing creating doubt is outside sources who aren't even seeking to understand your experience. In terms of advice for getting your parents to accept you.. I think its really just a matter of being true to yourself and doing what you need to do to live authentically. They will either see it and develop respect and acceptance over time, or they wont. Your acceptance of yourself is what matters most, you deserve to believe and trust your own feelings, you know your mind and body and soul better than anyone else and only you can say who you are. A similar situation led to me not starting my transition until I moved away from my family as well. I kept them updated when I hit milestones, name change, starting hrt, getting on the waitlist for top surgery, and they were very critical, and had a very difficult time being supportive of me. Now Im post-op and theyve really come around an astronomical amount. They are still uncomfortable about the topic but it is getting easier and easier with time, and theyre actually trying with the pronouns now, its cool to see. I guess just try not to take it too personally, and believe in yourself and your ability to overcome challenges above all else.
Idk, I'm sorry that I upset you and somewhat frustrated at the same time that I got so misunderstood. It's like - I would never say something like you suggested in a lifetime, it's so hurtful to tell someone that their struggles are made up. Or at least I wouldn't mean it even if my choice of words is bad. My intention was completely different, obviously, and probably not a surprise, but I didn't fit in while being at school either, exactly because I had "nerdy" intesrest and now I see it that maybe I wasn't as verbally skilled as many people, so maybe I don't have Asperger's, but share a couple of traits. Which, ironically, causes situations like above.
I I am diagnosed with autism by a medical professional so I have an official diagnosis, yes. I feel like I don’t have to describe my “symptoms “ (traits is more correct describing than symptoms cause it’s not a illness that should be treated or cured it’s how my brain functions) of autism for you to not questioning my diagnosis that I say I have. Or I am autistic. I didn’t describe even near of my all struggles with autism that I have daily in that one text which was mostly just about my identity.
Oh thank you so much, this made my day. Do you have any tips how to know for “sure” that I am a boy and not non binary? I am so so scared to regret my decision if I transition. Thanks again you are amazing!
